THE ISLAND (1980)

There was a time when Michael Caine starred in movies like THE HAND, DRESSED TO KILL, BEYOND THE POSIDDEN ADVENTURE, ASHANTI, THE SWARM, VICTORY, and SILVER BEARS. This is one of those movies. I could type that these are bad movies but that wouldn’t be right. These are not bad movies. These are something else. These are Michael Caine movies from the late 70s and early 80s. It is a genre by itself. It is so by itself, so remote, you could theorize that the reason Michael Caine charts a boat is so that he can find these movies left on an island in the Caribbean. But why would he do that? Hey come to think of it, this is based on a Peter Benchley novel. That puts it into another sub-genre altogether.

But enough of this, if you like movies not because they are good but because you just want to see them than THE ISLAND should be on the top of your list. I’ve noticed that this “treasure” is not even on DVD. Ahoy mate! You can least find a crappy copy on Universal on Demand. Perhaps I should record it. Movie buffs don’t let movies like this get pushed to the wayside. It wouldn’t be right.

Michael Caine plays reporter Blair Maynard investigating a rash of disappearing luxury boats through out the Caribbean. With his son in tow, the two not only come into violent contact a band of pirates, these two are about to be recruited! These are not just pirates. This gang is the descendants of those that plagued the seas three hundred years ago. To make things worse, the group is headed by David Warner.

This is fascinating concept for an Action/Horror movie but it is ultimately too odd and misguided of a movie to rank of any importance. The movie begins as a Slasher movie, morphs into a mystery, than a historical mishmash, than resorts a Wes Craven/ Tobe Hooper type of stuff, only to turn into Sam Peckinpah on Water. And the conclusion is tough going. The Pirates are a raiding a Coast Guard Ship to a stirring and heroic music. It’s as if you want to the Pirates to win. But that’s not fair to Michael Caine and his son. And yet! It has Michael Caine versus David Warner and it is set to music from Ennio Morriconie with great location shooting and some scary foreshadowing to boot. And just when it gets “kind of good”, the Pirates have to fight a homosexual drug dealer that knows karate. Screw Me! How can I endorse this movie? Maybe the movie should be titled THE SEA HAS EYES.

And another thing…how did Michel Ritchie get hired for this? If you want to make a Pirate movie do you hire the guy that made THE BAD NEWS BEARS? I don’t know either. Perhaps Producers Zanuck /Brown really liked PRIME CUT. That is the other action/”what the ?”/crime movie that Richtie made. But than if you’re the guy that made THE BAD NEWS BEARS how can you make a movie like THE ISLAND? He made a solid string of Musicals and Comedies. Look up Stanley Donan, Vincent Minnelli, or Gene Kelly and you won’t find a movie like this on their resume.

Believe me when I write this, this is not a Disney movie. These Pirates are old, use machetes, split heads, and walk around naked with a satchel in front of that area. And no you don’t want to see them naked. One guy wears a helmet of fire and one of the women has mud on her face and wants to “seduce” Caine. Man, that’s messed up!

Yet, there is something I like about. It’s mostly in the first hour. You get a glimpse of the pirate’s activities. Actually it’s more than a glimpse and after you see it, you’ll never complain about vermouth in your drinks again. But there is something rewarding in seeing Caine investigating the disappearances. It is as if he had wandered in to the storylines for CANNIABAL HOLCAOUST or Fulci’s ZOMBIE. He gathers information, he hears stories, and things add up but don’t add up. You’ll expect him to meet Al Cliver and be told “Ahoy yourself”. You actually want him to meet ‘ol Al. Anything to get the movie going in the right direction. Alas the movie falls apart. It becomes so goofy. At least THE DEEP attempted to be a quality movie. THE ISLAND can’t cut it. It’s too schizophrenic in its approach. It can’t decide on what kind of thrills to be. When the Pirates become the onscreen presence, the movie looses momentum. Yet, I love to see Michael Caine looking for Al Cliver. I have watched that part five times on On Demand. Al must be in this movie!

What a shame because the idea is so fascinating. There is a good movie in here somewhere. If only an X could mark the spot.

