Episode 8 [2.7]
Boyce: “Morning Dr. Statham, it’s off to work we go we go then.”
Alan: “Do you mean, “Hi Ho?””
Boyce: “What?”
Alan: “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to work then is it?”
Boyce: “Oh like the song, yeah if you like.” [Sings] “Hi Ho, Hi Ho.””
Alan: “Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, a dwarf might hear you. What then?”
Boyce: “A dwarf?”
Alan: “Don’t say the word, though.”
Boyce: “You just said it, and I don’t think they’re many dwarfs around here.”
Alan: “No, exactly. Not because they’ve been killed, obliviously. They’re might have been though, so it’s lucky for you, your lucky day Mr. Boyce isn’t it?”
Boyce: “What, because I’m too tall to be a dwarf?”
Alan: “Where?”
[Boyce points upwards.]
Boyce: “Just up there?”
[Alan looks up and sees nothing.]
Alan: “No, not there, not in the sky.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Ventriloquist’s Dummy]
[Martin talks to Sue, who is wearing a ventriloquist’s dummy. The dummy is writing down notes.]
Martin: “Right, I have enough money to get rid of my debts, right, and buy myself a nice jacket, but not enough to buy a castle.”
Sue: “Right, and do you want a castle?”
Martin: [Sniggers] “No.”
Sue: “What do you want then?”
Martin: “Well, I just want to be told, “What is the best way to spend my money?” So I don’t feel guilty once it’s all gone.”
Sue: “Well that’s…that’s…that is a tricky one.”
Martin: “I know.”
Sue: “Let me think…what to do? What to do?”
Dummy: “Give Sue White all the money.”
Martin: “What…what was that? What did you say?”
Sue: “I didn’t say anything. I was just, you know thinking.”
Martin: “Just thinking out aloud?”
Sue: “No, just thinking.”
Martin: “Oh right.”
Sue: “Just let me think.”
Dummy: “Give Sue White all the money. Go on give it to Sue, give it to Sue.”
[Martin takes a stapler and pretends it is a dummy.]
Martin: “No, I don’t want to give…”
Dummy: “Well f*ck off then, you fucking stapler.”
[Martin leaves. Later, Sue is kissing the dummy.]
Sue: “Live damn you, live!”
Dummy: “f*ck off! Save yourself for Dr. Macartney.”
Sue: “Yeah, I know you right, you right but, Mac and Holly, what are going to do?”
Dummy: “Destroy her!”
Sue: “Yes good, how.”
Dummy: “Leave it to me.”
[Sue just sits waiting for something to happen. Later in the locker room, Sue enters the locker room and opens up Holly’s locker using some sort of master key.]
Sue: “You will regret beginning ever trying to mess with me Little Miss Holly Hawkes.” [Sue opens the locker, and takes out a large bag. She pulls out a small bag from the locker, smells it and throws it down to the floor. As the camera turns, the dummy is visible.] “Jesus! Mankey bitch!” [Sue rummages through the large bag, and then just empties it over the floor. She then sees something a picks it up. It is a large bottle of hair dye.] “Ahh! “Autumn Lace, covers even the darkest hair shades.”” [Sue continues to look in the bag. She finds a piece of paper and reads it, shocked. The dummy turns its own head around.]
Dummy: “Oh, you shouldn’t be snooping in Holly’s bag.”
Sue: “Shut it!”
Dummy: “You shouldn’t go snooping.”
[Sue slaps the dummy across the face. The dummy shouts in pain. Sue takes the dummy and locks it inside Holly’s locker. The dummy bangs on the locker door from the inside.]
Sue: “Yes, yes, that’s it you fucking pie-nut!”
[Sue takes the bottle and letter and leaves.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joanna: “What are we going to do?”
Alan: “Let’s wee on each other.”
Joanna: “No, no, no, really Alan.”
Alan: “Let’s have sex.”
Joanna: “We have to keep away from each other!”
Alan: “Let’s have sex separately.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Point of it All]
Caroline: “Ever wonder why we do this?”
Mac: “Well, we could leave the gallstones in, but it does seem a waste of one of Guy’s sleeping potions.”
Guy: “Sleeping potions. Bummy, scrawny, pasty little men.”
Caroline: “Yeah but is what we do really worth while?”
Mac: “Well technically yes.”
Caroline: “No, I mean does what we do really make a difference?”
Guy: “Want to try it blindfolded? More of a challenge.”
Mac: “I can personally vouch for the fact that more people leave this room alive than they do dead. There are the people who will pay the accounting staff.”
Caroline: “That help sleep at night.”
Mac: “No, that’s what booze and sex are for.”
