ROAD HOUSE 2 (2006)—Directed by Scott Ziehl. Stars Johnathon Schaech, Ellen Hollman, Will Patton, Jake Busey, Richard Norton. The sequel we’ve all been waiting 17 years for is finally here, but it’s not really the sequel we’ve been waiting for. No mullets, no monster trucks and—worst of all—no Patrick Swayze. In fact, screenwriters Richard Chizmar, Johnathon Schaech and Miles Chapman take the audacious step of killing Dalton, the super-cooler Swayze portrayed in the original film, off-screen. The idea, I suppose, was to give this movie’s hero extra motivation to bring the bad guys down, but I can just foresee a future in which the producers of ROAD HOUSE 5 get a call from Swayze’s agent, offering his down-and-out client for a role, and kick themselves for prematurely eliminating a chance for a Swayze cameo.

No cast or crew members from the original 1989 film seem to be involved in this direct-to-video sequel, which was filmed in Louisiana. Schaech, heretofore known only as “The Guy from THAT THING YOU DO,” is Shane Tanner, an undercover agent so independent/idiotic that he wears his DEA T-shirt underneath his jacket during a drug buy. After a bust in a strip joint, he tells his foxy partner, a stripper who wants to sleep with him, to ask the suspect whether or not he killed Shane’s father. “Do you think he had something to do with it?” “No, I ask everybody.” Considering how conspicuous the real murderer turns out to be, it’s amazing that there could be no clues to his identity.

Meanwhile, in Tyree, Louisiana, local druglords led by a maniac named Wild Bill (Jake Busey) are trying to pressure Nate Tanner (a clearly slumming Will Patton) to sell his grungy country/western bar, the Black Pelican. They’re having a tough time of it, because Nate is, quite simply, a major badass. You haven’t seen kung fu action until you’ve seen 50-year-old Will Patton, never what anyone would call an action star, laying some smack down on Busey and his army of karate-kicking henchmen. An ambush lands Nate in Intensive Care, and Shane is called to his uncle’s side. This is when we learn that Dalton and Nate are brothers and Shane is Dalton’s son. Dalton Tanner? It was a whole lot cooler when we had that Zen mystery of wondering whether Dalton was his first or last name. Or did he have just one name, like Cher?

The rest of the plot is basically a less outrageous remake of ROAD HOUSE with the coolest stuff left out. Instead of a monster truck, we get an airboat. Instead of grizzled Sam Elliott coming to town to help, we get a fat old DEA agent. The female lead isn’t a hilariously miscast Kelly Lynch as a physician, but newcomer Ellen Hollman as Beau, a hot-to-trot grade-school teacher who learned how to fire a shotgun in the Army. Shane doesn’t live in the hayloft of an old man’s barn, but in a regular house in the swamp.

Most importantly, instead of the sly hamming of Ben Gazzara as the venal Brad Wesley, ROAD HOUSE 2 relies on the grating “charms” of Jake Busey, whose performances can be summed up as “a bad actor doing a Gary Busey impression.” The thing is, Gary Busey, even when he’s rotten, has charisma. His less attractive and talented son Jake does not. Busey plays Wild Bill as a psycho who could never attain any kind of leadership role in any gang, much less run a regional drug pipeline. We could accept his behavior if ROAD HOUSE 2 were set in an alternate universe the way ROAD HOUSE was, but director Scott Ziehl (CRUEL INTENTIONS 3) is determined to make this a more “realistic” ROAD HOUSE, which is hardly in the spirit of the thing.

ROAD HOUSE 2 has no surprises and a script that lacks the wit (yes, there is some) of the first movie, which is not to say that its stupidity isn’t entertaining. Ziehl is no Rowdy Herrington, who brought a lean shooting style to ROAD HOUSE, but he and stunt coordinator J.J. Perry shoot the many fight scenes with verve. Noted martial artist and actress Sophia Crawford (who appears in a bit role) doubles Ellen Hollman in a climactic girl-on-girl battle that’s the best scene in the movie. Also lending weight to the movie is Richard Norton, the Australian black belt who has appeared in several Chuck Norris and Cynthia Rothrock movies and starred in many films of his own. Norton plays Victor Cross, Wild Bill’s impatient boss, and gets to face off against the weaker Schaech at the end.

Look, I’m just going to say it. ROAD HOUSE is one of the greatest pure action movies ever made, a tough, funny, violent, crazy B-western set in a foreign land devoid of law enforcement, mass media and common sense. Ziehl and his writers realize that, ultimately, they can’t compete with it, which is why the sequel recycles so many lines and plot threads from the original script. Also with William Ragsdale (FRIGHT NIGHT) and the memorable Marisa Quintanilla. Schaech was previously in 8MM 2. What’s next? TURNER & HOOCH 2?

I saw this on the shelf last night at the video store and thought to myself, "I'm gonna have to give Marty a hard time for not having reviewed this yet." But I log on this morning and find your review so now I am left to commend your bravery.

Well, Dalton could always have a twin brother.

I'm still upset that 8MM 2 wasn't called 16MM. As for what is next, if they are going to randomly sequelize great 80s movies then I want to see UNCLE BUCK 2, TANGO & CASH 2 (actually, I would like to see that) and WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S III.

And speaking of the original ROADHOUSE, you can buy a audio commentary by Mike Nelson for $1.99 to synch up to the film. Marty, get on it!

http://www.rifftrax.com/

There was an UNCLE BUCK TV series, if that counts.

I'll be first in line for TANGO & CASH 2, but only if Stallone and Russell star. I'm not showing up for Jason Priestley and Casper Van Dien.

Marty, you're a paper tiger; Unfortunately, by showing up for Schaech and Busey, they KNOW you're going to show up for Priestley and Van Dien!

Ah, I forgot when TV execs made every successful family comedy into a short lived TV series.

As for Priestly and Van Dien, I can see an agent right now holding up two rats and saying, "Priestly and Van Dien. Van Dien and Priestly."

And also known as the now former Mr. Christina Applegate.

Well, killing off Swayze's chracter pretty much chases me off from picking this up as even a curiosity. The original film isn't exactly classic cinema, but it had it's limited charms. This one looks quite dull.