Episode 1 [2.1]
[Mac’s dream, after the staff have just changed into their sci-fi costumes. Guy notices he is wearing a dress and a woman’s wig.]
Guy: "Hold on! This isn’t mine!"
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Caroline: "OK, if you love me, lie still and don’t open your eyes. If you don’t love me, sit up and sing, "I will survive."" [After a short pause, Caroline smiles] "Really? Ahh…I thought so."
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[Kim and Rachel are reading Oedipus]
Kim: "So, how far have you got?"
Rachel: "Oh, I’m just getting up to the good bit."
Kim: "Oh, you mean the bit were he actually sleeps with his…"
[Joanna takes the books from them.]
Joanna: "Yes, thank you. What do the twatting Greek’s know about tragedy?" [Joanna puts the books in the bin] "Try being me for an hour, then you’d know about fucking tragedy." [Joanna enters her office, and falls over.]"
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[Murder attempt No. 3]
[Sue is in the air vents, dressed in black with dark glasses. Sue finds Mac’s room. Caroline is lying asleep on the bed with him. Sue pushed a wire with a weight on the end, down the gaps in the vent and lowers it down to Caroline’s mouth. She then takes out some poison and trickles it down the wire. A nurse enters the room and sees Caroline asleep. The Nurse coughs and Caroline wakes up. She leaves the room quickly, just before the poison lands.]
Sue: "Oh God damn your eyes! I’ll get you my pretty!"
[Sue removes the grate and drops a white rose onto Mac’s bed.]
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Alan: "Greetings, one and all. Mr. Boyce. So what er…what jollities await hmm? What larks? What japes? What hilarities lurkith today? Er…is there…is there…" [Taps light box with pointer] "…Tomato soup in the light box? Oh er…superglued my special mug? Let’s see." [Alan pulls hardly at the mug, but finds it not superglued] "Right, fine. I knew. So, what is it? There’s always something isn’t there."
Boyce: [Sadly] "No. Not today."
Alan: "A truce then, Mr. Boyce, for the nonsense."
Boyce: "Indeed."
Alan: "So what is it?" [Taps him on the face with his pointer] "Hmm? I little bit under the weather are we Mr. Boyce, or have we run out of…" [Pushes Boyce’s head back with the pointer] "…childish ideas? Eh, well, you may have won the odd battle Mr. Boyce, but you clearly cannot win the war. Ego sum victor!" [Attacks Boyce with his pointer, using as a sword and pointing at his neck.]
Boyce: "My daddy died last night."
[Alan stops messing around. He waves his point at Boyce, looks him in the eye, and starts stuttering.]
Alan: "Well…erm…I’m, I’m, I’m, I’m saddened." [Boyce starts to cry.] "We will be with them at the end."
Boyce: "Yeah. Yes. Would... would you like to see him?"
[Alan is taken aback.]
Alan: "The body?"
[Boyce lifts up in his hand, a matchbox containing a daddy longlegs.]
[Alan looks enraged, and stutters]
Alan: "Th-that is not your Daddy!""
Boyce: "No. No, "Daddy," my pet daddy-long-legs is dead."
[Alan is furious and spits on the match box.]
Boyce: "You said you were 'saddened.'"
Alan: "A daddy-long-legs is not a father!"
'[Alan hits Boyce’s hand. The matchbox flies in the air, Alan catches it, hits the box with his pointer, then stamps on it. Picks it up, puts it in his mouth, spits it out, and stamps on it again.]
Alan:"Yes!"
[Alan picks it up, and spits it this time over Boyce. He points to the box on the floor.] "There!"
Boyce: "Sorry, where were we?"
Alan: "There!" [Points at x-ray photo.] "And now here."
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[Martin sings Mac and plays the mouthorgan.]
