One of my personal favourites:

You weren't expecting that, were you? Thousands of flies!

from this week:
"Respond....
Respond....
Respond...."

and last

"dont talk to them boyce, they've probably got Clymidia!"

"Things do not just... disappear."

Then he turned round...

knob.
knob.
hehe
knob.

ba-ba-ba-ba-bra-bra-bra
hehehe, panties.

Oh that was so funny! Just him thinking, "Ooh, I'm being naughty!"

omg, and another is in episode 3, when lydon is fixing his computer and he says
'no probs, big boy'

omg, i screamed.

:wub: one of my fave from this series so far from the nutty man :wub: ;
WELL f*ck OFF THEN!!!!!!!
Bloody hilarious!!
Jen
x :heart x :heart x

"A daddy long legs, is not a father!"

:D

Alan’s alphabet song

Alan: [Sings] "A is for Appendectomy, B is for Barium, C is for Cystitis, Defibrillate’s for D." [Speaks] "That’s how it goes." [Sings] "E is for Echocardiography." [Speaks] "Yes quite complex isn’t it. F’s a Fucking director! G is for Gobshite, and, and, and, He’s a Bastard is for H, bloody pissed off! J is for Jugglery Jugs, and K is for Kicking Arse and Lady Lips is L, and M…M…N…N…is…O! Penis is for P! Q is for Queer, I’m not queer. R is for Rectum, S is for Shits and Slits, and Tiny Tits is T, and U is a bastard, and V is for Vagina, and…X…and…W is for w**k, and Y-Fronts is for Y, X-ray is for Z!" [People start to make him leave.] "Don’t push me! E is for Arsehole! B is a bastard!" [He is thrown out.] "Oh cock off!"

Not put in all the muttering, but...

A is for Appendectomy,
B is for Barium.
C is for Cystitis,
Defibrilate's for D, that's how it goes.
E is for Ecocardiography, that's quite complex isn't it?
F's for F**king director...
G is for Gobs**te, and,
He is a b*****d! Is H, and,
I is bloody p**sed off!
J is for Jiggly Jugs, and,
K is for Kicking a**e, and
Lady Lips is L.
M, M, Mmmmmmmmmmmm,
N, N is Nnnnnnnn,
Oh, O!
PENIS! Is for P,
Q is for Queer, no I'm not queer, not me, no.
R is for Rectum, and
S is for S**ts and Slits,
Tiny Tits is T, and,
U is a b*****d!
V is for Vagina, and uh, V, X,
W is for W**ky-W**k! And,
Y-fronts is for Y, and
X-Ray is for, and,
Z, and, no, don't push me, no,
A is an A**ehole,
B is a B*****d,
C is, is for, oh C**koff!

EDIT: Oops, didn't see that there.

"Carrier pigeon," a poem by Alan

Alan: ""Carrier pigeon. Carrier pigeon. Carrier of disease. Oh gnarled claws, hobbling. Disease, eating away at your very being. Look out! A car! I can’t fly because my wing has been damaged. Beep. Beep. Beeeeee…"" [Alan beeps like a heart monitor after the heart stops beating. He moves his fingers as he continues. He pushes his spectacles half-way through and continues.] ""…eeeeeeeep.""

"No, no, you said come in disguise, see here? I have it noted down."

when he's in Sue Whites office....
Dr Stathem"If i had a photo of you looking rather shocked holding a bucket of water i could say ..."Sue whiter shade of pale!"

hehe

Not so much a direct quote, but just the way he mutters when Sue sets up her little wall of fire.

Joanna: This wouldn’t have happened if didn’t go around everyone with your boring caption competition.
Alan: 100% remember. 100%
Joanna: 100% of shit.
Alan: 50% each in the shit, if you don’t mind.
Joanna: 100% I think, you did the beating.

my sexy darling

Thank you for posting Alan's song...sheer genius!!...

"U, is a Bastard!"...I was crying...


But last weeks episode...

After having the midget jump out screaming, then beating him to death with a stuffed bird...

Joanna coming in "Oh No, Alan what have you done?"


Alan: "Dont worry....He's not REAL!!"...

LMBFFAO!!!...

And especially when he's arm was on fire and he jumped in the "Water Pregnency"

"Ooh, dont worry...Im not your baby!!"...hahahahahah!!

