This is an itsy bitsy ficlet devoted to a song by a band I love… the SHINS. This isn’t my favourite song of theirs probably, but the title and lyrics were so perfect, and I thought I couldn’t ignore it. SO! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttg_t6bNPOk is the song, and the lyrics are sooo lovely look at them :)
so on to ficcing: nothing particularly new or different but little tiny scenes. inspiration: the feeling during the lake scene. more tomoroow i expect

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Prologue
I’m through with riddles
I know we’re little
Just make me feel warm inside

What bothered Doctor Macartney most was being so small. Not compared to other people, he was quite tall actually, just in general. Finding our your own mortality is meant to connect you with God or nature or your fellow humans or some such shit, Mac knew- so why did he feel so incredibly alone? He felt like every connection with the rest of the world had been cut, and he was numb to everyone, alone in his head with his tumour. Even thinking about the fact that he was one in two billion people, in 9 planets in a billion solar systems in a trillion galaxies in a never-ending emptiness of a universe made him feel like dying sooner than later, to succumb to the blackness and accept that all those things that tie us down to ordinary life- our loves and lives and bits of paper- mean nothing when faced with an absolute ending.

Oh yeah first rev! I heart this fic already. Hope it is as good as ur last one. And this will become orange soon I am sure of it!

gah next bit, can't come on til sat so...

gets more plotty after this

song:(wil post it everytime cos its so lvly) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttg_t6bNPOk

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We could have been so good natured
if I’d relented when you insisted
But we’ve been backed up against
all nature’s walls far too long
They could have worked so well, if he’d insisted instead of backing down. If he had taken her in a million different ways in a million different places, failed to miss a million and one different opportunities. He could have seen through Holly rather than be blinded by his traces of attraction for her. He could have not followed Guy, that night. He could have not made such an idiot of himself in trying to propose. He could have turned up at that dang bastard mistake of a f**king station. He could have not been dying. He could have, he could have, he could have. They’d been backed up against the walls of barriers the world had set up around and around their relationship until there was a maze and a hundred different obstacles behind him and his Caroline. Who had never even been his.
He was sick with longing for her, sick of not being able to touch her properly, sick of watching from a distance as another man didn’t make her feel the way he knew he could.
He had to repeat to himself like a mantra every day, that Guy was better because she would have him forever, a stable person, a marry and have kids person. So the fact that the idea of never making love to her made him almost frantic didn’t really factor. He had no idea what to do with himself, in this strange foreign world where he didn’t belong for much longer and he was willingly sacrificing things to Guy, in which he found himself with tears in his eyes far too often, a world that it was difficult to regret losing, where he felt broken inside but could never show it externally. He was more tired of it after three days than he had his old life after more than thirty years. He had always been a bit of a romantic, but never a melodramatic, never a beat-your-head-against-the-wall because you loved someone type of person.
He ached for some release, the double pains of his secret and the lack of Caroline in his life forcing daily spins around the city at night, going faster than he should.

eeeeeeeeeee yay new fic.
love it

This is amazing so far, you describe Mac's heartache so well, that's exactly how I imagine him feeling. Can't wait to read some more of this!

:excited The Shins! And a new Madelinenancy fic! That's such a great combination - yay! :D

It's such amazing writing. Poor, poor Mac!

I do hope Mac doesn't die in this fic :angry:

Love reading about his feelings and the fact that he's giving Caroline to Guy - the man's a saint. Take her back, take her back.

eee another fic! :D

:cry mac!
cant wait to read more!!

Oh more please, this is gr8 :thumbsup :thumbsup :bananawhip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttg_t6bNPOk


more more more... tahnks for the comments!!

_________________________


You felt abandoned by me
I recall the sunshine as you were melting
And although the comedy softens the fall
They still hear us with their ears to the wall

He could understand her anger, her apathy towards him. He had, in essence, dumped her with no explanation whatsoever, just left her. Truth was, he was angry at her too, for going off with Guy so quickly. It was irrational and unfair on her, but he was so jealous that week that it blinded him to how emotions were supposed to work. He wasn’t exactly going off and getting another girlfriend, was he? No, he was moping around his house, moping around the hospital, trying desperately to act as if he wasn’t bothered that his best friend was manhandling the love of his life in the next chair. He sometimes wondered if it was an act of revenge on her part, and when he thought that it made him want to tell her the truth, just to show her how little he deserved the stabbing she was giving his heart. On the outside little had changed. The three of them were still friends, they still mucked about in theatre, but those who knew them well could sense the strange dynamics and distance between them and watched curiously. Caroline and Guy? They wondered. Whatever happened to Mac and Caroline, the Doomed yet Fated couple?
Some people even said to him, in no uncertain terms, that he was an idiot to have let her go.