Guy: “And wanking.”
Mac: “Which is why you can’t come around anymore.”
[Guy takes out a folded up piece of paper with four coloured spots on it, and sticks his fingers up each corner.]
Guy: “Pick a colour.”
Caroline: “Pink.”
[Guy opens and closes the paper four times.]
Guy: “Pick a number.”
Caroline: “What did you do just then?”
Guy: “Pick a number!”
Caroline: “Three.”
[Guy opens and closes the paper four times.]
Guy: “Pick another number.”
Caroline: “Two.”
[Guy opens and closes the paper twice and unfolds it.]
Guy: [Reads] ““Shave off all your bodily hair.””
Caroline: “Who wrote this?”
Guy: “Me.” [To Mac] “Mac, you didn’t get that because you don’t have any bodily hair.”
Caroline: “Neither do you.”
Guy: “I have got a lot of bodily hair actually.”
Mac: “Enough for all of us, and half of the entire Greek population.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Alan recovers after Boyce gives him the kiss of life.]
Alan: “Thank God! What have you been eating?”
Boyce: “Kim.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Harriet, Rachel, Karen and Kim are all eating cream doughnuts. They have cream all over their faces, and Rachel has some on the top of her breasts. Oliver arrives.]
Rachel: “Lovely. OK Ollie, we’re ready for you.” [Oliver licks the cream off. Rachel points to the bit on her breasts.] “Oh you missed a bit.” [Oliver licks the rest off.]
Oliver: “Hmm…”
Rachel: “Hmm, ta.”
[Karen, Kim and Rachel all group together, but Oliver seems more reluctant.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Caroline and Jake are talking. Jake is not wearing his spectacles, but is instead wearing a Topmiler. Guy walks in and sees him.]
Guy: “What are you doing?”
Caroline: “I’ve got something in my tooth.”
Guy: “Not you, you!”
Jake: “Oh, this is my Topmiler.”
Guy: – “Well duh! Do you play Guyball?”
Jake: “I haven’t for a couple of years, ever since I got a neck injury of Markus Geisler.”
Caroline: “He’s the big Austrian.”
Guy: “I know who he is!”
Jake: “Do you play?”
Guy: “Well, I’m Guy Secretan. The Guy Secretan. I am to Guyball what William Webb-Elles is to wugby…rugby! So err…what’s you settle rate?”
Jake: “My settle-rate is 37.”
[Guy looks impressed and worried as Jake puts on his goggles.]
Guy: “37.”
Jake: “But that’s with alternate stickles, and it was a few years back.”
Guy: “That’s very good.”
Caroline: – “What’s yours?”
Guy: “I…err…it’s not a competition.”
Jake: “Well technically speaking, it is a competition.”
Guy: “I can’t remember. I did a lot of block-fisting last year.”
Jake: “I’m pretty sure that you and I will meet across a parish one day soon.”
Guy: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure too, we’ll meet. One shoulder’s a bit lower than the other at the moment.”
Jake: “Yeah, I noticed that.” [Guy starts to leave.] “I feel so good.”
Caroline: “Yeah, so good.”
[Guy leaves. Caroline starts to laugh out loud.]
Jake: “Was that all right? I think I nearly said, “Sticklebacks,” instead of, “Stickles?””
Caroline: “You were superb!”
Jake: “Really? I don’t know, I feel a bit. I think I upset him.”
Caroline: “But that’s, that’s…”
Jake: “That’s what?”
Caroline: “Never mind.”
[Guy rushes in and tries to throw a ball into the Topmiler, but Jake moves out of the way. Guy tries to throw a football in, but Jake avoids it again. Guy tries another football, but again misses.]
Jake: “You know what that is?”
Caroline: “What?”
[Guy tries to throw in a toaster, but it is plugged in and he gives up.]
Jake: “One, two, three. Stickle-sense. It never leaves you.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sue is being pushed on a large trolley, blowing a whistle.]
Sue: [Whistles] “Attention! It’s not his baby!” [Whistles] “Attention! Ach-Tung! It’s not his baby, but mine is!” [Sue gets off the trolley and whistles.] “Attention! Ach-Tung! It’s not his baby, but mine is! [Sue whistles. Caroline is in the room.] “Attention! It’s not his baby, but mine is!” [Sue whistles and Caroline stops her.]
Caroline: “What are you doing?”
Sue: “None of your beeswax, it’s on a need-to-know basis.”
[Sue walks away, but Caroline stops her, and holds her up against the wall by her throat.]
Caroline: “Speak or I’ll ram this whistle down your oesophagus, so help me God.”
