GUY : Right. Tea. (attempts to eat the tea, then spits it out) Tea is horrible.
what a fukin dipshit lol

GUY : Martin's having a w**k in the cupboard.
GUY : They won't piss in your yogurt, Martin. Much easier to hide little bits of shit and glue the top back on

GUY: Go on Martin, have a w**k in the cupboard, I won't tell anyone. Go on have a hand shandy.

ahh hand shandy, cracks me up.

"And you know what you should do with an irritation? Rub cream on it" ;)

(In his bad accent) "Does it say no smoking? Which way to the dole office? Do you know I'm unemployed and I have a mullet?"

:) makes me laugh every time, oh and:

(same bad accent, on the phone blagging) "Oh hello, hello Frank. No no, it's Geoff. Yeah, no I'm an old school friend of Suzie's. I know she did but I moved down when I was... twelve from... Derbyshire. Oh do they? Which port, which port, which bit? Oh I know I don't because I've got a cold at the moment and I'm a bit... sad. About... well about my... hedgerows"

Sorry it's so long, but the whole thing cracks me up, and of course the bit about the Vale of Pewter. Why does he carry on with the craziness? :)

Some of them are just classic ...

Guy: "It's the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla! What are you, the 8th dwarf, 'Twatty'? You know, even if you were from the future, you'd still be wrong. Actually ... you know what I like about the outfit? f*ck-all."

***

Guy: "I'm Butch Cassidy. That's *Butch*. And you're the sundance kid. "Ooh, look at me, I'm dancing in the sun like a big kid".

***

And, of course ...

"Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich"

Hee Hee - Love Guy!!

Guy: [to Sue White] Do you know what I like about you?
[pause]
Guy: f*ck all.
[leaves]

:roflmao

Aww... bless him in this scene...

Guy: [shouts] f*ck you! You ugly bitch... Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?

Hee Hee - LOVE Green Wing!!!

:notworthy

This has to be one of the greatest,

ANGELA : Out of interest - what does 'long term' mean to you?
GUY : It's an airport car park.
ANGELA : Monogamy?
GUY : Nice dark sort of wood, sideboards.
ANGELA : What is the 'C' word?
GUY : Unt. Well - did I pass?
ANGELA : Spectacularly.

guy: she looks like a scrotum in a hat

guy: ow! bloody ow! you have the weirdest foreplay of any women i have ever meet

guy: that should not have been erotic

hehe cnt help but love him

GUY: Am I in a crouching postion? Am I displaying a cleft mitten? Then how the fucking hell is it an Emmenthal Loop?!

LMAO
Too many to chose from
So i pick them ALLLLL
Guy Secreten is one of THE best characters ever invented EVER
xxxx

GUY: Is it possible to get a verrucca on your penis? Only, my friend fell knob first into the footbaths at the pool.

Caroline: "F**k, you weren't bluffing"
Guy: "Nope, I never do... or do I?"

:)

I love that one! And plus, it comes before the best kiss I've ever seen on TV... :P

guy: now that angelas been sold into porn slavery in sunny toronto
caroline: has she?
guy: well you know who cares

:lol: such a typical guy line!!!!!

When Guy's teaching Guyball to the children for his community service, and they've been 'splicing the matterhorn' and insulting each other, he looks over to the other man and goes, "Twat." The look on both men's faces made me laugh so much!


Also...
When he says he's there for community service,

Child: What did you do?
Guy: Your mum, and then I ate her.

"A full house?"
"That's right; an entirely replete fixed abode."

"Do you want to paint me? (pause) Haven't got enough paint."

"Mungo? Is that Mungo? Muungooo!! (to Mac & Caroline) It's Mungo. (back into phone) Alright, you jizzfountain?!"

"Get Brian. Get Brian. Get Brian. Get Brian. Get Brian. Get Brian. Get Brian. No, get Brian. Get Brian. Get Brian. Get Brian. (To Caroline) She's gone to get Brian."

"Guy, I need to ask you something."
"No Caroline, we can't! Not here, people are watching! And besides, it's unhygenic."

"I don't know a woman who doesn't look better with my balls resting on her chin."

