Okay...here it is...the first part of my next fic.

Mac lay in the sterile hospital bed, the feeling of loneliness weighing heavily on his heart. There was no second chance this time, no administrative errors. He was dying, and from the feel of it, he was dying very soon.

Caroline had come in to visit him several times, as had Guy, but he knew it was too hard for them and their relationship and had started pretending to sleep when he knew they were coming. Strangely it had been Sue White who had been the best company, maybe because she was so crazy she didn’t fully comprehend the situation. She would come into Mac’s room and amuse him with anecdotes and impressions of the day, bringing him strange odds and ends ranging from half a yoghurt to a brightly coloured yoyo that had nearly brought him to tears with the memory of yoyo man.

Would they forget him soon? Would he just become that ginger doctor who died young? Would they forget his name, and his voice, and his mannerisms?

Biting his lip, he wished Caroline was there. Just so that he could tell her he loved her, once, honestly. The pain of letting her go, of pretending he didn’t care, of pretending to be happy about her and Guy’s engagement, was more excruciating than anything he could have imagined suffering and seeing her made his heart twist in ways he couldn’t understand.

Another wave of pain passed over him, physical rather than emotional this time, leaving him drained in its wake. Suddenly his breathing felt heavy and his eyelids desperately wanted to close; unable to resist, he sank into the welcoming darkness, his last thought being of Caroline’s smiling face.

In the room next door, a sole light began flashing accompanied by an insistent beep and the nurse on duty leapt to her feet, hurrying through to Mac’s room. Her face paling, she pressed the button next to his bed but didn’t prepare the bed to be wheeled to surgery. She knew it was too late. Footsteps came tapping along the corridor and the duty doctor hurried in, followed by two orderlies. On seeing Mac’s serene face all three stopped in their tracks and the doctor lowered his eyes sadly.

“Doctor McCartney” he murmured respectfully, and the nurse had to bite her lip to keep her eyes dry.

“Time of death: 14.04, 12th May 2005.”

With difficulty, she made the note in the correct box and watched as the white sheet was drawn over the surgeon’s lightly closed eyes.

“We’ll miss you” she said softly, knowing he couldn’t hear her but needing to say it nonetheless.

:cry *whimpers* Poor Mac - I don't want him hiding his feelings! And I really don't want him dead! Despite all of that, I love this fic already and I can't wait to see more of it.

Im really looking forward to this, and vow to remain emotionally strong! In the words of puss in boots - You cannot make me cry! Its devastating about him being all alone when he died though, and never saying goodbye to anyone...no! Strong!

I'm just in shock that I actually managed to kill him...I didn't think I had it in me. Thanks for the nice comments :)

It wasn't really murder...more of a mercy killing! :P

Argh I can tell already this is gonna be a sad fic...gawks...but loving the writing as ever!

Mercy killing...yes, that sounds better doesn't it :)

:o But... but... Mac!!! :cry :cry :cry :cry That was so sad it nearly made me burst into tears as I got to the end. OMG, I can't believe you started the fic like that! Wow!

That was an amazing piece of writing and I'm really intrigued to see how this fic will continue as it starts with the death of Mac. Please update soon, won't you? :notworthy

dear god this fic is bril!

oh my goodness :cry
mac! :cry

this is really good! update soon! :)

:cry yay another fic *sobs* Maaaaacccc :cry

this is great...ahh nearly started crying :sob
poor mac

You killed Mac!! Wait til Imo hears about this - she had a rule that said no one was allowed to kill off Mac!! :P

But seriously, you write really well and I can't wait to see where this fic is going.

<_< No one stuck to that rule. Did they not care about the Lion's Mane?

:o!! love it!! but dead mac



:cry

When Mac woke up, the first thing he thought was that he felt a lot better. A hell of a lot better in fact. The second thing he thought was that he definitely wasn’t in a hospital bed, or even in a hospital for that matter.

That could mean two things. Either he’d been miraculously cured and taken away from the hospital which was impossible at best, or…he was dead.

“Bollocks.”

“No need to swear.”

Mac spun around to see someone familiar sitting on the other end of the leather sofa he was currently curled up on.

“What the f*ck are you doing here?”

“My my, we are edgy today,” said Angela cheerfully, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “I’m your guide. It’s my job to show you around.”

Mac took a deep soothing breath.

“Around where, exactly?”

Angela blinked her large blue eyes and tilted her head.

“Well, heaven of course, silly!” she poked him lightly in the side. “You should be flattered to be here. Only the smartest, prettiest people get into heaven. Which means that Caroline and that ape won’t be bothering us.”

Mac gritted his teeth, thinking that this really felt a lot more like hell than heaven.

“Um, no offence Angela, but is there any chance I could get someone else to show me around? Or just have a nap? Dying’s surprisingly tiring, you know.”