Sue: [Unclear] “It’s not his…” [Gibberish]
Caroline: “What?”
[Caroline lets Sue go.]
Sue: [Unclear] “It’s not his…” [Gibberish] “…Holly…” [Gibberish] “…tory.”
Caroline: “What?”
Sue: [Unclear] “It’s not his…” [Gibberish] “…Holly’s…” [Caroline thumps Sue on the chest and her voice returns to normal.] “It’s not his, Holly’s kid, she lied, dyed her hair, she’s history.”
Caroline: “Seriously?”
Sue: “Yeah man, and it was all me that found out. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo. Ber, ber, ber, ber…”
[Caroline kisses Sue on the mouth, runs around, and jumps up and down celebrating.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caroline: “Did you ever get the feeling that maybe weren’t supposed to get together?”
Mac: “No, I would you say that?”
Caroline: “Oh, you know. The coma, the memory loss, Holly, it just seems like destiny is aginus.”
Mac: ““Aginus?””
Caroline: “It’s like, “Against,” only just a bit more olderer.”
[Caroline and Mac are about to kiss, when a saw pops up through the table and cuts a circular hole. Sue jumps out.]
Sue: “Yeah, I’m here! Sorry I’m late. First of all, I’ve got a peté un môn announcément to make. Ladies and gentlemen…” [Sue does a little drum roll.] “…I am pregnant! Oh yes, that’s right. Heavy, heavy with child. And the best bit is, it’s…” [Points at Mac.] “…yours!”
Caroline: – “Mine?”
Sue: “No, it’s Dr. Macartney’s!”
Guy: – “Yes!”
Caroline: “Oh for f*ck’s sake!”
[Caroline starts to leave.]
Mac: “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!”
Caroline: “Shall we try this again tomorrow? Thanks Boycie.”
Boyce: “Yeah, see you.”
[Caroline gives Boyce a quick kiss. Guy starts to leave as well.]
Sue: “Oh dear, I didn’t mean to split up the happy couple.”
Caroline: “We’re not a couple! That would be far too simple.”
[Caroline leaves.]
Guy: “They’re not a couple.”
[Guy leaves.]
Mac: “You’re not pregnant.”
Sue: “Really?”
[Sue opens her jacket to show a plastic doll baby. Martin tries to touch it but Sue hisses in anger and he backs off.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[edit]
Episode 8 [2.8]
[Guy writes, “I love you,” on Caroline’s steamed-up mirror.]
Guy: “I'm nearly there.” [Opens door and Caroline enters.] “It’s all yours.”
Caroline: “Bloody time.”
Guy: “Do you want to…”
Caroline: “What?”
Guy: “You want to put some makeup on.”
Caroline: [Sarcastically] “Oh thanks; I’ll take that as a complement.”
Guy: “No, no, no. I mean you look great but…” [Caroline takes a towel and wipes the mirror without reading the message.] “No!”
Caroline: “What?”
Guy: “You spoilt it.”
Caroline: [Brushing her teeth] “Spoilt what?”
Guy: “The mirror, I'd written in it.”
Caroline: “Really.”
Guy: “Yes.”
Caroline: “Wrote what?”
Guy: “It doesn’t matter now, but if you must know it was, “I love you.””
[Caroline stops brushing her teeth.]
Caroline: “You bloody narcissus! Now get out!”
Guy: “Are you going to see, “Ginger nuts,” today?”
Caroline: “We work with, “Ginger nuts,” of course I’ll see him.”
Guy: “I know, but can’t we just go to a different hospital?”
Caroline: “What do you mean?”
Guy: “You know, just you and me, doing our stuff.” [Guy tries to touch Caroline, but she moves away.] “Go somewhere else.”
Caroline: “No, go away!”
Guy: “Let me brush your teeth.”
Caroline: “No! Get out!”
[Caroline pushes Guy out of the bathroom and starts to brush her teeth. Guy walks back in.]
Guy: “I’ll do the top, and you’ll do the bottom.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mac gives Sue a piece of paper.]
Mac: “For you.”
[Sue reads it]
Sue: “A restraining order? But why Mac, why?”
Mac: “Because life is too short. Read it, learn it by heart, never bother me again.”
[Mac walks away and Sue follows.]
Sue: “What about if I do it, but if I don’t actually touch you?”
Mac: “No, no, no!”
Sue: “What if I spoke in Portuguese?”
[Sue starts speaking in Portuguese.]
Mac: “No, not in any language, ever.”
[Mac starts to walk off again, but Sue stops him again.]
Sue: “I could sniff you intoxicating trouser fragrance.”
[Sue kneels down in front of his groan.]