And when he told the politician..."Well you can F uck off then!!"....


Alan has my vote as mayor of Hackney!!

alan: what is this?
boyce: a pointer

:L technically i laughed cos of boyce but boyce and alans exchanges are soooo funny!!!!

There relationship is one of the best that's ever been on television!!...


Boyce is an absolute king among men!!...

"Your a clever man..."..."No, Noo, Your a clever man"...

Alan: "Yooou..You..Crazy Bitch"

"Well then perhaps if you didn't go out having children all colours of the rainbow you wouldn't need this, this this, thing that you are uh, the thing"

My mouth just dropped open at this point, I knew he was bigoted, but oh. my. god :) hehe

His various Coffee Enema noises.

thought his whole
"he can't be your cousin... h h h he's green!"
was hilarious, only he could pull it off!
That was one of my favourite scenes in the history of tv & film

and in series one ep 5
"we can't go in there my sexy darling.. we we're not allowed"
the way he said allowed cracks me up!

:dribble

"I'll look after you, I love you"

Aww :) that was actually quite sweet.

"poowitches" lol

Hi
My absolute fave ever Alan quote has to be when Boyce comes into his office and he's playing his recorder
[Boyce picks up recorder and moves it towards his mouth]
"not my soprenino"
[Boyce plays recorder]
"urgh, man spittle!"
Classic!
:notworthy of Statham!

when he said to joanna "is that you my sexy darling? i can smell your lady wetness", that was absolutley hilarious. he really does have some moments of pure genius!! :wiggle

And hopefully they'll all die of poo!!

and my namesake...

Poo! on a plate!

Statham should say poo more often

Joanna: Which Doctor?
Alan: Ooh Gaga, Ooh Gaga! (Joanna and Lyndon look at him) Witch Doctor.

and a few moments later:

Alan: No, no, not 'cool' because a fish would probably eat you!

...Back from the grave to wreak your dwarfish vengence on me

smell my ping pong...pong

:notworthy

Don't worry, I'm not your baby!

his poem carrier pigeon is defo my fav!! :notworthy

Just thinking about carrier pigeon makes me laugh.

carrier.... of disease!

"I can't quite fly my wing is broken!"

or the clip when he is on the phone to Joanna pretending he is having sex with poor caroline and she and 2 other guys are sitting in the room with Joanna. i showed my bro that clip and he was on the floor laughing

(Mobile home breaks through fence) "Oh my f**ksie, there's a field in the road!"

I feel sorry for the farmer, having to fix that fence twice. I can see him standing there, head in hands "Not a-bloody-gain" :D

:lol: I love that quote!

You'll crap your pants then everyone will smell your fear.

:roflmao

i didnt hear that the first time i saw it- cos i was writing a horrible essay and could only half pay attention!! i laughed so much when i did watch it properly!! was very funny!

Alan possibly has the best quotes of series two. GO PING PONG MAN!

(WOO! 200 posts!)

"W…bloody…that’s it! That’s it! Oh yes, put yourself in there Alan why don’t you." [Alan reverses, and then drives forward towards the space. He notices how little room he has.]
"Bloody Metro! Get out the way!" [He drives into the space, and hits the skip.] "Oh, careful."
[He backs out, and drives forward again. He cannot get in. He pushes the skip forward a bit as he tries. He backs out, drives forward, pushes the other car, and drives into the space, crushing his left-side mirror.] "It’s just a mirror, just a mirror. All in vanity."
"Try again. Back, back." [Alan reverses out and tries again, this time backwards. As he does, he crushes his right-side mirror on the skip, and scratches the other car down its left-hand side.] "Come on! Get in there!" [He stops the car.] "Right, time for work." [He tries to open the door, but there is not enough room. He opens the door opposite but there is not enough room again. He climbs into the back of the car, and gets out via the boot. He shuts the boot, walks on top of another car, and leaves.]

love that scene ..he doesnt give up

Get out of the mobile phone!

[Boyce plays a joke on the now Christian Alan.]
Boyce: "I’m Jewish."
Alan: "No way are you Jewish."
Boyce: "No, I am Jewish. I’m a practising Jew, a Hebrew, a Son of David."
Alan: "OK, prove it. Lend me some money."
Boyce:"No"