Ummm...look again. Minnelli directed a film called THE PIRATE, starring none other than Gene Kelly. It was set on a Caribbean island and was indeed about pirates--a real former one, hiding among the populace as a successful property owner (the result of his ill-gotten gains), and a fake one--an entertainer (Kelly) impersonating the real one in order to win the heart of an island girl (Judy Garland).

See it. It's a great musical with Kelly and Garland at their peak. AND it's got the Nicholas Brothers!

And it's a helluva lot better than Ritchie's film.

Enjoyed the post (and have a sneaking affection for the very grotty film) but I'd remove DRESSED TO KILL from the Michael Caine Hall of Shame. It's a different class of film altogether from ASHANTI and the Allen pictures, like it or not (and I'm a big fan). SILVER BEARS and VICTORY are a cut above, too, and THE HAND (which falls apart completely at the end) has its fans, not to mention a classic SCTV spoof with Dave Thomas.

That period of Caine's career is very similar to Gene Hackman's. Think THE DOMINO PRINCIPLE, MARCH OR DIE, ALL NIGHT LONG, LUCKY LADY, TARGET... Every once in awhile, a REDS or a HOOSIERS pops up to lull you into thinking that everything's going to be okay, and then--POW--LOOSE CANNONS? WTF?

LOOSE CANNONS deserves its very own appreciation thread.

I wondered why DRESSED TO KILL was included in Barnett's not-so-hot Michael Caine list at the start of his post. I think Caine's performance in the De Palma film is one of his best if not most overlooked...

It's been awhile since I've seen it (and I've seen it more than once--including in a theater), but LOOSE CANNONS may well be the absolute worst film I've ever seen.

Sounds like I need to Netflix it.

I will second LOOSE CANNONS being the worst film ever made, with only FATAL BEAUTY with Whoopie Goldberg being in possible contention for the title.

I saw it in a theater too and saw it again on DVD a few years ago.

I don't think it's as good as you remember.

If you do Netflix it, invite people over and see how long it takes until someone insists that you start fast-forwarding.

Come on now...LOOSE CANNONS is godawful, but the worst movie ever made? It's not even the worst movie that Bob Clark ever made. In a career that's run the gamut from classics like DEATHDREAM, BLACK CHRISTMAS, and MURDER BY DECREE to hits like PORKY'S and A CHRISTMAS STORY, down to LOOSE CANNONS, the two BABY GENIUSES epics, and eventually, KARATE DOG, one could argue that LOOSE CANNONS was merely mediocre.

I've read comments from Bruce Campbell that Gene Hackman was a little, well, egotistical on the set of Raimi's THE QUICK AND THE DEAD. I'd LOVE to hear Bob Clark tell some Hackman stories from the LOOSE CANNONS shoot.

Right after I hear Bob Clark apologize for everything he's done since TURK 182!

LOOSE CANNONS is the worst Bob Clark film that Bob Clark ever made. LOOSE CANNONS is the worst, most tasteless, tone deaf, appaling film ever made, only rivalved by FATAL BEAUTY and admittedly a few other Bob Clark films.

I've seen BABY GENIUSES 2 (on a big screen with a big crowd!), and LOOSE CANNONS is worse. Of course, I haven't seen KARATE DOG yet...

I happened to rewatch FATAL BEAUTY just a few months ago. It's not good, but it isn't rotten enough to be ranked worse than mediocre. It has a good supporting cast and plenty of well-crafted action scenes (of course, I suppose one could say that about LOOSE CANNONS too). There are worse films with Whoopi Goldberg in them. Hell, I'd rather watch FATAL BEAUTY than GHOST again.

But has anyone ever seen THEODORE REX, which actually played for a week here in Champaign, Illinois, presumably either a test run or a contractual necessity? It's said to be the most expensive DTV movie ever, but it did play on at least one screen.

THEODORE REX did get a commercial run--in Singapore, when I was there in 1996. Had better things to do than see it, though.

You sound proud of this... :blink:

It's a small club...but not an elite one.

Nah. It played at last year's B-Fest in a beautiful 35mm print. That's the only venue I recommend ever watching BABY GENIUSES 2.

KARATE DOG's been beckoning me month after month from the local DVD rental store...
...I know I shouldn't risk it, but I'm starting to feel like that guy from 'The Telltale Heart'.