Mac: “That would make you sound like an ink-jet printer. Go away, or go to jail.”
[Mac leaves Sue on her own.]
Sue: [Wailing] “But what about the wee bairn?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Harriet enters the office wearing about five layers of clothes.]
Rachel: – “Harriet, what the f*ck?”
Harriet: – [Crying] “Ian found out about Lyndon and threw me out, he told me to take what I needed and leave, and I couldn’t find a suitcase. It’s very hot in here.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Guy and Mac are playing with yo-yos as they walk down the corridor.]
Guy: “I love when patients give you things.”
Mac: “Apart from venereal diseases.”
Guy: “Yeah.”
Mac: “You know he’s on his last legs.”
Guy: “Who, “Yo-yo man?””
Mac: “Well, I’m assuming he had a real name.”
Guy: “Yeah, but you can’t remember what it is.”
Mac: “Can you?”
Guy: “Well no, but you’re the moral one, so it’s worse that you can’t remember.”
[Martin comes down the other end of the corridor, also playing with a yo-yo.]
Martin: “You know, “Yo-yo man,” died.”
Guy: “Yeah, he had a name actually.”
Martin: “I can’t remember what it was.”
Mac: “Yeah, nether can we.”
Martin: “You know the last thing he said to me was, “Don’t die alone like me, in a place like this. Find someone you love. Ask them to marry you. Raise children together, and live a rich and full, happy life.”” [All three stop playing with their yo-yos.] “I don’t get it.” [Martin plays on, doing tricks with his yo-yo, and failing. Guy and Mac walk around him, and realise the meaning of his words.] “Walk the dog, catch the monkey, chase the rabbit, open the fridge, rearrange the kitchen.”
Mac: “Wise words.”
Guy: “Yeah, good old, “Yo-yo man.””
[Guy and Mac walk away, whilst Martin still does his tricks.]
Martin: “Stroke the beaver, smell the witch…” [He brings his yo-yo up to his nose and smells it.] “…oh count the ants.” [Martin looks around and sees he is alone.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Commitment]
Mac: – “All I’m saying is that you’ll never be a one woman man.”
Guy: – “That’s rubbish, I am.”
Mac: – “Are you?”
Guy: – “Yeah.”
Mac: – “What about that new blonde girl in ENT, nice or what?”
Guy: – “Not interested.”
[Caroline looks at Guy in amazement.]
Mac: “Not interested?”
Guy: “No. No, I’ve changed.”
Mac: “Oh great. What about Graham in dermatology?”
Guy: “Changed as in, “I think I’m ready for commitment.””
Mac: “Fantastic. I’ll sign your commitment papers for you today.”
Guy: “Commitment with a woman.”
Mac: “Aah.”
Guy: “I can see myself with about a dozen children.”
Mac: “That’s illegal ain’t it?”
Caroline: “Mac!”
Mac: “What would you do with a dozen children?”
Guy: “I’d teach them Guyball.”
Caroline: “I’d buy them a train set.”
Mac: “A train set?”
Caroline: “I love train sets.”
Mac: “Ah! You love train sets. They’re supposed to be for children.”
Caroline: “Well, I was never allowed one, so…”
Guy: “Yes, there’s nothing wrong in wanting a train set. That’s a very good quality in a wife…woman…doctor.”
[Caroline and Mac both look at him.]
Mac: “If you’re looking for a wife/woman/doctor…”
Caroline: “Aren’t you looking for a wife/woman/doctor?”
Mac: “Well I haven’t placed an advert in, “Wife/Woman/Doctor Weekly,” this week.”
Caroline: “Which week will you put an advert in then?”
Guy: “Maybe he will never put an ad in.”
Caroline: “Is that true?”
Mac: “Well it depends doesn’t it. I mean it’s difficult to say when you’re placing an ad in. You get your hopes up, and then the person who answers the ad can let you down, then suddenly you’re back to were you started. I think you need to be very sure before you place the ad.”
Caroline: “Suppose you’re ready, waiting for the ad, from a specific person. Do you go on waiting for that ad, or do you go for another ad? You know, the type with a typo in it or something?”
[Guy looks apprehensive.]
Mac: “I think you have to know exactly what you want.”
Caroline: “I see.”
Guy: “What d’you mean by, “Typo?” exactly?”
Caroline: “Err, I’m not sure.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Martin’s proposal]
[Caroline is in the canteen when Karen, Kim and Rachel come in cheering, wearing cheerleader costumes and waving pompoms.]
Karen, Kim and Rachel: “2, 4, 6, 8, we’ve got a message from you mate. Give us an, “M!””
[Caroline ignores them.]
Rachel: “Excuse me.”
[Caroline turns around.]
Karen, Kim and Rachel: “Give us an, “M!””
Caroline: [Long pause] “Err…M.”
Karen, Kim and Rachel: “Give us an, “A!””
Caroline: “A.”
Karen, Kim and Rachel: “Give us an…”
Caroline: “Is it a, “C?””
Rachel: “It’s an, “R.””
Caroline: “Oh, err…R.”
Karen, Kim and Rachel: “Give us a, “T!” “I!” “N!”
Caroline: [Sighs] “Martin.”
Karen, Kim and Rachel: “YEAH!” [Martin runs from behind, and stands on top of Rachel and Kim.] “Marry him! Marry him! Marry him! Marry him! Marry him!”
Martin: “Marry me.”
Caroline: [Long pause] “Sorry Martin.”
[Rachel and Karen move and Martin drops down to the ground.]
Karen: “She said, “No.””
Karen, Kim and Rachel: “She said, “No!” She said, “No!” She said, “No!” She said, “No!” She said, “No!” She said, “No!””
[Karen, Kim and Rachel leave. Martin looks around, and looks at Caroline.]
Martin: [Cheerfully] “Yeah!” [Martin runs off. Later, he pays Karen, Kim and Rachel for their work.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Guy’s proposal]
Caroline: “Hi.”
Guy: “Hi.”
Caroline: “I wanted to talk to you about earlier.”
Guy: “Who?”
Caroline: “You know, as in, “Earlier on today, when you wrote, “I love you,” on the mirror.” You know, when you wrote, “I love you,” on the mirror. Well, someone who looked and sounded just like you did. It was meant for me wasn’t it?” [Guy does not respond] “Right.” [Caroline walks away, but come back.] “It’s a shame because I realise that I didn’t take the person seriously at the time, and I want to thank them.”
Guy: “Thank them?”
Caroline “Yeah, I err, I, I, I liked it. I liked it that they wrote that. I like…them. But you know.”
[Caroline turns to leave, but Guy stops her.]
Guy: “Marry me.”
Caroline: “What?”
Guy: “Marry me.”
Caroline: “Is this for some sort of bet?”
Guy: “No, no, no. This is me. Here and now, asking you to marry me. Marry me.”
[Caroline and Guy kiss.]
Caroline: “Oh my God.”
Guy: “Yeah, I get that a lot.”
Caroline: “I’m sure you do.”
Guy: “Please, don’t say, “No.” “Say, “Maybe,” say, “You’ll think about it,” but don’t say, “No.””
Caroline: “OK.”
Guy: “OK, you’ll think about it?”
Caroline: “I’ll think about it.”
Guy: “Really?!”
Caroline: “Really. Kiss me again while I think about it.” [Guy kissed Caroline again. He lifts her on to the table.] “You are really good at that.”
Guy: “I practice a lot. Of course, if you say, “Yes,” I’ll just practice on you.” [Pause] “Too much.”
Caroline: “A bit.”
Guy: “Yeah, sorry.”
[Caroline gets of the table she starts to leave.]
Guy: “He’ll never do that. He never sees anything through. You’ll be waiting forever. And he kisses like a newt.” [Caroline leaves.] “I’m told.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Karen: “I though I saw a Clanger.”
Harriet: “Oh Jesus!” [Harriet hugs Rachel for protection.] “A what?”
Karen: “A Clanger!”
Harriet: “Oh, I thought you said, “Shark.””
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[An Important Question]
Guy: “Are you all right with the fact that we kissed?”
Mac: “We never kissed.”
Guy: “No, me and Caroline.”
Mac: “Fine, yeah. Are you all right with what she said?”
Guy: “Yeah fine, it’s all a bit vague really.”
Mac: ““I feel absolutely nothing for Guy.” That was vague was it?”
Guy: “Oh that bit, well she was trying to spare your feelings. You know, we all work together, she had to be diplomatic.”
Mac: “True. So if I just went for it one day, and say I said, I asked her to marry me or something, she would just turn me down flat, would she?”
Guy: “Well, I know you, you wouldn’t do that.”
Mac: “Wouldn’t I?” [Caroline enters.] “Dr. Todd, hello. So, erm…I was wondering if I could ask you something?”
Guy: [Shouting] “No you can’t!”
Caroline: “What do you mean?”
Guy: “What? What? What do you mean, what do I mean? Oh sorry, you carry on.”
Mac: “Fine, do you think that…”
Guy: [Shouting] “No, wait!” [Claming down] “Just, all right, go on.” [Whispers to Caroline] “Be careful.”
[Mac tries to speak, but Guy shouts out gibberish before he can speak. He tries again, but Guy does it again. It happens a third time. Mac points at the tray and Caroline take a plastic cup, and covers Guy’s mouth.]
Mac: “Would you consider an arterial incision to be worth the risk in this case?”
Caroline: “I don’t think I would, no.”
[Caroline takes the cup away.]
Guy: “She said no! Boo-yah!”
Caroline: “Although I certainly appreciate Dr. Macartney taking a moment to respect my professional opinion.”
Guy: [Sings] “No, no, no, no, no, no.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Mac’s proposal]
[Caroline is eating a bag of Hula Hoops when Mac sees her.]
Mac: “Hi.”
Caroline: “Hi.”
Mac: “Hi, I wanted to err…to ask you something.”
Caroline: “Did you?”
Mac: “Yeah. Yeah, well you know. That’s why I’m here saying, “I want to ask you something.””
Caroline: “Yeah, what do you want?”
Mac: “Erm…you.”
Caroline: “Well, you’ve come to the right place, cos here I am.”
Mac: “Yeah. No. I erm…I want you.”
Caroline: “Oh.” [Caroline realises what Mac means.] “Oh.”
Mac: “Yeah. Erm…OK. Not really sure how this is gonna come out, so erm…it’s a little tricky, but erm…Caroline…”
Caroline: “Wait, wait! Are you, are you about to propose to me?”
Mac: “…erm…”
Caroline: “Only it will be my third today.”
Mac: “Oh great. Quiet day?”
Caroline: “Yeah.”
Mac: “So, what did you say to these proposals?”
Caroline: “Yes, no and maybe.”
Mac: “Right. So what would I be? Yes, no or maybe?”
Caroline: “Oh, you’re the yes.”
Mac: “Of course you realise that I didn’t actually propose to you just now.”
Caroline: “No, no, no, but then you were pacing about, looking nervous, so I…”
Mac: “Yeah, yeah. That’s because I was building up to, to getting around to asking you…erm…whether or not you would swap shifts with me tonight. Short notice I know. You don’t have to. Really not a problem, I can ask someone else. It’s cool. Are you all right?”
Caroline: “Yeah.”
Mac: “Sure.”
Caroline: “Yeah.”
Mac: “Good, good.”
Caroline: “No, I just thought…”
Mac: “What?”
Caroline: “I, I.”
Mac: “What did you think?”
Caroline: “I thought you were going to…no, I was just…well, I don’t know what I was…well anyway, who wants to get married these days.”
Mac: “Yeah.”
Caroline: “Yeah, it’s just so…”
Mac: “Absolutely, absolutely.” [Mac starts to leave, then comes back.] “Of course, you could always move in with me.”
Caroline: “What?”
Mac: “Well, that’s what I was going to ask you before I made up the bit about swapping shifts.”
Caroline: “Why would you do that?”
Mac: “Cos…erm…I really wanted to make sure that I could live in the same house as both your eyebrows.”
Caroline: “You can be very cruel sometimes.”
Mac: “Yes.” [Caroline gets up and leaves. Mac takes the Hula Hoops from her. He takes one out and looks at it.] “I don't think I’m quite finished.” [Later, Caroline is attending a patient when Mac arrives.] “Ah, hi there. Hi, I’m Dr. Macartney. How are you feeling? I need to borrow Dr. Todd just for a moment because it’s rather urgent, excuse me. [Mac moves Caroline to the end of the trolley that she was attending.] “Hi.”
Caroline: “What now?”
Mac: “I need to ask you’re advice.”
Caroline: “Advice about what?”
Mac: “About whether I should apologise verbally or physically.”
Caroline: “Physically.”
Mac: “Good. You see, unbiased and instinctive.” [Caroline and Mac kiss. The patient looks at them. After they kiss, Caroline nearly falls over.] “Whoa!”
Caroline: “I accept. Your apology.”
Mac: “Good, great. Erm…I’d like you to try and get on with this as fast as you can, because we’re going away somewhere for the weekend. OK?”
[Mac starts to leave.]
Caroline: “What about my shifts?”
Mac: “Sorted. I’ve got you covered by dopey Daniel.” [To patient] “You are going to be fine, just lose some weight.” [Mac leaves.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel is on her mobile phone. Karen is still sitting on the windowsill. Harriet is making a paper hat.]
Rachel: “No, where are you? Where are you?”
Harriet: “I love Fridays, because the afternoon doesn’t really count.”