Wednesday, 8:00
Martin: “So, eh, getting ready for the wedding?”
Mac: “Um. No. I have a tux ordered, if that’s what you mean.”
Martin: “Oh yeah! That’s right! It’s not your wedding!! You should really sort that one out.”

Obviously thinking he had made a very subtle and hard-hitting point, Martin walked away pointedly, leaving Mac choking back laughter at his ridiculous tactics.

Thursday, 7:45
Sue: “What I don’t understand is why you’ve not claimed the Trodd, since you can’t have me.”
Mac (ignoring the obvious flaws in her question): “Mm. Interesting one, that”.
Sue: “You’ve probably killed her. Yup. Yup. A life with the secreTAN. Fate worse than Death! So does this mean you don’t love her anymore, or what?”
Mac swallowed and lied through his teeth, shaking his head and standing up to leave.

Tuesday, 11:30
Boyce: ‘So… how’s Caroline.’
Mac: “Dunno.”
Boyce: ‘Yeah, right, gonna come right out and say this, yeah?’ and he continued in an extremely patronizing voice with arm movements to match, miming picking someone up and setting them down again in front of him. ‘Take… her… back. Jesus Christ, both of you look like you’ve swallowed a sock or something. Guy’s not really that much competition, mate. She looks at you like you’re… I dunno, a Ferrari or something. Guy’s a Smart Car. Exciting until you realise there are only two seats and a shitty marble ashtray hidden under all that gloss.’
Mac didn’t even look up.
“Can’t.”
Boyce: chuckling uncertainly “What, you busy or something?”
“Yeah, actually.” Seeing he would get nowhere, Boyce just tutted and got up, wandering away.
So he slowly reconciled himself to her absence and tried to forget her taste and touch, as he had almost managed to do so many times before. But it was harder, having gotten closer than he ever had done before, to squash more completely any hope he had than he had felt it possible to before.

awww, Mac! this is so well written, can't wait for more :)

:lol: I never would have taken Boyce for a closet Princess Diaries fan.
:notworthy I really love this (as ever). Why is Mac not listening to all of the hints? Why doesn't he just TAKE HER BACK! Your style of writing is so good - this is really moving, and at the same time feels exactly like Green Wing (especially Sue). The lyrics work so well, too (and I have to say, I'm impressed - I love the song, but I have the same problem with it as I do with a lot of Shins songs, that being I haven't got a clue what the lyrics are. I wouldn't have been able to do a songfic in a hundred years).
I can't wait for more of this - it rocks. :)

haha yes... just seemed like a perfect insult.

and i have the album... its got the lyrics in. if there's a song on there u want lyrics there, feel free to pm me and i'll send you them back- they're all in the sleeve thingy.

although when you read them you're still like whaaat as much as wen u hear them- i've left out the bits about barnstormers and tidal rabbits from this fic!!

:lol: Thanks, I may take you up on that.

One wound up punch of intuition
Lays flat my whole take on us
You’re the girl on the wing
In the cracks where fall and winter collide

Mac shook him and Guy pulled away, angry and a little confused.
“What? All I did was have an argument with my fiancée, and now you’re threatening me? Jesus, mr ginger tits, what’s gotten into YOUR knickers?” Mac was still watching him, seething, tensed, almost ready to hit him.
“Don’t make her cry.” He said softly. Guy almost laughed out loud.
“Wait a second, are you telling me how to treat my woman?” Mac gritted his teeth.
“I’m telling you, do not make Caroline cry.” Guy shook his head incredulously.
“Un-f*cking-believable. Tell me, if you would,” and he moved so their noses touched, narrowed eyes meeting narrowed eyes, “firstly why you have a say, and secondly why it was me that made her cry? She’s just stressed. What have I done wrong?”
Mac didn’t blink.
“Firstly, your fiancée has just gone off sobbing after you shouted at her, and you haven’t even tried to follow her to make her feel better, secondly I do have a say because I lo- because she’s my friend as much as yours, and thirdly.” He turned away abruptly, eyes clouded. “Because I didn’t give her up so she could be hurt by someone that doesn’t deserve her.” Guy stared after him, bewildered.
“GAVE UP? Still think you could’ve had her?” but he wasn’t even quite convincing himself.

