Thought it might be nice to have a small RND fic. Its a bit mad so may make no sense, and might not get all posted tonight. Please dont hurt me on either account!!! xxx



“I’m here to see Mac please” said Caroline to the nurse a little unnecessarily, considering the ‘We love Mac’ toddler sized card, three ‘Your 50’ balloons (they’d run out of ‘get well soon’ in the hospital shop) and basket piled high with grapes that she was barely visible behind.

“Back of the queue” replied the nurse distractedly, busy conducting a game of noughts and crosses on the back of her hand with her imaginary friend Derek. Derek was kicking her ass as well. Bastard. He’d get what was coming to him...

“Queue? What…” Caroline peered round the corner to see an endless line of people stretching down the corridor, out a side door of the hospital and all the way round the ornamental wishing well. She noticed the first few visitors had brought sleeping bags.

“Great…I’m only his bloody girlfriend” grumbled Caroline to herself.

“Girlfriend are you? Ha! Could have been more imaginative with the gift then. Got enough grapes to sink Ireland here. He’s in a COMA, what possible help could a truckload of fruit be to him? You gonna vitamin him awake?”

Caroline stared at the nurse and pointed a shaking finger in her face, who raised one pencilled-in eyebrow and gestured to the ‘Be polite to staff, or get the hell out this hospital and back to your alternative therapist’ sign propped up by the computer screen. Caroline grimaced.

“Well…thanks. For all your help. You’ve been very, umm, direct.”

Feeling pissed-off, she stormed off in the direction of the wishing well, passing Macs colleagues and friends, relatives and people he’d once bought a drink in a pub, hordes of ex-girlfriends, ex-patients, roadies, hippies and a single Buddhist monk who looked rather confused. Trying to be helpful, Caroline patted him on the arm and he peered up at her blearily.

“Umm hi, have you got the wrong ward? What are you doing here?”

The monk gazed at her for a long, unfocused moment and shook his head sadly. “What are any of us doing here child? Searching for our inner beauty, wilting like the rose planted in desert sands, like the goat, pillaged from the oesophagus of…”

“I’m not looking for inner beauty, I was just wondering if you were alright. You look a bit confused.”

“Confused? Yes I am confused. I have been pondering the mysteries and complexities of nirvana for 70 odd years. And what have I worked out? That I don’t know what the bejeezus is going on. Now my face is sort of stuck like this. Permanently perplexed, like the wren said, when he bespoke upon the sunken faces of the three giant boulders playing an eternal game of backgammon…”

Caroline backed away slowly, her capabilities as a doctor only stretched so far. Reaching the ornamental garden, she stepped into it reluctantly. Frankly, it was a sinister place, full of cheap plasticky obese gnomes in contorted positions, all leering at her unpleasantly and slightly perversely. She especially detested that smug-looking one with the cigar, puffing away with one hand and doing something suspicious near his crotch with the other. Seeing that there were children waiting in the queue, she quickly picked up the offending ornament and tossed it down the well in one smooth movement. There was a satisfying smashing sound as it reached the bottom. Hundreds of painted eyes glared at her accusingly.

“Let that be a lesson to all of you” she warned.

Ha fantastic!! I wish Green Wing would do a RND sketch like this (although obviously preferably with Mac not in a coma) but Caroline is so like Caroline - love it :)

:roflmao

Love it!

Although.... Hollie! I thought this was for the othe rthing>!!??!

woooo this is great :D

haha i love it that's great can't wit for more :)

nein, changed it...no panics! :P

:lol:
haha great!!! :D

Much thanks lovely people. 'Nother bit before tea time...


Four hours later Caroline finally reached the front of the queue, and picked at the unappetizing fruit half-heartedly, wishing she’d brought a sandwich along or some sort of chocolate- based snack. Never mind, not long and she’d see Mac, which was the important thing right? Never mind that she’d been physically and verbally abused along the way, and nearly molested by the tall figure behind her, dressed in an outlandish clown costume, who’s hand she’d been slapping away from her arse for the best part of two hours now.

As she felt fingertips lightly brush her jean pockets, then going in for the full-squeeze once more Caroline screwed her eyes shut and counted to five before spinning round suddenly and grabbing Guy by the neck, who had removed his squidgy red nose and comedy sunglasses in order to get a better view of her shapely behind.

“Guy! It was you all along? Why the hell didn’t you say something?”

“I thought you were enjoying it”

“And you got that idea from where exactly? The violent slapping? The not-so-subtle swearing?”

“Some women like it rough”

Caroline was just about to knock him out with a nearby fire extinguisher, when her number was called, she made a move towards the doorway but turned back to Guy and employed the trusty pointing finger-of-anger once more.