Rachel: “Well then, I should be able to see you.” [She starts looking out of the windows.] “Where? No, I can’t see you.” [Rachel opens the window Karen is leaning against, and Karen falls out. Rachel has not noticed.] “No, I can’t see you. I can’t see you.” [Rachel closes the window, still unaware that Karen has fallen out.] “Well, just give me a call when you get back in the building. Yeah, OK. Yeah, bye.” [Rachel hangs up.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Alan is disguised as a nurse, and is trying to hide is moustache. As he walks down a corridor. Boyce grabs him from behind. He is wearing a fake moustache that looks exactly like Alan’s.]
Boyce: “Ssssh, ssssh, ssssh.”
Alan: “Oh, it’s you.”
[Later, in the car park. Boyce is on his mobile phone. Some policemen are outside the entrance.]
Boyce: “The weasel is still in its cage. The weasel is still in its cage.” [The policemen walk away.] “The weasel is out of the cage! The weasel is out of the cage!” [Alan and Joanna, in disguise, (Joanna as a doctor in scrubs), leave the hospital.] “Fly pelicans! Go, go! The weasel is returning to the cage! The weasel is returning to the cage, so pelicans to the kitchen! Pelicans, go to the kitchen.” [Alan and Joanna hide behind a police car. They start to run towards Boyce.] “Go to the kitchen! The kitchen!” [Joanna puts her hands up in confusion.] “The bush! The kitchen is the bush!”
Alan: [To Joanna] “Just a minute.” [Alan runs to Boyce.] “Where?” [Boyce points.]
Boyce: “There! There!”
Alan: “Are you trying to say something?”
Boyce: “The kitchen is the bush.”
Alan: “Did you say, “Kitchen?””
Boyce: “Look, we arranged all of this.”
Alan: “I only heard a, “Bush.” You keep saying, “Bush.””
Boyce: “Look, we worked on this.”
Alan: “Policeman! Act normal. Kiss me.”
Boyce: “What?” [Alan kisses Boyce. Joanna runs towards them and separates them. Joanna starts to kiss him.] “In for a penny.”
Alan: “No, me.”
[Alan pulls Joanna away and kisses her. She then turns away and kisses Boyce again. Alan pulls Joanna away and kisses her again.]
Boyce: “Wait! Wait! Why don’t we just go to a motel?”
[Joanna sighs.]
Alan: “Good idea. Lie low.”
Joanna: “Come on!”
Alan: “Lie low.”
Joanna: “He meant for all of us to have sex together.”
Boyce: “Good kisser.” [Boyce strikes his chest.]
Alan: “Sex, with Boyce?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Train]
Martin: “There’s a train coming! There’s a train coming!”
Caroline: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course there is, and this is platform 21. And I’ve said no.”
Martin: “What? This? No, I’m…look! There’s a train coming, I promise.” [A tooting of train whistle is heard. Caroline turns around and sees a model train coming on a set of tracks put on the floor.] “Look!”
[Caroline gasps in amazement. There is a note on the train.]
Caroline: “Look! Oh wow!
[The train stops in front of them. Martin picks up the note and reads it.]
Martin: “And a map!” [Reads] ““Meet me at the station at 6:43, wear something special.” Christ, I’d better go!”
Caroline: “Martin, I think that’s for me.”
Martin: “Are you sure?”
Caroline: “Quite sure.” [She takes the note and reads it.]
Martin: [Disappointed] “God, I knew it was too good to be true. Oh, Hula Hoop.”
[Martin picks up a Hula Hoop from the carriage pulled by the train.]
Caroline: “A Hula Hoop?”
Martin: “Is that good?”
Caroline: “I think it might turn out to be a very special weekend Martin.”
Martin: “A weekend with lots of snacks probably.”
[Caroline waves the Hula Hoop in front of Martin.]
Caroline: “Special Martin.”
Martin: [Excited] “A visit to the Hula Hoop factory! Cool! Yeah! Who is it?” [Martin runs down the corridor. Later, at the train station, Caroline waits for Mac. Steam is building up behind her. A voice cries out.]
Voice: “Caroline!”
Caroline: “Mac!” [Caroline turns around. However, it is not Mac, but Guy.] “You! I thought it was Mac?”
Guy: “No, no, it’s definitly me. I wanted to see what I could have had if I had been more ginger. Sad isn’t it.”
Caroline: “Yeah, a bit.”
Guy: “Yeah. Where’s Mac?”
Caroline: “Well, he’s let me down again hasn’t he. Life’s just a game. Bastard.”
Guy: “Well, I’m sure he has reasons. He’s actually not a bastard. He’s erm…he’s a really good bloke.”
Caroline: [Long pause] “Yes.”
Guy: “What?”
Caroline: “Yes. Yes to what you were asking me earlier.”
