MILD SPOILERS if anyone cares.


THE STONE MERCHANT (2007) This Italy/UK co-production has turned up as a straight to DVD title in the US. I guess you could best describe it as Islamsploitation, with a nod to ARLINGTON ROAD and 9/11, as director Renzo Martinelli cuts to stock footage of the imploding Twin Towers on a couple of occasions, which seems in bad taste given the slipshod nature of this film.

The plot has Italian history professor and Islam expert Alceo (Jordi Molla), who lost his legs in the 1998 terrorist attack on the US embassy in Nairobi, and his wife Leda (Jane March) on holiday in Turkey after she witnesses a thwarted terrorist attack in a Rome train station. They meet Shahid (F. Murray Abraham), who introduces them to local businessman Ludovico Vicidomini (Harvey Keitel), known as The Stone Merchant. The already-insecure Alceo (Molla's legs have been digitally removed a la Gary Sinise in FORREST GUMP) considers himself "half a man" and seems leery of the suave Ludovico, who thinks nothing of blithely cock-blocking Alceo and putting the moves on Leda. The dense Leda, who thinks nothing of Ludovico and Shahid freaking out when she tries to film them with her camcorder (and indeed, she obnoxiously continues to hound Shahid), finds herself drawn to The Stone Merchant, and before long, they're carrying on a clandestine affair back in Rome. Ludovico, you see, has converted to Islam, and is a terrorist working under leader Shahid, who is planning something massive as a show of force to the West. Alceo, meanwhile, can't get the police to believe his claim that Ludovico might be involved with Al-Queda because they think he's just upset that Ludovico is sleeping with his wife. Kudos to Renzo Martinelli for reducing this subject to soap opera piffle.

There are numerous problems with this film--the dubbing of the Italian actors is atrocious, and it's out of synch and hollowy even with the four principle actors dubbing themselves, crappy CGI (especially in the climax, and an embarrassingly blurry green-screen effect where some characters are standing in front of the Colisseum), the cinematography is utterly amateurish (numerous scenes where the speaking character is barely onscreen; I'd say it's misframed, but some scenes are framed OK), a preachy final scene that seems like an homage to ON DEADLY GROUND, and it features what might be a career-worst performance from Keitel, who pulls out all the stops, including getting naked and crying that distinctly Keitelian wail of a cry at one point. This is a great actor. 67 at the time of filming, I have to wonder: shouldn't he be getting better offers than this in what is probably the twilight of his career? Or did he just want to roll around in sweaty, profoundly unerotic sex scenes with Jane March, who still can't act? I expect F. Murray Abraham to be stuck in something like this, but Keitel should know better. When Ludovico starts repeatedly professing his love to Leda, it's actually painful watching an actor of Keitel's stature uttering such trite, maudlin dialogue, overenunciating his T's and sounding completely unnatural. Keitel is so bad in this that it almost makes me appreciate his work in STAR KNIGHT.

Eurocult fans will be happy to see Bruno Bilotta in a prominent supporting role as the Rome detective who breaks the news of Leda's affair to Alceo (Bilotta used to be known as Karl Landgren, veteran of Stelvio Massi's THE BLACK COBRA, Lamberto Bava's DEMONS 2, and Giuseppe Vari's URBAN WARRIORS), plus the always-welcome Castellari stalwart Massimo Vanni as a cop in the opening sequence.

The highlight, however, is an unintentionally hilarious chase scene involving Alceo being pursued by two Al-Queda thugs. Describing it really won't do it justice. It's pretty funny, and I'm reasonably sure it's not supposed to be.

Please Mr. Keitel. Call De Niro. Call Scorsese. Call Abel Ferrara. Tarantino. Call someone. Get in a real movie again. These straight-to-DVD things we've seen in you in for the last couple of years: PUERTO VALLARTA SQUEEZE, GINOSTRA, GUNSLINGER'S REVENGE, BEEPER, SHADOWS IN THE SUN--you can do better than this.

Oh, and one more thing. You're pushing 70. No more nudity. The films you've been doing are bad enough--your silvery pubes aren't helping the situation.

Don't forget those Gatorade commericals with Derek Jeter! :ph43r: