I’m unsure of how well liked this is going to be as I’m aware Alan and Joanna aren’t the favourite characters amongst many on this forum. However, in view of the fact they are my favourite characters and I feel I’m not doing them justice or paying them enough attention in Later That Night And Beyond, I decided to do a fic revolving around them entirely.

Because I wanted to do something a bit different, I also decided to tell the story via Alan’s and Joanna’s thoughts. I don’t know how well it’s going to work and fear it won’t be well at all but I decided to give it a go.

EDIT: I've realised, actually, it isn't all that different doing it via their thoughts as Snoopybing did it like that with Answers too. Hmm, maybe I was influenced by that fic when thinking how I was going to do this fic, come to think of it. Well, credit to Snoopy, in that case.

So here is the full Statham and Clore story from the beginning (as I’ve decided it :P ).




DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Green Wing characters. This is a piece written solely for fun.


Joanna:

Come on, barman, you’re not bad looking but you’re the slowest worker I’ve ever seen. How long does it take to get a vodka, for God’s sake? Right, about f*cking time too. Is this my fifth or sixth? Oh, well, just one more after this and that’ll be my lot for tonight. Home to go and watch telly in bed. Alone. Again. I wish I had someone to at least watch it with – a man to watch it with… except if I had a man at home in my bed, we wouldn’t be watching telly! I could do with a good seeing to right now. It’s been too long since George.

Oh, bloody hell, who’s that? He’s a right bit of all right! Oh, yeah, I’ve seen him before – one of the new students. Um, what is it? Boyce? I think that’s it. He’s too sexy to be allowed to prowl in this neck of the woods. Hmmmm, I wonder if I could… No, no, no, he’s half my age, isn’t he? Shit! I’d better not, I suppose, but there’s no harm in just looking. Admiring from afar.

“Two screaming orgasms, please… No, no, no, it’s a cocktail. Are you a barman or a tosser?… Hi, Joanna, what are you looking at?”
Well, I suppose I can’t stop Kim having a quick look too. As long as she doesn’t touch. Christ, hang on, that isn’t a quick look, Kim, that’s a major f*cking ogle!
“Yeah, hello, Kim. Not bad, is he?”
“Well, depends on your taste but I prefer the younger one on the right, myself.”
Eh? On the right?
“He is on the right.”
“Oh, you’re looking at the same one as me? Sorry, I thought you were looking at the one with the moustache.”
Is she taking the piss or what? I hadn’t even noticed that one but then who’d want to? He’s a consultant, him. At least he has power, expertise and money but he’s not exactly a catch like that student of his. Mind you, now he’s smiling that’s quite a nice face. But he’s older than me, he must be. Much older… surely.


Alan:

“So he said ‘Well, couldn’t you squeeze me in in the back room?’ and the barmaid said ‘Well, I could but I’m working at the moment’!”
If that was a reference to sexual intercourse, Mr Boyce is a filthy man. He may be laughing but I am not. We should have some intellect in our humour, methinks. We are, after all, learned individuals or at least I am. Seniority certainly can’t be seen to be amused by such low-grade comedy and must set an example to the bottom ranks.
“Don’t you get it?”
“I fear, Mr Boyce, that, that, that I do ‘get it’, as you so put it, but I think you should be aware the most high-ranking member of the Radiology and Imaging Team is not…”
“So you don’t get it, then? Is sex a complete closed book to you, Dr Statham?”
Oh, bloody… I must keep calm.
“Far from it, if you must know, Mr Boyce.”
“You’re not married, are you?”
Why did he have to bring that word up? I hate him already! Married? Married?! Can he read my mind? There is nothing more that I would like in the world than to be married. Married to a beautiful princess. She would be mine, there to love me, look after me, pander to my every need and throw in a bit of fellatio too. Oh, dear, dear me, I’m getting as bad as the pleb sitting beside me!

“Oh, Dr Statham, I think we could be on to a winner tonight! Look over there.”
Hmm? Ooh, my f*ck, a pair of women! Looking at me! I wonder if they’d notice if I suddenly disappeared to hide under the table.
“Got your chat-up lines ready?”
‘Chat-up lines’? I went to Cambridge!
“Oh, oh, yes, yes, yes, of course, I use them frequently.”
“OK, let’s go in, Doctor! Seeing as I’m feeling generous tonight and would like to show you my gratitude for your help with the ECG graph this afternoon, I’ll let you choose which one you want and I’ll take the other.”
YES!!! Oh, yipeeeeee!!! That head of Human Resources always did catch my eye and now I’m being allowed full opportunity to see what she says in response to my advances. I’ve been dying to ask her for years, if I’m honest with myself.
“Oh, that’s as long as I get the Liz Hurley look-alike, by the way. The choice is yours after that, mate, er, Dr Statham.”
This is definitely going to be my lucky night.

What? We’re going over already? No, no, no, Mr Boyce, I wish you’d sit down and let me breathe first. How the f*ck does one do this sort of activity? It was easy with Janet because she had already known me ten years but I’ve only spoken to Joanna Clore five times. The first time we exchanged a total of seven words between us in the canteen, the second she telephoned me to ask the location of a missing form, the third must have been nearly a three minute conversation when she caught me accidentally going into the ladies, the fourth was more of a case of violence than speech so I won’t think about that one for now and the fifth was when I realised I was in love with her.

“Dr Statham, are you all right? You’re shaking.”
“Hmm? Yesssssss, I, I, I, I…”
“Don’t worry, I’ll give you a hand, come on.”

Oh, f*cking bloody f*cking blood!! We’re actually going over!!! I think I’m going to faint.

aww bless him.... he loves her..haha and joanna is more interested in boyce lol and who can blame her lol

aww it nice to have something other than carmac and carguy!

:lol: That was ace! Keep going!

Thank you very much, Jess and Mini Mars. :) I'll keep going if enough people like it.

Oh this is fab! It's so refereshing to read a fic that isn't car/mac or car/guy. Can't wait for more!

This is excellent- I love Alan and Joanna!! :) I prefer them as a couple than the characters seperatly!! Look forward to reading more!!

ooh this looks to be a good fic.

tis pretty different and well written.

Thanks, everyone. Great to come back to some comments. :) :)

I've got a bit of work to get through but I'll get as much fic writing done as I can.

I forgot to mention how much I love the title! ;)

:roflmao Thanks. Trust me, eh? :rolleyes: :ooherr

Alan:

OK, this is, as they say, it. She’s seen us approaching! Keep calm, Statham. I think if I smile at her it might help. Right, I’ll focus my gaze upon her person… Ah, yes, there we are!!! Right, focusing, here we go with an inviting… yes, I think an inviting smile… Oh, she’s still looking! I’m doing all right! F*cking hell, I’m doing all right! OK and… OH, BLOODY!!!!!!
“God!! This is my favourite top, you clumsy moustachioed consultant! Red wine!? It’s ruined!”
BOYCE!!!! He thinks it’s all one big joke, doesn’t he? Oh, yes, yes, let’s see how much fun we can poke at the qualified superiors! That is his idea of a good night out, is it?
“Oh, my… Sorry, sorry, sorry!! I was tripped up. That bloody, bloody, bloody… student. It was deliberate and, don’t you worry, he will be punished, I shall make sure of it.”
“Punished? Ooh, Dr Statham, you’re a one, aren’t you? Are you going to beat me with your pointer in lecture tomorrow?”
“F*ck off!!”
“Sorry, what was that?”
Why is it suddenly two against one? Who’s this girl who’s staring at me in the same way Boyce is? Well, she can f*ck off too!
“F*ck off!! That’s what it was, Mr Boyce, go and wreak havoc elsewhere, if you please.”
“Ooh, hey,” Oh, God, don’t tell me this girl fancies him! “don’t mind if we do!”

Right, well, at least they’ve gone but I may as well be eaten up by the ground now and disappear for eternity after that. I now have about as much chance of another conversation with Joanna Clore as that Dr Macartney has of losing an argument between he and myself. Right, well, I shall make my exit as dignified as possible. As long as I get up without slipping again, and don’t look at anyone, I might get out in one piece.

“Well?” That’s her voice! “Aren’t you going to get a cloth or something?”
Umm, all right, just a quick glance in her general direction as I return to a standing posture.
“Hmm? Oh, a cloth, yes, of course. Barman, a cloth, please.”
Why isn’t she taking it? What? What’s that? Oh, I! I am to… Surely I’m going to faint now.


Joanna:

I hope no one’s looking at my face because I’m actually quite enjoying this. No, no one’s going to be looking at my FACE just now! Eurgh, why am I enjoying this? This man must be older than me and he’s known to be a prick; I can’t be turned on by him, can I? It must just be because it’s been a while since I’ve had a man’s hand on my breasts. Nothing more to it than that.
“Yeah, yeah, all right, that’s enough,”
I’d better stop him right now.
“It, it, it, it is r-r-r-r…” Oh, God, I didn’t notice his stutter that much before. It’s either it’s worse at the moment or I didn’t pay much attention before. Or maybe a bit of both. “r… rather stained.”
“Yeah, told you; it’d better come out or else, Mister!”
“Err, Doctor, actualament, Ms… Ms Clore, if I’m not mistaken. I, I, I believe we may have met before once or twice.”
“Five times.”
Why is he suddenly looking at me like that? I know it’s five times; I’ve counted.

“Would, would… would you like me to take your top home and wash it for you?”
That’d mean my taking it off and letting him have it, wouldn’t it? Mmmm, why do I like the sound of that? I can’t let myself like the sound of that. Not with him. I wish the other one had stayed over here, particularly as it was his fault. I saw him trip the consultant up! It was pretty funny but a bit harsh, to be honest.
“Er, no, it’s all right, I’ve got special washing powder for stains at home; just forget it, all right?”

I think I ought to get off before that final vodka. I’m starting to feel strange. I’ll just get off the stool and… ooh, God, how many did I have?! Good job this Statham was here to catch me then, actually.
“Why, why don’t I t-t-t-take you home and wash it for you at your own house, hmm?”
Have I got any clean tops at home? I might have to just go around in my bra until it’s washed. What would he think of that? I suppose there’s only one way to find out. Oh, my Christ, no, hang on, Joanna, what in f*ck’s name are you doing? OK, OK, I’m not going to pretend to myself that I’m not thinking what I’m thinking but no one else can think it! If we leave together I will probably have to murder this man afterwards.
“Turn left out of here, then the fifth right, the fourth right, the second left and mine’s number 45. See you there later.”

Right, now he’s gone, I’ll give it ten minutes and go to the car… ah, didn’t mean to fall on that shaved headed man, oops… maybe I’ll have to get a taxi.

:lol: That was brilliant you've got the characters perfectly! Poor Statham though!

hehe bless joanna and her jelly legs :lol:

Ha! That's perfect Statham. :lol:

I love Statham and Joanna - and they've definately grown on me in GW.

This is great, and I can't understand why more people don't write Statham bits as you can put in loads of stutters and things B)

This is fantabulous! I really love it!!! I so believe that Joanna and Alan love each other and are meant to be and I'm reading this as the genuine beginning of their relationship!! :D This is such a refreshing fic because it is something different and I love reading it!!

I also agree with everyone else saying that you have the characters perfectly, thats what makes it so belivable!

Bravo to this fic!!

hehe thsi is good.

not sure i want to see smutty alan and jonna though. :blink:

This is brilliant! I'm ashamed of myself for not having commented before! A truly original and excellently written fic. You go Little Simba! :yeeay

Aww, thanks, everyone! You're all so nice! :hug MBG, your comment particularly made me blush so an extra :hug for you. :)

I'll get back to this when I can but I've been v. busy of late and am continuing to be for the next few days but I'll see what I can do.

What would people like me to do with this next? Would you prefer me to do later the same night or go on to the next day at work? Please cast your votes...

i feel very much stricken that i hadnt read this sooner - LS this is brilliant!!!! :yeeay

Thank you so much, NGWF. :hug

Does no one have a preference for it to next be later that night or the next day?

Joanna:

We didn’t waste much time in getting to the bedroom but I didn’t think it’d be so easy. I think he really likes me! Oh, my God, where’s that hand going now?
“Ms Clore…”
God, ‘Ms Clore’? I’ve been calling him by his first name since we got in. I know he never said I could but tough.
“If, if, if, if you wouldn’t mind removing your skiiiiiiiirt it would make my job easier.”
He seems to go about everything like a consultant. He’s treating me like a patient! Well, this had better be more fun than a smear test! Ah, now, that’s more like it. Don’t often find the doctors taking their clothes off too when they’re doing a procedure. Well, aside from that time a few years ago but I still don’t know how I talked that GP into it. Mmmm, OK, not as bad as I feared. Yeah, legs are all right, seen worse, anyway. Oh, God, why do the trousers have to be folded up so neatly and laid down carefully? He could have been completely naked by now. I am! And he hasn’t even noticed yet.
“Right, now, where, where m-m-m-m-might I be permitted to hang my shirt? Do you have a…? Oh, my f*cking f*cksie!”

Oh, great, I hope he comes round soon. What shall I do? Slap him or just wait here and see if he regains consciousness before I fall asleep?


Alan:

I knew I’d faint eventually tonight. I’m glad I’ve got it out of the way now, actually. Let’s see if I can pick myself up from the floor. Ah, yes, there we go. Now, where is she? Ooooooooooooh, there she is! My God, she is beautiful naked. I doubt she’d make it as a pornography star, admittedly, but, to me, that is the ultimate picture of beauty and sex.
“Oh, you’re back, are you?”
How long have I been out? I wonder how many pages of that novel she’s got through. Still, at least she’s putting it down now. I think she’s ready for… Right, oh, no, she’s coming nearer.

Ouch!! Oh, my God, help, HELP!!! I’m being strangled!! Argh, she’s a murderess!! Where’s the telephone? 999 beckons. Oh, no, that’s better. Ah, yes, I knew she was just taking my tie off. Of course I did. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a bloody minute. I hope she’ll be offering me reimbursement to pay for a new shirt. I’m no good at sewing buttons back on. Hmm, that was very uncalled for. I’m sure a dental surgeon would have a thing or two to say to that as well. Unbuttoning using teeth cannot be good for the oral health.

Now that… THAT cannot be good for the health in general! But… ooooooooooooooh, ooooooooooooooooh, oh, my f*ck, I hope she doesn’t stop.

:roflmao fantastic!!!! you got the characters perfectly!!!!!!

:roflmao This is absolute genius, LS.

haha :lol: ohhh!! bless him!! go joanna!! haha he fainted lol

:lol:

Ilove the way Statham hangs his clothes up. So him!

I really like how sweet and shy he is. And he loves her - it's adorable! :D

Thanks so much. I'm pleased this seems to be raising a few laughs. :D

I'm thinking up the next part so will try and get it written at the weekend.

Alan:

Golly, golly, golly gosh. Aside from the occasion I conducted my very first x-ray analysis single-handedly, that was the best moment of my life to date. This wonderful, mystic, legendary creature has now completely and utterly won my heart. She is all I now need. She can give me everything I could ever dream of.
“Are you awake already? It’s only half past five!”
“I, I, I, I have not as of yet been to sleep, my darling. Sleep is a much harder thing to come by after…”
“Is it? Right, well, if you’re not going to sleep, piss off to work now, will you?”
Ah, her sense of humour is nearly as good as mine. I like how she does so jest. Let me see how she reacts to this.
“Alan, what are you doing? Put the light on if you can’t see properly.”
If I did that it would ruin the surprise. Mind you, she’s right; it is hard in the dark. I think she might like the touch only sense, however. Aha, still no panties, I see, or, rather, feel.


Joanna:

I wanted some more sleep, I thought. But now I’m not so sure. Ahhhhhhh, he’s so much better than you’d think to look at him. Oh, God, how much can I remember of last night? Pretty much all of it, I think, actually! It was hot and felt f*cking fantastic. Haven’t had one as good as that in years…
“You know last night?”
Hmm, muffled speech, can he hear me?
“It was…”
No!! No, I can’t say it! I mean, if he thinks I really liked it he’ll think I’d be happy for us to do this again. What, wait a minute, Joanna, who are you trying to fool? For God’s sake, I never know why I lie to myself. Of course I f*cking want this again. He’s… ooooooooooooh, oh, my… oh, yes, he’s incredibly good. Oh, God, I want him again right now. Where did I put those condoms?