Guy: “Really? You had a little snog and some touching with another girl at school?”
Caroline: “No, no, no. Yes to the getting married thing.”
Guy: “Oh, oh. Well, it’s hardly prepubescent lesbianism fumbling is it?
Caroline: “No, sorry.”
Guy: “That’s OK. Are you sure?”
Caroline: “Yeah. Well, I shared a bed with Marianne Selby when we were fifteen, and she rolled over and she erm…no I rolled over and touched her boob, but erm…she was in a pair of pyjamas so that really doesn’t count.”
Guy: “No, I meant the marriage thing.”
Caroline: “Oh, oh. Erm…well then, yes I’m sure. There’s always been something between us, we both know that.”
Guy: “Oh my God. Oh my God! Did you ever tell Mac?”
Caroline: “No, it’s very easy to lie when you know you're trusted implicitly, so easy and so very degrading.”
Guy: “No I meant the lesbian thing.”
Caroline: “Oh, no.”
Guy: “I love you Dr. Todd.”
[Caroline goes to kiss Guy, but he moves away.]
Caroline: “What? What?”
Guy: “Sorry, sorry. It’s…normally I do the lunging, so…”
Caroline: “Oh.” [Guy goes to kiss Caroline, but she moves away.] “Sorry.”
Guy: “See what I mean.”
Caroline: “Yeah, yeah.”
Guy: “Why don’t we…”
[Caroline and Guy turn back to back.]
Caroline: “Yeah, you go…”
[They turn around and kiss each other. The train master blows his whistle.]
Guy: “Oh yeah!”
Caroline: “Quick! Quick!”
Guy: “Yeah, I hope they have a buffet, I’m starving!”
[Caroline and Guy run for the train, into the distance.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Déjà vu]
Joanna: “They’ll be looking for this vehicle you know.”
Alan: “No they won’t, there are thousands of like this.”
Joanna: “Yeah, but not with the same number plate, being driven by a nurse with a moustache.”
Alan: “We’ve gone miles, nobody knows where we are.”
Joanna: “Least of all you.”
Alan: “Come on, let’s not sacrum to feeble-minded panic.”
[From the back of the camper van, Martin appears.]
Martin: “Are we nearly there yet?”
Joanna: “Martin!” [Alan drives off the road the main road and onto a small dirt road.] “What the f*ck are you doing here?”
Martin: “I stowed away. I saw you taking the van.”
Joanna: “It’s a mobile home.”
Alan: “Get rid of him! Come on, get rid of him!”
Martin: “I was worried about you.”
Joanna: “Well, you’ve been quiet about it.”
Martin: “Yeah well, I actually nodded off. The bed’s really comfy.
Alan: “We can’t have him in here; they’ll think we’ve kidnapped him.”
Joanna: “Listen, what do you suggest we do?”
Alan: “I don’t know! We’ll have to kill him!”
Martin: “Oh typical!”
Joanna: “Oh that’s right, the penalty for murder is much less for kidnapping isn’t it.”
Alan: “Yes, well, we’ve already killed one pixie.”
Martin: “What!?”
Joanna: [Sarcastically] “Nice work.”
Alan: “He tricked me into saying that!”
Joanna: “He didn’t!”
Alan: “He did! He said, “Typical,” and that’s a trick word.”
Joanna: “Oh for f*ck’s sake, get a grip!”
Alan: [Quoting King Lear] ““Blow wind and crack your cheeks, rain spout till you have drenched out steeples and drowned our cocks!””
Joanna: “Just give me the wheel!”
[Joanna reaches for the steering wheel but Alan resists.]
Alan: “No, I’m in charge!” [The van starts to swerve all over the road. They drive into a familiar fence. They drive into a familiar field.] “Oh my f*ck, there’s a field in the road! Get off me! [They swerve around in the familiar field. They drives towards some familiar sheep.] “Sheep!” [They dodge the familiar sheep, but end up teetering over the edge of a familiar cliff. The exact same cliff that Martin was teetering on before with Guy and Mac. The van lifts up, and then lowers back down again.]
Martin: “This is just weird.”
Joanna: “What!?”
Martin: “Déjà vu.”
Joanna: “We’re just going to have to sit and wait.”
Martin: “For what?”
Alan: “Cliff rescue.”
Martin: “What? Oh.”
[Later, Alan starts singing his alphabet song. The van starts to lift up, then lower.]
Alan: “A is for Anus, B is for Bumhole…”
Martin: “Oh no again.”
[Martin tries to go out via the side door but gives up.]
Alan: “…C is for c**t, D is for Dogs Dicks. E is for Ejaculate, and F is for f*ck. G is for Gonads…”