"You're not a real man till you've got blood on your sword."
"Urgh."
(Guy puts ketchup on his chip. "URGH!"

"What's this? Some sort of ginger-dwarf alliance? I'm blowing his brains out as soon as I find them"

Oh, there's too many!! I'll add more later.

That one's great!

*in his attempted accent*
yeah, i just push stuff arrrrrrrrrrrroun'


you know what i like about you?
f*ck all.

love dis quote!!!

Guy: I know, im just playing your game!! Its such an easy game to play. Oooh look at me im MAD and im SCOTCH!!!!! :lol: love dat line!!!

I love it when he's trying to be a thug.

"I just push stuff arrrrrrrrrrroun'"

guy as a thug is hilarious!!!!

a port - er!!! keep up!! oh sod it!! (throw bucket of paint on wall!)

:P genious who created guy secretan, i.e. creator of green wing victoria something thank you very much!!!! i get hours of entertainment!!

i love this line!!!

guy: i was thinking of marrying her one day ( :wub: such a sweet thing to say bout caroline! cos he in the previous episode seemed repulsed by the idea of dating her!)

ANY of Guys scenes with Sue - they ALWAYS (without fail) have me in stitches - hiding ing the coats, "do you want to f**k me now?" etcetera. And then of course that last scene in episode five *squee*

:notworthy

lol yeah, and all the stupid stuff he does, like only giving mac 8, not 10.... and that bit after holly came back when he was like "are you afraid that mac is hugging her, and kissing her, and loving her..." and then it gets ruder... lol but it just makes me laugh lol...

and the bit where he goes "ta daaa!" with the patient with their arms made me laf lol

caroline: i cant face him
guy: i know - he is really ugly (r.e. mac)

i cracked up laughing!! guy and sue are the best characters ever!!!!!

I love most things he says! He's comic genius! :wub:

"Please dont go"

In one of the deleted scenes (I think) when Guy is on his countryside date with Caroline, he recites a poem he's written. I love it, so I have it here for you! :D

"Some grass. A tree.
You and me.
Hark! The bark!
The sun sinks behind the hill
Like a molten, quivering pill
Sends a spurt of love and thrill...
I am Jacques and you are Jill."

i love it when he says to Jake
"oi! walking spaghetti!"

and in theatre
"You've got a ginger child...
That blurted out of your peanus!
following the river of sperm downstream
is it cream"

"break it down now
Mcenzie is going to get a finger
cos his daddys 'a' freeky ginger
break it down now haha

and with the crown "I say"Guy Secretan you are a king, you are a leader, you are the greatest human being that ever walked this planet."

and also i love the bit where he tries to break the spoon in front of Caroline

guy: hello, shes not available at the moment
caroline: who is it? is it him?
guy: no, yeah, just a sec. its tricia from the petting zoo, she can get a pig for 50 quid, she wants it straight back after the photos, and shes not happy about it being in a lift.
(caroline takes phone)
caroline: will you stop pestering me, bad newsence caller! (hangs up) god some of these people

anyone know what guy + mac say when they callin each otha a bastered

guy: does it bother you your sons a bastard
mac: does it bother you that UR a bastard?

heehee guy rele was nasty in dat scene!!!

"Ha ha, sleepy potion. You funny, scrawny, pastey little man"

He says this to Mac in ep 7, series 2.

I loved this one - had me in stitches.

Guy: "Can you get a verruca on your penis?"
Caroline: "I can’t, can you?"
Mac: "Never tried, pretty good at most parlour games though."
Guy: "A friend of mine fell knob first into the footbath at a swimming pool, he was wondering, that’s all. I’m not interrupting anything am I?"
[Caroline leaves]
Mac: "Just the evolution of mankind."
Guy: "I did get a big boil on my nut sack once though, thought I had three testicles."

I adore that scene, utter brilliance.

"You don’t seem to get shat on by the clergy do you?"


"Good god what extraordinary earlobes you’ve got."


from the commentary:

He’s definitely a guy who shouts out his own name when he comes.

he's like batmans slightly weird uncle

Guy: "I can draw an accurate diagram of her labia with a Spirograph."