Martin: "Hmm, I’m sitting at the side of your bed. Oh, wishing I could mend you broken head." [Plays some more music] "I’m so sorry you’re in a coma." [Plays some more.] "I wish you could go home." [Plays and finishes]
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[Guy has brought a kitten in Mac’s room. He then takes out a gun and points it at the kitten.]
Guy: "Wake up, or the kitty gets it." [Pause, then he talks to the kitten.] "You said it would work."
[Sue, wearing a white veil and carrying a bouquet of pink roses enters.]
Sue: "Oh, sorry. I thought Dr. Macartney was on his own, I’ll pop back later."
[Sue leaves. Later, Caroline confronts him, whilst he is lying on a desk.]
Caroline: "Guy, did you take a cat and a gun into Mac’s ward?"
Guy: "It was a replica."
Caroline: [Gasps] "You brought in a replica cat?"
Guy: "A replica gun."
Caroline: "You're trying to get fully reinstated, how stupid can you be?"
Guy: "Not stupid enough to ask whether or not someone has brought in a replica cat." [Guy falls of the desk he is lying on.] "Ow!"
Caroline: "Well I hope you’re happy with yourself, because they’ve banned you from seeing Mac."
Guy: "Ban-ed? They can’t ban me."
Caroline: "Well they just have. You will not be allow-ed into the room. If you do, you’ll be suspend-ed."
Guy: "Oh, well I’d like to see them try and stop me."
Caroline: "Don’t push it Guy." [Caroline leaves]
Guy: "Oh right, like I’m going to do what a girl says." [Guy pushes a trolley of medical equipment over.]
Female Nurse: "Pick those up, now!"
Guy: "Yeah, sorry."
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Karen: "Shall we kiss?"
Martin: "Yeah."
[They peck each other on the lips very quickly, several times. They then stop.]
Karen: "Shall we try it with open mouths?"
Martin: "Yeah."
[Martin is about to do the same thing, only with his mouth open. Karen stops him.]
Karen: "Maybe, if we use our tongues a little bit."
Martin: "OK." [They start the whole thing again, only with time, with their tongues sticking out. After a while, Martin looks at his watch.] "I’ve got to…" [Kisses again]
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[Joanna listens to Alan on the tape recorder.]
Alan: "Hello Joanna, it’s me, Alan. Alan Statham. I know I may have been a little harsh with you with the things I said about yourself and Dr. Secretan." [Joanna stops the tape. Kim laughs. Joanna takes the tape recorder and the other present into her office, and plays the tape again.] "I just wanted you to know that my true feelings are very different. I think if you open present No. 2, you’ll see what I mean." [The tape pauses. Joanna looks at the present and starts to open it. It’s a closed box.] "Go on, open it." [Joanna starts to open it.] "Yes, undo the shiny clasp." [Joanna can’t do it. She takes the tape and the box back outside, and tries to open it at Kim’s desk.]
Joanna: "More shoddy presents. Kim have you got any scissors or anything?" [Sees a ruler] "Oh it’s alright, I’ll use this."
Alan: "Yes, that’s it. Carefully lift the lid…" [Laugh evilly] "…Weren’t expecting that were you? Thousands of flies!" [Joanna stops and listens] "Dirty, dirty flies, blasting from the box and buzzing around you filling the room like a black stinking cloud and you know why they’re attracted to you…hmm? It’s because you’re a piece of dead meat!" [Joanna walks back into her office and starts to open the box again.] "Crawling all over you right now!" [Laughs evilly again] "In your hair, under your nostrils, up your feted fanny hole!"
[Joanna stops the tape, and carries the box back out of the office, handing it to Kim.]
Joanna: "I think this present needs returning. If you could er…pop down to Dr. Statham’s office and chuck it in through the door. Yeah, yeah, finger on top. Carefully, carefully, carefully."
[Kim carries the box out.]
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[Alan plays God on Mac.]
