Episode Synopsis: Tangled Webs
The hihghlights:
Martin walks into the examination room. It is deserted. He asks for a chair. The judges say that most people don’t need one.
Que: Woman judge in turban presses “play” on the tape recorder.
Martin starts to dance, at first hesitantly, then finally he gets his groove on, ending with slide across the floor and jump. A pause.
“”When did you realise you were in the wrong exam room?”
“Erm quite early on. But then I thought I was in a dream I once had and that if I kept dancing, one of you would turn into Michaela Strachan and kiss me. This ever happen before?
“Oh it happens surprisingly often…” the male judge’s voice slows and Martin wakes up, hurriedly gets ready and dashes to work.
“They make your thighs look really tiny.”
“Well my sweet you are looking as glorious as ever.”
“Oh do shut up Alan, I’m queasy enough as it is…”
Joanna licks the doughnut…
“Do you know how long it is since I’ve eaten carbohydrate?”
Martin nervously shoves stuff in his locker and guy taunts him.
“…the Secretans have never been at home to self doubt so I have no idea what you’re feeling”
“Examinations. Exam in-a-t-i-o-n-s! Examinations that’s what you need . If you wanna fail the test, you wanna be depressed, whoah ho examinations that’s what you need, if you wanna be a record failure, yeeeah! Stop flirting with me…”
Caroline walks in. Slowly.
Mac: “Aha! If I’m not mistaken it’s the brave explorer returning from the great uncharted regions of drunkenness…”
Caroline: “No no, stop saying…words..”
|”Okay, we could try morse, but I don’t know any. That’s a very interesting new walk you’ve got there.”
“Invisible hangover hat.”
“You what now?”
“Hovering over my head is an invisible hangover hat. You can’t see it.”
“Because it’s invisible?”
“So if I straighten up I will be wearing the invisible hangover hat and then I will be very sick”
“Im assuming you’ve taken painkillers?”
”I want something stronger. I want the stuff you use…to kill people.”
“Nope, saving all that for Guy.”
“Why are you alrgiht? How can you be alright?”
“Because I am the chosen one.”
“No why why really,?”
“Because I didn’t drink any of Guy’s ethanol punch”
Caroline gags
“Okay, lets have a look at this hat of yours…”
“Wait no, what are you doing? Too much movement!”
“Okay, I’m swapping your hangover hat for my I knew when I had enough hat…now there we go.”
Caroline stand up slowly.
“Thank you. Again. Mac, look erm, about last night I just wanted to say, I just wanted to clear up…
Martin bustles past.
Caroline: “See you later loud people. Martin like your tail”
Martin rubs his bum, completely missing the fact that a tail has been pinned on his white coat.
Martin: “Wow, Caroline likes my arse.”
Mac: “Yeah,, yeah that will help...”
The office girls throw paper at Karen. She has the bin on her head, and then picks them up.
Harriet: “Oh no! I’m pregnant.”
Guy: “Do you know what I like about you…fuck all”
“You haven’t ever been near sperm!”
Karen: “Yes I have, I had some on my skirt once. On the tube. It was a pencil skirt too.”
Joanna (on finding out that she’s late) “Shit fuck bollocks!”
Angela: “Are you wearing my pants?”
Caroline: “What?”
“My very white tanga briefs, they’re plain cotton, not sexy’s but they’re my cute sportsies?”
“Nope I haven’t got them.”
“Ah because I think you have, erm I put them in the tumble dryer last night and they weren’t there in the morning when I came to iron them…”
“You iron your pants?”
“Of course.”
Angela: “But I want what is legally mine!”
Caroline: “Shut. up.”
“What?”
“I haven’t taken your pants I wouldn’t want to. stop being so anal.”
“Give me back my pants!”
Guy: “Oh yes, I have died and gone to heaven, females fighting over their pants, they’re going to rip each other’s clothes off!”
Boyce: “I’m getting a semi.”
“Semi? What’s wrong with you man, I’m like a flagpole!”
Guy: “Mac set them free, let them fight!”
Caroline: “Why not try asking your boyfriend? He looks the type to wear girls clothes…”
Joanna: “I’m late. I’m fucking late.”
Alan: “Well that’s your prerogative, you’re the boss.”
Alan: “Mimi’s more weightier than Charlotte…”
Alan: “…I can sing “baa baa black sheep” in Latin…”
Guy: “We said no book questions? What am I, a girl?”
Mac: “Yes you are but I’ll tell you anyway…”
Guy (to Caroline): “Love your cassolette”
Reception clerk: “I need a name?”
Joanna: “Big geeky nerdy twat face?”
Reception clerk: “Usually we’ve got to get up on the roof and shout “Pregnancy test results for the stupid lanky old bitch who’s not learned to take basic precautions in her 40-odd years on this planet…you know assuming that your friend IS quite lanky.”
Reception Clerk: “Don’t leave I think I love you…”
Mac:“We had an incident?”
Carolione: “Yeah, yeah sort of a li-li-lip on lip incident…accident possibly.”
“Oh that? Yeah yeah”
“Im sorry I’m sorry.”
“ …no, perfectly alright.”
“No you see it isn’t the thing is, I don’t really like you.”
“Well I was wondering why you had done it.”
“Well erm we were very close together and then I just lost my balance and fell forwards and then uh we ended up quite close together with our m-mouths open…it was an error.”
“No.”
“It was.”
“No, I mean …that’s not umm, , how we ended up together that’s not uhh. That wasn’t me…”
“Yes it was.”
“No, that was how you ended up kissing Guy.”
“I kissed Guy?”
“Yes. In the hall? We kissed in the loo.”
“No no that was Sue White.”
“Guy kissed Sue White?”
“No, no I kissed Sue White.”
“You kissed Sue White?”
“Possibly!…”
“Blimey. What and you kissed Sue White and you don’t remember us in the toilets?”
“No. But, but hang on you, first you say you don’t remember any kissing at all then now that umm you say there was kissing in the toilet! Which one is it?”
Guy: “Kissing in the toilet?”
Caroline: “Yes, Erm,…who…sang…kissing in the toilet in 1978?”
“Was it…?” Guy ponders this “…a young George Michael?”
“Yes.”
“Fucking hell! That was a guess! Kissin in the toilet. Don’t flush, it’s lush!”
Secretary: “Why is she getting death threats?”
Joanna: “Why isn’t it obvious?”
“No “
“Well I couldn’t think of a single reason why anyone wouldn’t want to kill her.”
Alan to stomach: “You shall have a little fishy on a dishy…”
Martin: “Oh come on Mum!”
Joanna: “Don’t you ever say that word. Nothing will ensure you are more quickly turfed out of this hospital than saying that word.”
Sue White: “Just umm…tugging the squirrel…”
Caroline: “Did I tell you I’m never ever going to drink again?”
Angela: “What did you do before alcohol became the centre of your universe?”
Silence. Then,
“Homework.”
Guy: “All you’ve got to do is think of the bones and the phrase will come back…”
Guy: “That’s how I remembered your name.”
Mac: “Yeah?”
“Massively Annoying Chap”
“Massively Annoying Chap?”
Yeah, MAC. I was going to say “massively annoying…”
Caroline: “Am I a slut?”
Mac: “Yes.”
“Oh God.”
“No it’s fine it’s absolutely fine.”
“How can it be fine?”
“Because you were a pissed slut.”
“Ahhh…thanks!”
There is no dialogue for this…but Sue White catches a fly and then roasts it in the fly trap thingy.
“Adios!”
Alan: “Gamma rays which produce produce…I’m going to have a baby…
Alan: “…who is the daddy…I think you’ll find I am…”
Guy: “You’ll be sitting in the exam room trying to think of the proper word for…’leg’…”
Guy: “Don’t fold your mascot! That’s really bad luck.”
Mac: “I think wearing suits displays a certain lack of imagination.”
Caroline: “Are you sure you want to go in there with your hair like that?”
Mac: “My hair does it look okay?”
Sue: “Yeah! A lion’s mane has never looked so free!”
Sue: “I want you to know, I don’t let the squirrel out for just anyone…”
Sue: “…just try not to turn side on…”
Boyce: “Question: would it be okay to xray my penis, I think I may have dislocated it.”
Alan: “Get out.”
“No really.”
“Get out.”
Caroline: “Mac!”
Mac: “What?”
“Your hair you look like a girls world doll.”
“ No, I don’t know what you’re talking about, this is regulation.”
“Where, at St Augustines girls’ school?”
“No no here ,here just been introduced, did you not get the..?”
“No.”
“How was the interview?”
“Oh sure, I think I might have used the words job stick up and arse all in one “sentence…do you think that’s a bad thing?”
“Well I uh, I think tone of voice is important?”
“Is it? Damn. Shit. If you’ll excuse me I have some patients to see.”
“Yeah.”
Alan: “What’s this? In the bar in the middle of the day?”
Joanna: “Yeah, celebrating!”
Alan: “Harriet is having my baby?”
Joanna: “Oh please, she’s upset enough as it is, that news might really tip her over the edge.”
Joanna: “Get your dumped mitts off my tits!”
Caroline: “So now that I might remember the kiss that did or did not take place between us, but say that it did as you did…what was it like? I don’t want you to hold back, just tell me what it was like.”
Mac: “It was…average…”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, I remember we were both standing on the scales and you were looking down a lot saying “Oh my God! I think I’ve put on 12 stone!” which was a bit off-putting…”
“That kiss, how did it happen? for God’s sake?”
“The kiss, the kiss, ah yes, I remember you had your head over the loo like this and then you came up like this and then you turned round and I was there. I was…on the floor next to you, stroking your hair,,,a time honoured means of preventing sickness obviously. I remember you had your hand on...my cheek, like this,,,, and then I…”
“And then I looked into your eyes.”
“Yeah and then I looked into your eyes…there was a lot of looking going on…”
“Yes. And then I kissed you…clearly not on purpose.”
“Clearly.”
“And then you kissed me back.”
“And then I kissed you back …equally accidentally.”
“And then…”
“And then… And then …I left..”
Alan: “You may leave…”
Karen: “I’m very sorry…”
Alan: “No don’t be nice!!!”
Secretary: “Perhaps you should call it a day”
Harriet: “Aday, is that for a boy or a girl?”
Guy: “Imagine. That baby’s got a kick in it like a fat girl in heels.”
Mac: “Obviously I would aim for the brain which in your case would be here. Womankind will applaud me.”
Guy: “No they wouldn’t, they’ hunt you down and kill you with hoovers.”
Alan: “Sod off you jezebel whores! On with your slitty slutty slitty slutty slots!”
Guy: “What is this some sort of ginger dwarf alliance??”
Guy: “I’m blowing his brains out when I find them…”
Alan: “And you haven’t even got a cock!!”
:lol:
Thank you so much!
How I love Mac. Sigh.
Could anybody find/post the whole dialogue from when Stathom gets onto the milk truck? i love it and it is hard to explain to my house mate who missed the episode. this part is my favourite scene of the whole series. all i can remember when i try to replicate it is "slutty slutty slitty sluts". o dear im laughing now just writing about it.
thanks
dan
p.s i made my housemate watch the first episode as a pilot for him because of it being shown every night for 2 weeks. he loved it and was really upset that he had to go out monday night because he didnt want to miss an episode! his funniest moment was Stathom dancing out of the wardrobe in his pants! :cloud
Here you go, the best I could do. The only bits I'm unsure about are the bits marked with a (?).
*Ahem*
"Sod off, ya, ya Jezebel whores!
Go on, ya slutty tarts!
Go on, with your slitty slutty slitty slutty slots!
Go on, sod off, ya, you're all the bloody same!
There's a dirty Jezebel, right, you two dirty whore-bitches!
Right, I can see you, you dirty sluts!
C'mere! Go on! Get ye, get ye, get ye gone!
Go on! Get ye gone! Get ye gone to a nunnery!
You slutty tarts, go on!
You're all the same, with your, with your filthy bras, and your pants, and your, your peepholes.
Slutty panties, and your, and you haven't even got a cock!
You haven't even got a cock!
I, f'koff, ya filthy, ya whores!
Ya dirty-OW!
Bloody bump, bastards!
Bloody bump!"
yes thats great, thanks very much
"wake up..or the kitty get it" (guy)
"a replica cat.... no a relica gun" (caroline and guy)
"ohh fuk....i think i've killed a doctor" (mac)
they all had me in stitches!!
y would he have a replica cat?? lol