Guy: "Wake up, or the kitty gets it." [Pause, then he talks to the kitten.] "You said it would work."
[Sue, wearing a white veil and carrying a bouquet of pink roses enters.]
Sue: "Oh, sorry. I thought Dr. Macartney was on his own, I’ll pop back later."
[Sue leaves. Later, Caroline confronts him, whilst he is lying on a desk.]
Caroline: "Guy, did you take a cat and a gun into Mac’s ward?"
Guy: "It was a replica."
Caroline: [Gasps] "You brought in a replica cat?"
Guy: "A replica gun."
Caroline: "You're trying to get fully reinstated, how stupid can you be?"
Guy: "Not stupid enough to ask whether or not someone has brought in a replica cat." [Guy falls of the desk he is lying on.] "Ow!"
Caroline: "Well I hope you’re happy with yourself, because they’ve banned you from seeing Mac."
Guy: "Ban-ned? They can’t ban me."
Caroline: "Well they just have. You will not be allow-ed into the room. If you do, you’ll be suspend-ed."
Guy: "Oh, well I’d like to see them try and stop me."
Caroline: "Don’t push it Guy." [Caroline leaves]
Guy: "Oh right, like I’m going to do what a girl says." [Guy pushes a trolley of medical equipment over.]
Female Nurse: "Pick those up, now!"
Guy: "Yeah, sorry."

defenitly the besy quote/s from the that episode

That scene is hilarious. I love the replica cat bit.


I love children. I’m not a paedophile obviously; I just think they’re great.


Ooh! Oh no! It’s been right up my anus.

He’s gay and I’ve got proof

I can see my ginger pubes collecting in the cracks.


He kisses like a newt…I’m told.

[Guy sees Joanna walking towards him.]
Guy: "Oh God. All right, just calm down. You didn’t know she was your mother, you didn’t mean to have sex with her, it’s not your fault. Just act normal."
Joanna: "Dr. Secretan, good morning."
Guy: "Good mummy. Oh Jesus!"

....................
Guy: "I'd admit to an outsider that it probably doesn’t look great."
Charles: "How do you think it looks to an insider?"
Guy: "Probably not great."
Charles: "One of our anaesthetists steals an ambulance, containing one of our top surgeons and a junior doctor, and drives it over a cliff."
Guy: "Top surgeon? What about top anaesthetist?"
Joanna: "What about top arsehole?"
Sue: "What about Topshop? What about Top Gun? What about Top Cat?"
Charles: "Susan. Ssssh."
Guy: "I was mentally distressed. Err…something of a shock."
Joanna: "Can we not go into details."
Charles: "Yes, I think we’re all aware of the circumstances."
Guy: "On a brighter note…"
Sue: "You are dead after all?"
Guy: "No. On a brighter note, it looks like I shall be getting back my Noel Coward style dressing gown. Which I wore, when…"
Charles: "Yes, well I’m sure we’re all very relieved. Isn’t there something else you’d like to say?"
Guy: "Err…I don’t think so?"
Sue: "What’s the magic word?"
Guy: "Abracadabra?"
Charles: "How do you normally express your gratitude to somebody?"
Guy: "You want a tip? Is that ethical?"
Charles: "Verbally."
Guy: "Yeah, well…" [He coughs. He tries to speak but he can’t. Eventually he does.]thank you."
Charles: "For?"
Guy: "For having me, and also for smoothing things over with the GMC, and thank you for letting me go back to work, and thank you for… da music, the songs I singing, thanks for all da joy they’re bringing."

''She said no, BOO YAH''




''MARTINS HAVING A w**k IN THE CUPOBOARD''




''love is waking up in the middle of the night.... thats as far as I've got''




''he kisses like a newt... so ive been told''

Guy: "Yeah, I walked all over them. They begged for my forgiveness."
Martin: "No! What, you’ve got your driving licence back?"
Guy: "Yes, that’s right Fartin, they overturned the court's decision. And they made fox hunting compulsory for the under fives and they banned water."
Martin: "Water! Not drinking water?"
Guy: "Yeah, drinking water rain man, yes, yes, and drizzle. So, who’s for a celebration game of Guyball?"
Boyce: [Looking at his watch] "Yeah, I’ve got to go. Got to top up on water."