Ah, shit, I’ve ruined it now I’ve put the light on. I can see him now. All right, then, fantasy role-play it has to be.
“OK, you’re going to have to pretend you’re someone else.”
“Some... some… someone else?”
“Yeah, anyone. Anyone else, just not you.”
He’s thinking. At least he’s putting the effort in.
“A… a… a plumber?”
“Yeah, go on then, that’ll do.”

Ah-haaaaaaaaaaa!!! Oh, Christ Almighty! Who’d have thought he’d be like this. Here we go again, eh? Wow!
“Right, erm, hello, Ms, Ms, Ms Clore, I understand you h-h-h-have a leak in your washing machine. Ummm… is-is it a Hotpoint or Z-Z-Zanussi? They… oh, my f*ck, yes!! Er… they… they didn’t give all the d-d-d-details at the depot but my trust-trust-trusty old spanner should solve a problem or two.”

This isn’t just a one-nighter. No way. I’m not going to let it be. How long did that last? Not bad!
“Ms… Joanna,”
At last!
“Joanna, I th-th-think I l…”
Oh, God, who can that be ‘phoning at this time in the morning? What was he going to say, I wonder? Probably something trivial and boring and useless, as ever. He’s still a wanker, no matter what.

haha joanna likes him!!
statham good in bed :blink: !

Teehee.

I v much like this.

Is anyone prepared to read a fic that was last updated in September? If not, fair enough. I know half the people who post here now weren't here when I was posting this before so I understand if they're not interested and, tbh, even anyone who did read this back then will have to read back to remind themselves after all this time of what went on.

Just to quickly recap, this is (my interpretation of) the story from the beginning of Alan and Joanna narrated by their thoughts at the time. Here's the next bit from Joanna:




Joanna:

Oh, great, here comes the last person I want to see.
“Mum!!?”
F*cking hell!!! Why does he always seem to raise his voice to use the forbidden word? Right, turn the corridor, Joanna; just walk away and pretend he’s a madman with nothing to do with me. Oh, bloody hell! Great, now he runs up to me and taps my shoulder like a little boy would to his *gulp* mother.
“Mum, can I talk to you?”
“No.”
“All right, well, can you tell me where Dr Statham is?”
Oh, my God! He knows, does he? Don’t tell me someone got some sort of inkling. We’ve been ever so discreet. No one could have been any the wiser, could they? OK, Martin’s spying on me. That’s what that ‘phone call that morning was about, wasn’t it? I thought the whole having a panic attack just because of stupid old doctors exams was a bit odd. Right, I’ll… I’ll have to kill him.
“I need to talk to Dr Statham. It’s going to be awkward but you understand, don’t you? I’ve got to.”
Right, OK, bloody hell, I’ll pretend I’ve got hold of the wrong end of the stick and act innocent.
“Yeah, yeah, OK, he’s in a lecture at the moment, I think. Not that I’m sure. Not that I have anything to do with him but, er, his timetable’s in my office. For some administrative reason. Rules and all that. Stupid, aren’t they?”

Phew! I hope that’s delayed him for a while. He’s bound to bump into him sometime soon but at least he’ll be going to a lecture Alan isn’t at and while Alan does clinic this afternoon, he’ll be out of bounds. Well, Martin won’t blame me for misremembering the timetable and thinking Alan was in lecture when he was in his office. He wouldn’t really expect me to know anything about him, would he? Onwards with the day, then. Only… oh, God, five and a half hours until the end of the working day. I think I might have to slip in and inform Alan of a little supposed emergency this afternoon - something that requires his urgent attention out of the reach of anyone else. Tea and biscuits are not enough to satisfy the cravings of a Human Resources Manager.

:notworthy It's so great to have more of this fic again. I absolutely love it - you have Alan and Joanna so well, and it always makes me laugh when I read this. Thank you for adding more!