Alan: "I shall make you in my image. In the beginning, was void. A rather bland and pasty visage, and Statham said, "Let there be hair!" And lo!" [Alan takes out a marker pen and draws a moustache on Mac’s face.] "…There was. Facial hair. And Statham looked upon it and saw that it was good. He also added rather fashionable pair of spectacles." [Alan draws a pair of spectacles on Mac’s face.] "Yes, I think I can see a bit of a double-act between us." [In Mac’s head, he dreams of a double-act. He dreams he and Alan are in the band "Sparks".]
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Karen: "Hector?"
Harriet: "Horace? Horatio? Hebert?"
Karen: "Harold?"
Harriet: "No, too old fashioned. How about a Biblical name?"
[Kim and Rachel sit with them.]
Karen: "Yeah, Herod."
Harriet: "No Herabas?"
Karen: "I don't think so."
Harriet: "Gabriel?"
Karen: "Yeah, I like Gabriel."
Kim: "My God, you know it’s a boy?"
Rachel: "That’s unlucky, you shouldn’t name it yet."
Harriet: "Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Karen."
Rachel: "Oh my God! Karen’s pregnant?"
Karen: "Am I? Oh my God."
Harriet: "Oh no, Karen is picking out a pet name for Martin’s penis. And she likes Gabriel."
[Kim and Rachel looks disgusted.]
Karen: "What? He does look like a Gabriel."
Harriet: "Oh, d*ck!"
[Kim points at her approvingly.]
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Guy: "Listen Caroline, if a man hasn’t got his integrity, what does he got?"
Caroline: "Battleships?"
Guy: "What?" [Caroline gives him his Battleships game he was playing with Mac, when he was disguised as an Arabic woman.] "That’s not…that’s wasn’t me."
Caroline: "What wasn’t you?"
Guy: "Oh, yeah…well no…that…that…do you mean that woman with the…" [Screeches in a rubbish Arabic accent.]
Caroline: "Who’s she?"
Guy: "She’s the woman who…oh you must know that woman."
Caroline: "Do I?"
Guy: "She’s…she’s around. She’s called…" [Guy lets out a low Arabic rasp.]
Caroline: "Who’s…?" [Repeats the noise]
Guy: "She works in the…" [Arabic accent] "…Canteen."
Caroline: "Ah, does she?"
Guy: "Yeah."
Caroline: "Does she?"
Guy: "She serves the…" [Arabic accent] "…Chips."
Caroline: "The what? The…"
Caroline and Guy: [Arabic accents] "Chips."
[Caroline gives Guy back the game disapprovingly.]
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Caroline: "Please wake up. I want you to do some gardening in my parsley patch. I want you to make love to me."
[Mac wakes up and knocks Caroline on the head.]
Mac: "Oh f*ck! I think I’ve killed a doctor." [Mac lies back down]
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Boyce: "Em.... Mac's woken up! He just knocked out Caroline Todd!"
Alan: "Well yes, of course he did, and..and I've got a cold in my cock!"
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Alan: "Mr. Boyce, have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf?"
Boyce: "Why would I lie?"
[A woman enters and walks down the corridor.]
Alan: "Long ago, in Germany, many, many moons ago, in a little village in the mountains, lived a little boy. He was…"
Boyce: [Pointing at the woman and shouting.] "f*ck me! There is a wolf!"
Alan: "Bloody wolf!" [Alan hits a ping-pong ball at the woman and realises his mistake.] "No! No, I knew she wasn’t a wolf. I…no you see I pretended she, she, she, she was a wolf and therefore you are the fool! Not…ha, ha, ha!" [Alan looks low for his ball, and hits his head against the wall.]
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[Sue reads a pregnancy guide. She is breathing in air, probably helium. Her voice is higher than normal.]
Sue: ""Pregnancy can produce a number of conflicting emotions. Ranging from feelings of pure joy…"" [Sue starts to laugh. Removes the air. Voice returns to normal, and she starts to read again.] ""…to bouts of black depression."" [Sue starts to cry and wail. He then stops and reads again.] ""You may feel faint."" [Sue faints.]