Episode 2 [2.2]
Caroline: "Why me?"
Angela: "He’s still the same person."
Caroline: "It’s so unfair. It’s like being trapped in a parallel universe."
Angela: "Just tell him what happened."
Caroline: "He might not believe me. I’ve got no witnesses."
Angela: "Well, if he knows his minds gone a bit…blurrg…so just tell him."
Caroline: "Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi Mac, I’m er, I’m Caroline. You know, the one you found a bit irritating at first, but then er…well, the thing is you really, really liked me and now we’re kind of a couple. So, there you go, I’ve filled in all the gaps, let’s go to bed."
Angela: "Well, maybe in not so many words."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Guy sees Joanna walking towards him.]
Guy: "Oh God. All right, just calm down. You didn’t know she was your mother, you didn’t mean to have sex with her, it’s not your fault. Just act normal."
[They pass each other.]
Joanna: "Dr. Secretan, good morning."
Guy: "Good mummy. Oh Jesus!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Alan telephones Joanna. He is a corridor, next to a notice board with pictures of the staff.]
Joanna: "Hello, Joanna Clore."
Alan: "Oooh…ooooooh…oooooh…dirty, dirty."
Joanna: [Uninterested] "Is that you Alan?"
Alan: "Super, this is the best I’ve ever had. It’s like…oh now…"
Joanna: "Alan, is the you?"
Alan: "Touch me there. Heeeeee…" [Another Doctor passes by and Alan stops. When he leaves, he starts again.] "…Heeeeee…ohhhhhhh."
Joanna: "Hello."
Alan: "Sorry, to whom I am speaking?"
Joanna: "It's Joanna Clore."
Alan: "Oh how awful, you must have heard me having full sex."
Joanna: "You’re not having sex Alan, you’re pretending."
Alan: "Of course I’m having sex, with…" [Looks at the board and sees Caroline’s picture.] "…Dr. Todd."
Joanna: "When you accidentally dialled my number?"
Alan: "Yes, yes. I was thrusting, dare I say my naked bottom pressed against the speed dial and I’m so very sorry that erm…you, you, you were party to my enormous orgasm just then."
Joanna: "Don’t apologise to me. Although since you’re on loud-speaker you might want to apologise to Charles…"
[The camera moves. Charles is in the office and has heard every word.]
Charles: "Hello Alan."
Alan: "Hello Charles."
Joanna: "…Simon…"
[The camera moves to show Simon, another executive, Asian.]
Simon: "Alan."
Alan: "Hello Simon."
Joanna: "…and Dr. Todd."
[The camera moves to show Caroline was in Joanna's office as well, thus hearing Alan talk about having sex with her.]
Caroline: "Dr. Statham."
Alan: [Timidly] "Hello."
Joanna: "We were just preparing for an internal tribunal."
Alan: "Well, that’s good. Err…because I’m glad you’re all there, because what I’m doing is highlighting the whole…err…business…of conference calling, and the risks inherent in security laps that are clearly going on. Goodbye."
[Alan hangs up. As he stands around he kicks into the air and his shoe flies off, which he catches, polishes, and puts back on.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Guy’s tribunal]
Guy: "I'd admit to an outsider that it probably doesn’t look great."
[We see the entire court. Charles (the head of the tribunal), Joanna, Sue, Simon, and another female executive.]
Charles: "How do you think it looks to an insider?"
Guy: "Probably not great."
Charles: "One of our anaesthetists steals an ambulance, containing one of our top surgeons and a junior doctor, and drives it over a cliff."
Guy: "Top surgeon? What about top anaesthetist?"
Joanna: "What about top arsehole?"
[Sue shines a light in his eyes.]
Sue: "What about Topshop? What about Top Gun? What about Top Cat?"
Charles: "Susan. Ssssh."
[Sue turns off the light and puts it away.]
Guy: "I was mentally distressed. Err…something of a shock."
Joanna: "Can we not go into details."
Charles: "Yes, I think we’re all aware of the circumstances."
Guy: "On a brighter note…"
Sue: "You are dead after all?"
Guy: "No. On a brighter note, it looks like I shall be getting back my Noel Coward style dressing gown." [Joanna hits her head on the table in despair.] "Which I wore, when…"
Charles: "Yes, well I’m sure we’re all very relieved. Isn’t there something else you’d like to say?"
Guy: "Err…I don’t think so?"
Sue: "What’s the magic word?"
Guy: "Abracadabra?"
Charles: "How do you normally express your gratitude to somebody?"
Guy: "You want a tip? Is that ethical?"
Charles: "Verbally."
Guy: [Sighs] "Yeah, well…" [He coughs. He tries to speak but he can’t. Eventually he does.]thank you."
Charles: "For?"
Guy: "For having me, and also for smoothing things over with the GMC, and thank you for letting me go back to work, and thank you for… da music, the songs I singing, thanks for all da joy they’re bringing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Martin, Kim and Boyce are having lunch. Kim is sitting on Boyce’s leg. Guy walks over to them.]
Guy: "Oh yes! I’m a free man. I won. Out of my Jezabel."
[Guy pulls Kim away and Guy sits on Boyce.]
Kim: "Come on Karen, let’s eat outside."
[Martin stands up. He is sitting on Karen.]
Karen: "Oh, my legs have gone to sleep." [Karen falls over. Kim helps her get up and they both leave.]
Guy: "Yeah, I walked all over them. They begged for my forgiveness."
Martin: "No! What, you’ve got your driving licence back?"
Guy: "Yes, that’s right Fartin, they overturned the court's decision. And they made fox hunting compulsory for the under fives and they banned water."
Martin: "Water! Not drinking water?"
Guy: "Yeah, drinking water rain man, yes, yes, and drizzle. So, who’s for a celebration game of Guyball?"
Boyce: [Looking at his watch] "Yeah, I’ve got to go. Got to top up on water."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The team return.]
Caroline: "Look, we’re all back!"
Mac: "Yeah, but I don’t really remember who you are?"
Guy: "Well, as long you remember in what order to put the organs back in in."
Mac: "What an odd thing to say say." [Mac has a scalpel in his hand, and starts waving it around.] "A one, a two, a one, two, three, four."
Caroline: "Yeah, I’m actually a little bit worried now."
Mac: "Wuss."
[As Mac cuts into the body, Guy pretends to look worried.]
Guy: "Oooh…no! Not like that! Don’t hold it like that. Oh my God, the man’s a butcher. Be careful with that bit, that’s the bit they need to…eat asparagus. They won’t be able to eat asparagus if you cut that bit out." [Guy and Caroline start to laugh.] "Et tu Caroline."
[Mac stops.]
Mac: "Are you two dating?"
Caroline: "No, one date."
Guy: "One date, and now we’re married."
Caroline: "No, no, no, no, we’re not married."
Guy: "Yeah, she likes to pretend we’re not married, but we are."
Caroline: "No, we’re not married."
Guy: "I can draw an accurate diagram of her labia with a Spirograph."
Caroline: "No he can’t. He can’t! Guy, shut up!"
Guy: "Oh she does go on, the wife. In fact, if you want to see what it looks like…"
[Guy pulls off an air tube connected to the patient with a mouthpiece shaped like a labia. The machine starts bleeping quickly, and Guy puts it back.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Guy and Mac’s top five qualities in a woman, to Caroline.]
Guy: "Five qualities, that’s easy. Number one, bendy."
Mac: "Unpredictable."
Guy: "Number two, shaved."
Mac: "Must appreciate the genius of the Kinks."
Guy: "Number three, slightly anorexic."
Mac: "Thoughtful eyes."
Guy: "Four, about sort of 5% lesbian."
Mac: "Should be in touch with her masculine side."
Guy: "And finally, mustn’t be too smelly, in the cellar."
Mac: "Compassionate."
Guy: [Disgusted] "Errrr…So what you’ve come up with is an unpredictable, yet compassionate, slightly masculine, Kinks fan... with eyes?"
Mac: "I know. It’s an impossible dream." [Mac leaves]
Guy: [To Caroline] "In the cellar." [Caroline leaves] "Down below."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel is dancing as she listens to music on her iPod. Then she starts to cry.]
Joanna: "Kim, Charles wants some other bloody brief, could you tell him to f*ck off would you? What’s up with her?"
Kim: "She’s got her iPod on random. Travis."
[Joanna walks over to Rachel, and takes out one of her earphones.]
Joanna: "You think Travis is sad do you? Hmm…" [Joanna takes a glass of water and puts her iPod in it.] "There, bet you’re sad now."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
["Carrier pigeon," a poem by Alan]
Alan: ""Carrier pigeon. Carrier pigeon. Carrier of disease. Oh gnarled claws, hobbling. Disease, eating away at your very being. Look out! A car! I can’t fly because my wing has been damaged. Beep. Beep. Beeeeee…"" [Alan beeps like a heart monitor after the heart stops beating. He moves his fingers as he continues. He pushes his spectacles half-way through and continues.] ""…eeeeeeeep.""