Every year for the past three, I've done a mock exploitation movie poster for a local coffee shop's Annual Coffee Art Show. Each time, they've ended up buying my poster for permament display in the shop.

In 2004, I went girl-gang, as it gave me an excuse to photograph a whole gaggle of specRACKular women, most of them local bartenders (I used Photoshop to erase love handles and make some hips more narrow, but nobody's augmented, digitally or physically):

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v414/ianmcd/Poster.jpg

In 2005, I went a little classier, aiming for 60s Euro Space. This didn't turn out quite like I envisioned it, although my friend Lucy was a great model.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v414/ian...pressorella.jpg

And in 2006, I had the help of my friend Luva, the best damn model that sushi and sake can buy. This one is going to be hard to top.

http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c374/mcd...dSplattered.gif

So, what the Hell am I going to do this year? I'm tempted to do a cave girls vs. dinosaurs theme (and no, the fact that this would require Luva or any other models to wear fur bikinis isn't the reason, really, I swear, and why are you looking like you don't believe me?). If I did that, my iguanas Ajay and Toto could also participate as dinosaurs. But how does one work COFFEE into a prehistoric setting? Hmmm, it is a puzzlement.

My other idea is to do something with a 1960s type spy babel theme – Emma Peel, Modesty Blaze, that kind of thing. THE GIRL FROM J.A.V.A. Luva would have to wear more clothes for this (obviously, I'm going to use her again; I mean, it's not like I'm going to find better). but she could put her 1960s style costuming skills to good use, and I could work a bikini and go-go boots into it as well.

My friend Mary (who'd be a damn good model herself, if she wasn't a conservative Republican and mean as a snake) suggested "Tits and Grits," which I take to mean hillybilly-sploitation a la THE PIG-KEEPER'S DAUGHTER. That might work, with coffee instead of moonshine.

Any other suggestions?

From one Ian to another, I'll help you with some brainstorming here

MONDO LATTE: A peek into perverted caffeinated customs around the world.

THE DEVIL'S BREW: Reefer madness style artwork featuring overcaffeinated yuppies bugging out.

THE GRANDE, THE TALL, AND THE VENTI: Spaghetti western theme. (Yeah, I know those are Starbucks sizes, but just plug in your coffee shop's own pretentious synonyms for small, medium, and large and you should be okay.)

THE JAVA CONNECTION: I like this title for either a kung fu theme (playing off THE CHINESE CONNECTION), or maybe a lurid drug smuggling flick.

And if all else fails, just put a bunch of midgets on your poster.

Thanks, Ian. Those are wonderful suggestions. Thing is, I'm torn between my desire to branch out and show off my wider knowledge of exploitation genres and my desire to showcase sizzling hot babage (I'm only making a couple of hundred dollars on this, so I might as well get to work with a lovely woman in revealing clothing). And Luva is such a great model, and has such a flair for 1960s and 1970s costuming (the outfit on THE BLOOD SPLATTERED BARRISTA is hers) that it seems a shame not use her.

But MONDO LATTE, wow, that's brilliant! As is THE DEVIL'S BREW.

How about:

BETTER LATTE THAN NEVER

HORROR ESPRESSO

THE ROAD TO MOCHA or THE ROAD TO MARABA

THE BIG DRIP

Ok, these aren't exploitation (well, HORROR ESPRESSO might go), but there are other genres...

I'm shocked this hasn't come up yet.

How about a mock mexican wrestling woman movie a la luchadora or K Gordon Murray? Either that or Japanese WIP in the mode of Meiko Kaji (Meiko Cafe, perhaps)?

Ah, Luva... that's half your work done for you.

There's always ZOMBIES and PIRATES... can't walk 30 feet without running into one these days. "They're worse than cockaroaches."

Thanks guys, for more terrific suggestions. Yes, Lance, with Luva, much of the work already IS done for me. Which is why I'm not doing a riff on COFFY, as I don't have a black model. Also, I already had a "Sugah" in JAVA JEZEBELS (sadly that model has since put on a lot of weight, and wouldn't look as good in a fringed leather bikini as she did then).

I do think I'm going to go with the 60s spy theme this time around, although some of those other ideas are definitely being mentally filed away for the future (or for pitches to other coffee shops).

"Stand aside 007, here comes the curvaceous and caffeinated Double-Shot Latte, the sexy super-agent who's wild, wicked and wired!"

And of course your models would never peek at a message board where you showcase their talents...heh, heh.

ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. (Before Coffee)?