**
He should have known it was a mistake telling Guy. At the time it had been enormously cathartic, a release of sorts. And it had been enormously satisfying, rendering Guy speechless, seeing wide-eyed shock in GUY’s eyes. But what he’d momentarily forgotten in his state of inebriation was Guy’s stellar secret keeping skills, or rather lack of them. He supposed he should be grateful he hadn’t told Caroline, but Sue or Boyce were sure to eventually. He wasn’t quite sure why he was so terrified of her knowing. Probably because he feared the pity, feared seeing Caroline watch him with pity. If he examined it further he knew he would probably find a tiny part of him that needed her to stay with Guy, a little because then he couldn’t be tempted to hurt himself and her, but mostly because he wanted her to be happy. Not necessarily with the perm-headed wanker, but he could concede that they went reasonably well together. If every cell in his body hadn’t been screaming that Guy could never make her feel the way he could, that Guy could not possibly love her as much as he could, he knew that maybe Guy was enough. And that if we’re lucky enough to have enough in life, then that’s great. If Guy was enough for Caroline, then who on earth was he to begrudge her that?


Guy told her. As soon as he saw her, he knew she knew, and he felt overwhelming relief as he saw the anger in her eyes, not pity, never pity. She stormed into the room, barely noticing the small children around her as all her rage focussed in on the dying man before her.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I don’t know.
Because I didn’t want it to be weird for you.
Because I didn’t want to hurt you.
Because I didn’t want to have to turn you down again.
Because I wanted you to be happy
Because seeing you with Guy makes me want to explode, but the idea of you without Guy is almost worse.
Because I love you
“Because I thought… you wouldn’t like it?”

Brilliant fic! :notworthy

Especially love the Mac/Guy Ferarri/Smart Car comparison!

Awwww this is really sad!!

:notworthy Woop and Yay!

the end is nigh.... sorry for the morbid ending but i thought i would let the song speak for itself :P

_____________________

I sold all my evil motives
No icicles stuck in my hide
I’m through with riddles, I know we’re little
Just help me feel warm inside

They settled into a rhythm he never could have anticipated. It was a kind of peace between two people driven apart by reality, but who still wanted the other’s company. Imposible though it sounded and scarce though he would have believed it, he did take enormous pleasure just from being with her, without all the lies and half suppositions and unfinished sentences that used to hang between them. Even though they could never fulfil it, they loved each other, and both knew it, and there is nothing more pleasurable than being loved. It still hurt, but it helped having her when he needed her, just to talk to or watch or smile at or laugh with.
But what even Caroline couldn’t do with her presence was make him feel warm inside again, to thaw the hollow icy emptiness that started at his stomach and worked upwards, to feel alive again. To feel human again.

“I love you.” As he said it he felt a rush of emotion flashed through his blood, fear and love and confusion and desire and elation that he could feel all those things again, elation that he had said it, no matter what else comes next.
“Will you marry me?” and in that second, that tenderhooked second with her hand held by his and his eyes losing themselves in hers, he thought he wouldn’t mind whatever she did, because at now least he had done it, he could never reproach himself for missing an opportunity. But then she pulled away and he felt sick to his stomach, felt a long, slow, steady wrench in his chest and he realised he did mind, quite a lot. The re-icing of his body was remarkably quick, the deadness in his mind and his heart regaining their ground and his heart rate slowing, his brain squashing glimpses of hope he had left and going back to its general sitting in the corner and moping.
“Do you know what, doctor Macartney?” He turned to face her, determined to face up to whatever she said. But it took every energy, every cell in his body to muster up the energy to say
“What.”
“I bloody will.” He didn’t have time to do anything, didn’t have time to say anything or feel anything before she was in his arms and it felt as though someone let off a nuclear bomb inside him. Her lips were unbelievably, life-reaffirmingly soft and as his closed eyes filled with tears he could feel himself smiling against her skin, and in that second, despite the fact that Doctor Macartney was only one in a billion people, only one speck in the mindnumbing expanse of earths into planets, planets to solar systems to galaxies to an enormous expanse of universe, he didn’t feel alone, because there wasn’t just one person in his own personal universe anymore. There were only two people in the world at that instant, and one of them was Caroline.


Epilogue
We could have been so good-natured
If I’d relented when you insisted
We take a week off, let the garden grow by itself
And although the comedy softens the fall we still fall short.

Although that scene hurts! I liek what you did with it, you made a scene that to me is ugly to something pretty!

awww!
this is a brilliant fic :notworthy

:notworthy You are AMAZING! I love the way you write, and you made me love the bananary kiss even more than before.

THATS THE BEST THING EVER!
:wub:

aw! that was absolutely lovely, and just how I could imagine the characters feeling. Thank you for writing this!! :D

Have slowly but surely been working my way through all the fic posted here and was very pleased to discover this wonderful little gem.I am looking forward to reading more of your stories. :D