Okay, we'll continue here: NO 300 WORD RULE! w00t!

Happy insanity!

-General O'Neill

EDIT AS OF 2006.01.01: This is officially the oldest post on SW, dating back two years ago, to 2004.

HGANB 1, Chapter 1:

*some people arrive in the White Room*

People: We are people.

General: Noooo.. you're chickens.

People: No, we are people. You will gather any people and belongings you have with you and come with us.

General: WTF?

People: YOU WILL COME WITH US.

General: Okay.. but I'm not taking everyone. I'll send a scout.

Scout: Yes yes, I am a scout, hoo bang!

General: Hoo bang?

Scout: Speech impediment. I was scouting down a mine, tripped over a dead canary, and went 'HOO BANG!' I've been saying Hoo Bang ever since.

General: You won't do then. *drives a wooden stake through scout's heart*

Scout 2: Yes yes, I am a scout.

General: Go with these.

Scout: Okay!

*later*

Scout: It looks all right. 800 Hectacres of real estate.

General: What the heck then.

*at the new place*

General: I christen this complex: 'ATLANTIS BASE'

Colonel: Dibs on the west wing.

General: I did that when I christened it.

Colonel: Damn.

Chapter 2

Pohatu: MOOOKIE!

General: What the smeg?

Unnamed Lieutenant: Evil language, sir. We oughta kill people.

Colonel: YAY! *gets out P90*

Posnacku: I NOW COMMIT THE SEPPUKU RITUAL!

General: Security! Take the knife off him.

*Security come in*

*Posnacku loses his knife*

General: Okay, so, this chapter's really short. now what?

Colonel: Well, it's not our fault, so we'll wait here like idiots until it's finished.

*chapter finishes*

Chapter 3

Posnacku: Moozeruses!!

Toppo: I've always wanted to say this to you, Posnacku: You are gay.

Posnacku: If only my tiny, microbiologic cranial cerebrum could understand such complicated data, I would react in a hostile and/or violent way to that insulting statement.

*everyone stands with mouth open for 15 minutes*

Colonel: General, I'll distract those Toes for a while. You go catch a plane to Tokyo.

General: Okay! *leaves*

Colonel: Okay, who wants to see a movie?

All Toes except for Posnacku: YAY!!

Posnacku: WATER BOTTLES!!!!!!

Loony: Shut up, Posnacku.

Giblet: All right! I finally saved up enough money for a Laptop!

Toppo: Go on discovery.com!

Ohnoes: Why? It's the Discovery Channel site!

Toppo: I NEEEEED to see when the new season of MythBusters begins!!

Ohnoes: Oh yeah, go there!!

Loony: I want to see, too!!

Kobkorn: Yeah, I'll go with these guys.

Posnacku: MOSHUKOIMSAI@@#$%^&*()!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Colonel puts on the DVD*

Toes: Ooooooooo... *sit down*

*2 hours later*

Ohnoes: Awww... here come the ending credits...

Kobkorn: Oh well, we can always go rob the Colonel's bar over by The Sofa.

Colonel: Oh no you don't! No beer for ANY of you-

Posnacku: THEY'RE CHASING ME!!!!!!! *goes through wall and lands in swimming pool*

Colonel: ...except for Posnacku, he's already demented.

Toppo: WE WANT ICE CREAM!!

All other Toes except Posnacku: YEAH!!

Posnacku: Bacon flavored pudding on mine!!

Kobkorn: I see it! I see the light!

*meteor kills Kobkorn*

Ohnoes: Well, looks like our ice cream is ready!

Posnacku: Whattaboutthedinkledonklebuttsaidbyspoonieloveofcomedycentralscrankyankersthegreatestshowtoairtheres
incechappellesshowandsouthparkwhichisanimationwhichislikedrawingwhichislikecomicstripswhichremindsme
ofgetfuzzywhichremindsmeofgarfieldwhooncesaidyessiranicecupofcoffeewithadonutfrostedorchocolateglaze
dtakeyourpickfollowedbyasecondandthirdandfourthcupandmoredonutsandmoreandmorecoffee...

Colonel: I'm cutting you off.

Posnacku: SHIBBY@shibby.shibby!!!!

Narrator: Now let's see how the Colonel deals with Posnacku, Loony and Ohnoes...

Colonel: Good thing I got DirecTV for this place a little while ago... What's on the History Channel? *dials 269* Ooooh! April 1865! My favorite Civil War documentary! Isn't the Civil War interesting, guys?

*Ohnoes, Posnacku and Loony are asleep*

Colonel: Wait, what's going on here? Why is the door closed to the Guest Bedroom? Might as well just slip into my bed... *quietly sneaks into bedroom and slides into bed*

*cuts away from Colonel's home and goes to Atlantis Base, Division Alpha, Upsilon Sector, Section 19, Security Camera HQ*

General: What's this? Hey... This is a tape of the Colonel in bed with my beer! Damn him to hell! Just you wait, Colonel, I'll have my revenge.. beer flavored revenge!

Chapter 4: Revenge of t3h General!

General: So Colonel, you thought you could get in bed with the beer, eh?

Colonel: Yah.

General: GIT!

Posnacku: GITS ARE GOOD FOR CAKES!

Loony: Eugh. Latent Homosexual.

*one nuclear war later*

Colonel: Ah well, the earth is in the nuclear holocaust but we're alright!

General: YOU WON'T BE FOR LONG!

*punch*

*removal of happy sacks*

*smash windows*

Colonel: CARP!

General: What, the fish?

Colonel: CRAP!

General: Oh. I'm still going to kill you, though. Toppo, get my shotgun, with the spiky end.

Colonel: What shotgun?

General: The one I chewed the end of for food in Operation Desert Storm.

Colonel: Wagga!

General: By the way, I want those 50 bucks.

Colonel: You'd have to KILL me first!

General: Okay. I'm cool with that.

Colonel: No, You're not really, are ya?

*shotgun is passed to General*

*Colonel cowers*

*General shoots and pudding comes out of gun*

Toppo: I thought you wanted the one from Dessert Storm!

General: CRAPS!

Chapter 5: Phone Troubles

*in the real world, in a phone call*

General: Ya know what? We could do an HGANB chapter about phones...

Colonel: Yeah! Let's do that!

General: But no cleaning- that's evil.

Colonel: K, cool.

General: Could we have beer?

Colonel: Sure.

General: Cool! B33R!

*END CALL; BACK TO STORYWORLD*

Posnacku: A PHONE! WITH PIE ON TOP!

Giblet: You prick! The phone is MADE of pie!

Ohnoes: MMM! PIE PHONE!

Toppo: General, I have the shotgun from DESERT STORM now.

General: Forget it, I ate him.

Toppo: WHAT?

Colonel: IN HERE TOPPO!

Toppo: Wha?

General: Tasted like chicken.

Colonel: Eeewww...

Kobkorn: *eats pie phone*

All: BLEAH!

Everyone: NOOOO!

Chapter 6: Parallelograms Are Fun!!

Posnacku: What's this? It looks edible! *eats book*

Colonel: NOOO!!! I payed money for that!!

Posnacku: Ana, nab a banana.

Loony: Who's Ana?

Posnacku: Campus motto: Bottoms up, Mac!
Yawn. Madonna fan? No damn way.

Ohnoes: Is something wrong with him?

General: Something's always wrong with him.

Posnacku: We'll let Dad tell Lew.
Dog doo! Good God!

Kobkorn: Posnacku? You okay?

Posnacku: No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.
Pasadena, Ned- ASAP!
No sir! Away! A papaya war is on!

Loony: I shalth defeat thy Palindrome Posnacku! *reaches down Posnacku's throat and pulls out a book*

Posnacku: FRIED MILK!

Toppo: I hate you!! *knifes Loony*

Ohnoes: Aha, just as I suspected- the Big Book of Palindromes.

*Kobkorn pukes out intestines and dies*

Ohnoes: Moral of this chapter: never drink rocks.

Chapter 7

Posnacku: Look! An ickle white baby doggie!!

Dog: Stay back, native brown freaky robot, I know Tae Kwon Do AND Kung Fu!

Colonel: Spunky! You're here!

Spunky: Yeah, I had a bit of trouble getting here, what with crossing the Ravine...

Colonel: Major, what do you think t3h Gate is for?

Spunky: Oh yeah. Sorry, Colonel.

Posnacku: NIBBLEFUDGE!!

General: The fudge... so evil...

Chapter 8

T-Mo: Tell me more of this ritual, O'Neill.

General: It's like this...

*General shoots T-Mo in shoulder*

General: GET A MEDICAL TEAM IN HERE NOW! COLONEL NICOLETTI SHOT T-MO!

Colonel: What the fish?

General: Cover-up. I won't get ya tried and convicted.

Medic: We're here, but T-Mo will have to give us a donut before we proceed.

Colonel: Take one from me.

Medic: Okay!

General: The Colonel shot him because.. uhh.. an entity came through the gate and ate his socks. And he turned evil.

Colonel: Yeah, that was it.

Doodles: MEEP! MLARMLARMLAR!

General: Ooh... even better! Okay, well, slightly less better...

Colonel: How's that for dramatization, whatever that means.

General: I dunno. *grabs gun and leaves*

Colonel: Oh great. That leaves it up to me and the medics to do something funny.

*medics start squabbling over donut*

Colonel: *Walks into a room in Division Gamma* Oh.. my... God...

General: Beat it!!

Colonel: I didn't know they had a ritualistic mound of dirt and 28 birthday candles in there. That was so suprising!

Chapter 9:

*people come thorugh stasis leak*

Mechanoid A9-32-1: I've lost Archie!

General: Guys, look for a penis. Quick.

Colonel: A9-32-1, that's just sick.

Mirrer: And some people are idiots.

Lispy: Got sushi?

Colonel: NO. WE DO NOT HAVE Sushi.

The Dog: KIBBLES!

A9-32-1: I've got Archie! Problem is, he seems to have accumulated under-sofa-items.

Colonel: Great.

Computer: I've lost my voice recognition. Abandon shop. This is NOT a daffodil.

General: Go! Leave the Toes!

*Mirrer is transferred out*

The Dog: Quick, before he gets back!

Lispy: Why is the place covered with magazines?

The Dog: Much less, why are they 'Morris Dancer's Monthly'?

Mirrer: You've been going through my stuff, haven't you?

Chapter 10

*monkey goes past on unicycle*

Ohnoes: That thing's getting annoying.

Kobkorn: I've got a great idea! Let's go destroy the Colonel's house!

*Colonel jumps out from behind rock*

Colonel: Ohhhhh no, not again!!

Loony: Inventions are not always named after their inventors, but rather, nicknamed after them. For example: Otto Titzling invented the bra, and Thomas Crapper did actually invent the modern flush toilet.

Posnacku: GITS ARE STILL GOOD FOR CAKE!!

Toppo: And you're still a gay.

*Colonel shoots Narrator in head and Narrator dies*

Ohnoes: Where do we hand in our barf bags?

General: The trash.

Posnacku: MILK! FRIED PIE! WIBBLES!!

Loony: STOP COPYING FORMER ABANDONED PROJECTS OF OURS!!

Kobkorn: Moral of this chapter: Homicide is pretty sweet, but suicide is golden. *shotgun goes off and blasts Kobkorn full of holes*

Chapter 11:

Mr. Penguin: You may wonder why I am making a chapter. This is because, I, Mr. Penguin, am allseeing.

General: Yeah, right.

Mirrer: Mr. Penguin's very cross.

Mr. Penguin: *charges up Hex vision*

Lispy: *throws sushi onto dinosaur*

Pete: RRAAAAAAAAAAAR!

*Pete eats Sushi, 2 1/2 tons of Mint Choc Ice Cream, washes it down with 100 gallons of a very popular fizzy drink, and then has diahorrea.*

Capt. Hoopla: MLAR!

Mr. Penguin: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Posnacku: PETE MAKE DAIRY PRODUCTS!

Kobranschi: MORE BRAN!

Lispy: You're spoling the taste!

*Loony is caught in wave of diahorrea*

Loony: AHH! MORSE CODE!

Colonel: That's sick.

*Toppo trips over a despair squid*

Toppo: Oh no, my name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Odeur de Yak Urinal.

Kobkorn: HA! MORON!

*Kobkorn gets hit by despair squid*

Kobkorn: Meeeeeeeeh??

A9-32-1: If Mechanoids could barf, I'd be onto my 5th bag by now.

Lispy: The damn doorlock's locked!

Colonel: Duh.

*Colonel picks doorlock*

*Everyone escapes, just as another wave of dino diahorrea hits Loony*

Loony: DAIRY.. PRODUCTS.. ARE WHAT YOU ... SHOULD.. BE EATING, MORON.

Chapter 12

*monkey goes past on unicycle*

Loony: DAMN YOU! *kicks monkey off cliff*

Colonel: I've just gotten news that the Periodaftereveryword Virus from Era 1, HGANB 1, is back. I just hope Loony didn't get it visiting HGANB Valley!

*Loony arrives*

Loony: Hey. Guys. What's. Up.

Posnacku: WIBBLES.

Gali: You. Gay. You're. Not. Allowed. To. Say. That. Anymore.

Posnacku: I. Am. Dumb. I. Am. Dum. I. Am. Du. I. Am. D.

General: Stop. Copying. HGANB. 1.

Posnacku: Maha. Was. Cool... .

Colonel: Remember. When. We. Killed. That. Gecko. Who. Mentioned. Us. In. Another. Comedy?

General: No.

Chapter 13:

General: Why. Actually. Yes. I. Do.

Colonel: Cool.

Posnacku: Ya. Know. Many. People. Like. MORONS.

Lispy: What the kapoo is happening? Where's my sushi?

General: Virus.

Mirrer: Marvellous.

9A-32-1: Do. you. enjoy. talking. like. that?

General: NO.

9A-32-1: Sorry, sir.

General: Moron.

Computer: I've got a cure for that.

Mirrer: Let us have it. It's the only thing they'll ever say without lift-up flaps.

Computer: Dispensed.

*Everyone is innoculated*

Computer: I've got a blip.

Mirrer: What is it, Computer?

Computer: A hoarde of viruses.

Mirrer: Damn. I was hoping to take a snooze.

Colonel: Ooh.

Mirrer: Mr. Penguin's very cross. You shouldn't have run away from him.


TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 14:

Mirrer: Mr. Penguin's very cross. You shouldn't have run away from him.

Colonel: I thought we killed him!

General: No, we just ate him.

Colonel: You moron.

*General rolls on floor like maniac*

General: PLEASE! DON'T MAKE ME EAT MY OWN SHOE!

Colonel: What a smee. What a smee. What a smee-HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

General: Smeghead?

Colonel: Yes.

Posnacku: MEEP! FRIED CHICKEN!

General: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASK!

Toppo: I'm now going to become a toilet roll *does so*

Potato: *pop*

Several Potatos: *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop* *pop*

General: NO! IT'S THE DAY AFTER POTATO!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 15

*Location: HGANB Valley*

Colonel: Rebuilding is almost finished!

General: That was pretty swift, cleaning up all debris from AND rebuilding an entire valley in just over a month!

Colonel: Yes. The height of destruction was this city, the capital, Octothorpe. After all, each floor of the HGANB Tower was- and is- a mile high and two miles wide. And it's 16 freakin' stories!!

General: Let's see... The first floor is the welcome floor, the second floor is the museum, the third and fourth are our offices, the fifth is archives... What should the other 11 stories be like?

Colonel: We'll think of something.


**10 DAYS LATER, AT THE DEDICATION OF THE HGANB TOWER**


*Copland: Fanfare For The Common Man starts*

*Loony holds a torch up to flame at site of original tower, lights it, and runs to new tower*

*Loony climbs up the staircase to the 16th floor, now a shrine to HGANB, and lights HGANB Eternal Flame*

*Colonel goes up to make the Dedication Speech*

Colonel Nicoletti: Hello. As I look out into the faces of all of you inhabitants of this quaint and humble island, I strike a chord deep within myself; for I can see in all of your eyes that when the Crayons bombed the original tower and destroyed this beautiful portion of our island home, you felt as melancholy and grief-stricken as I did for this tragic loss. And HGANB had't had very many good times on Thyne Evil Censored Board, either. And so we moved out to this island, this website, this world, just for us to create and manage; we started over with a fresh, clean slate. And that is what I think we should do once more now. And we have been off to a great start by rebuilding this tower and cleaning up this entire valley. Let us continue from now on with this fresh, clean slate. My thanks to all of you, I wish I could stay here in my native land a bit longer, but I must return to Atlantis Base. So-long, I will be back as soon as I can.

*Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture starts, with real cannon fire, church bells and fireworks*

Kobkorn: Moral: Crap tastes gooooooooood.

Chapter 16

*in the real world, in a phone call*

Colonel: Want me to put the Major on line?

General: Yeah! Hi Major!

Major: *barks out window, then sniffs phone*

Major: *thinking* I could say more for my presentation.

Colonel: She isn't feeling too well today.

*back in Storyworld*

Posnacku: WIBBLEPIE!!

Giblet: Back from the grocery store! And there's this new cola from 7up called dnL I bought for us to try!

Loony: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! The prophecy is fufilled!

Ohnoes: You expect us to know what that means?

Loony: On Wednesday, November 24th, 2004 BC, the evil power was stored away... the power of the dnL.

Toppo: Okay, I know not to rely on Loony for information anymore...

Loony: It was said that the spirit would finally break through the chamber on that same date in the Anno Domini era... and now it has happened!!

Kobkorn: Big deal.

*Kobkorn gets out metal sword, goes to all the supermarkets in Storyworld and destroys all containers with any trace of ever holding dnL; then, goes to 7up international HQ and kills the guy who came up with dnL*

Kobkorn: Well, that was easy! *tree falls on Kobkorn*

Ohnoes: Moral: Crap still tastes gooooooooooood.

Chapter 17:

General: I didn't think we had supermarkets here on P3X-212.

Spunky: We don't.

Colonel: Yeah. How weird is that?

Loony: VERY! MONKEYS LIKE CHEESE PUFFS!

Posnacku: GAYPOT! THAT'S MY LINE!

Gaypot: HEY!

Loony: I love Opium....

Lispy: Lispy to Atlantis Base! In our Midst we have a complete and total gaypot. Brains in the anal region, Chin absent, presumed missing, Genitalia, small and inoffensive.

Magnet: I AM THE GEN!

General: Gay. *Shoots magnet*

Colonel: Oh Bigglesnappy. *Falls over backwards*

Dog: I find spiritual enlightenment a distraction from the pursuit of Clothes!

A9-32-1: You know what happens when you call me tetchy.

Colonel: Tetchy.

A9-32-1: What a Smee. What a Smee. What a Smee-HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

*Some random guy on a unicycle dances across Atlantis base*

Random: Meep.

*Some guy called Steve appears*

Steve: Hi!

General: Hi Steve.

*Some guy called Steve disappears*

Colonel: Ookay...

Mirrer: *to Steve* Well, we know what to get you for Christmas. A double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.

General: For once, I second. J. A. Mirrer (BSC),(Judas Adam Mirrer, Bronze Swimming Certificate.)

*Steve appears*

Steve: Steve says: Chase Colonel Nicoletii round with an army of guys called Steve. Thank you.

*Everyone walks out singing to the tune of the Japanese National Anthem*

Everyone:
Kimi ga yo wa,
Chiyo ni,
Yachiyo ni
Sazare ishi no,
Iwao to narite,
Koke no musu made.

Chapter 18:

*everyone walks back in*

General: Hello? What possesed us to do that?

Colonel: What?

General: Sing the Japanese National Anthem.

Colonel: The same reason we have socks in life.

Posnacku: Did you know?: The Toe's names have changed for reasons to do with Copyright!

General: He's right, ya know.

Posnacku: I USED TO BE A FER TREWE! MLAR!

Ohnoes: So.. many.. dark places. MOMMY! ME WANNA KNOW MY OLD NAME!

Ohnoes' Mom: It was Onua, dear. I'm a man.

Ohnoes: YOU SCARE ME! *runs away after kicking his 'mother' in the family jewels*

Giblet: Yes, I had to be named after the unmentionables of a chicken. How lovely.

Toppo: You can guess who I am, gay.

Kobkorn: *eats corn*

Loony: MEEP!

General: There you go. You could probably guess who they are.

Colonel: HGANB: Some Hell of a book (Finished Title): Coming to a store near you: Spring 2006.

Spunky: If we finish all hundred chapters by then...

Chptr 19: Th Cnsnnt Vrs

General *Running in*: GUYS! THERE'S A CONSONANT VIRUS IN SOUTH STORYWORLD WITH ONLY ONE CURE!!

Colonel: And that is...

General: Jumping off the Jackson cliffs without dying.

Colonel: *imagines Posnacku falling off cliff*

Colonel: WOOHOO!

Posnacku: DANCES WITH LOBOS!

Toppo: Wolves?

Loony: Just a smidgen.

Kobkorn: How STUPID.

*everyone suddenly dances the funky chicken*

*Posnacku farts*

All: CHEESE!

Everyone: RUN! POSNACKU FARTED!

Ohnoes: Hey guys, I'm back frm Sth Strywrld.

General: Did anyone ndrstnd tht bt?

Colonel: Bggr. W'r gng t hv t jmp ff tht clff.

*They all jump of the cliff and live*

General: Wohoo!

Toppo *Still at top*: GYS!

*Toes jump off cliff and die*

Toppo: SHT.