“This isn’t over Secretan”

Guy adjusted his green wig slightly. “Actually it’s Spanky now. Spanky the Swiss Clown.”

haha spanky the swiss clown love it

:roflmao Spanky the Swiss clown!

Going out so might post the last bit tomorrow or later tonight



Cautiously entering the room, Caroline was astounded to hear the sound of birdsong filling her ears. The room was liberally sprinkled with merrily burning candles and songbirds perched on every available surface, tweeting their little hearts out. The bed itself was adorned with a festival of ribbons and flowers, topped with a wreath of holly and ivy placed upon Macs golden head. Five women, dressed in flowing white robes were drifting about, tending to the patient. One mopped his brow, another carefully applied a second coat of ‘Plum jam’ nail colour to his fingertips, a third prayed at his feet for a miracle. The remaining two handmaidens stood guard by the door, eyeing Caroline suspiciously.

“Name?”

“I’m Dr. Caroline Todd, err who are you? And…aren’t those candles a fire risk?”

“Right, you may proceed around the patient in a clockwise direction following the designated route only” The woman pointed out a yellow line running round the hospital bed. “No touching, sniffing or sobbing within a one metre diameter of the patient, he doesn’t need to be distressed unnecessarily”

“He’s in a coma! How on earth is he going to become distressed? Might an eyelid twitch?! This is ridiculous” Caroline stared at them in disbelief.

The nurses turned on her quickly, hostility emanating from every pore. “THEN, Doctor Todd, you will deposit your gift in the Hamper of Healing and leave, without any fuss or complaint. Is that clear?”

Caroline was now struggling to control mixed feelings of shock, humour and, increasingly, fury. “But, you don’t understand. I’m his GIRLFRIEND!”

In seconds, she found herself pinned to the wall in a deceptively tight grip, delicate little nurse-hands tightening round her throat. Luckily (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) it was this moment that Spanky the Clown chose to make his grand entrance. On a unicycle

“Beep, beep, clown on a mission coming through, make way, stand aside. Well f*ck me, its like A Midsummer Nights Dream in here, and…Caroline? Why…hang on, are you having a fight? A real one?” Guy’s eyes lit up.

Between strangled breaths Caroline answered. “Guy...get this…crazy bitch…off me!”

He looked disappointed. “Can’t I just watch? You’re doing so well”

“GUY!”

With some reluctance Guy dismounted his unicycle, squeaked up to the struggling females and squirted water in the face of Caroline’s assailant from a plastic daisy pinned to the front of his suit.

“My hair! You ruined my hair!”

While the nurse desperately tried to rearrange her expensive salon hairdo, Guy took the opportunity to hoist her over his shoulder and dump her unceremoniously outside. Shutting the door he looked back at Caroline, who was touching her neck gingerly.
“Now will someone tell me what the hell is going on here?”

“They won’t let me see Mac! It’s like some sort of cult…Guy why are you dressed as a clown?”

“Didn’t Mac tell you? He’s always been terrified of clowns – the big old floozy. Thought I’d try and scare him awake”

Flying through the air with deadly accuracy, a grape hit Caroline in the eye. “Ouch! Who did that?”

All the nurses/ MacCultney members attempted to look innocent and angelic.

“Right” said Caroline decisively, picking a grape at random and launching it at the nearest nurse. *Splat* the grape slid slowly down the victims forehead and the room fell momentarily silent. Then mayhem ensued.

:lol: :lol: Oh love teh madness!!!


And i dont like i hat eclowns but spanky can give em a spanking any night of the week!! :wub:

:roflmao

:lol:
ahh brilliant!

Ohhh errr very sureal. I love the MacCultney bit and the Buddist Monk, who I think should be introduced to Statham ASAP :lol:

heehee this is fabby.

*sigh* You do make me giggle, Hollie :D


You make me worry too though :lol:

Ha ha thanks guys...umm ill go and see a psychiatrist i promise! Am struggling with the ending - never been too clever at song-writing!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

just when i think you cannot get any more insane...

this is just GENIUS!!!

i think i may need to make icons...

spanky the clown... hee hee :D

oh PLEASE do icons! Cookies in the waiting!

give me till tomorrow. i'm a bit busy ATM seducing tinks.

:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy This is so insanely, surreally hysterical! I love these images you've cretaed in my head. I can just picture them and the fact you've managing to still write for the characters as they are in the series is talent in the extreme. I hope there'll be more of this soon. What will happen when Mac wakes up? Because he will, won't he? Yes, he will.

Oh tits i forgot about this, thanks simba! later this week i hopes we shall find out