Angela shook her shiny head with another smile.

“Not always. Do you know, I felt so reinvigorated after I died? And you don’t really need to sleep here either, not physically anyway.”

It occurred to Mac that the dead Angela was possibly even more annoying than the living one had been, unbelievable as that sounded. With a pang he thought that the people who’d have appreciated that sentiment weren’t with him any more though.

“So what do you do here?” he asked, trying to distract himself. Angela bounced to her feet and beckoned him out of the door of the room. Rising slowly, Mac followed her.

“Whatever you like, pretty much,” she said, gesturing. “Because both of us spent so much time in and around the hospital our heavens overlap here. I can also go to my family and watch over them…and see all of my friends. Goodness, I have a lot of friends!”

Mac tuned out her prattling, stunned. He’d gone straight from a replica of his living room into the foyer of the hospital, and as he stood there a trolley of files was pushed directly through him.

“I’m a ghost?” he whispered, lost for words for once. Beside him Angela shrugged.

“I haven’t figured out exactly what we are,” she admitted. “We’re invisible to them and they can pass through us without feeling anything. But I think it’s nice to watch what’s going on.”

Oblivious to Mac’s shock, she carried on walking, passing into a cupboard and gesturing for him to follow her. They came out into a room full of paints, crayons and paper of different shape, sizes and textures.

“This is one of the shared rooms. Lots of kids here. I love kids, wish I’d had the chance to have my own sometimes. You can come in here and just paint or chat to the others here. It’s a pretty cool place.”

Mac waited until Angela had become engrossed in a painting and slipped back through the door, thinking of East Hampton. Again he came into the foyer and a wave of sadness overwhelmed him as he realised he’d probably never speak to these people again, and they’d never see him.

Unsure if he could stand seeing Caroline, he headed back to his flat, feeling raw and hollow.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

:cry Poor Mac. Especially having to put up with Angela - that must be torture.

omg!
NOOOOOO!
this must be hell for him!

:o wow!! so clever!! ghosties!! MORE MORE MORE i can barely stand the sadness though :(

:cry :cry :cry :cry :cry :cr awww poor mac and poor caro

and angela a snob lol joke

Oi you are not allowed to write fics that kill off Mac. It isn't allowed :sob

I told you so! :lol:

Caroline stood in Mac’s room, feeling sick to her stomach. When Boyce had paged her to tell her what had happened she hadn’t believed it, and hadn’t told Guy. But she could see his body in front of her now.

“Was this really what you wanted?” she asked the corpse lying in front of her. “Did you really want me to end up with Guy or was this some sort of fucked up way of stopping yourself feeling guilty?”

Her face crumpled and she sobbed loudly, sinking into a chair. Tears rolled down her face as she leaned against the wall.

“I love you, Mac. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me with Guy, he’s only my maybe. You were my yes Mac, all the way through you were my yes.”

Caroline only dimly registered someone putting a hand on her arm and pulling her into an embrace.

“We’re all going to miss him” said Boyce quietly, stroking her back. She sniffled quietly, burying her face in his white coat.

“I wish I’d told him…”

Boyce shushed her and tilted her tearstained face up towards his.

“I think he knew” he said gently, and let Caroline cry.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Mac went to his funeral. It occurred to him that it would be rude not to, but now he was there he felt terrible for doubting that the staff cared. Sue White was inconsolable, bawling on Boyce’s shoulder. For once, it looked as though she was being sincere and she’d even managed to leave the bunny ears at home. Boyce himself was brushing at his face and biting his lip hard.

Martin, Dr Statham and Joanna Clore stood to one side looking uneasy. Martin wore the air of someone who was trying to grow up and pull themselves together; Mac wondered if he’d come to that conclusion himself or been gently pushed there by someone else. Statham and Clore looked sad although far from distraught, and further back than them stood hospital staff. As Mac looked further and further back through the rows he realised with a lump in his throat that there had to be hundreds of people, maybe even thousands, there to honour his memory.

Moving to the side he saw the two people he missed the most. Guy had his arm around Caroline, his lip trembling, although when Caroline touched his arm and asked him if he was okay he brushed her off sharply with the comment “Don’t be stupid. I’m glad that ginger prick’s out of my life.”
The smile faded quickly off Mac’s face when he saw Caroline though. She looked terrible, her face was pale and her eyes red.

“Do you miss me that much?” he asked, genuinely surprised, knowing that she couldn’t hear him. Her eyes, already growing wet with tears, were fixed firmly down onto the coffin and her lips moved almost imperceptibly with words he (and probably Guy) couldn’t hear before she stepped forward at the signal to throw a single flower into the grave.

“This is really fucking weird” murmured Mac to himself, “Watching my own funeral. Crazy.”

Even talking to himself couldn’t stop the swell of emotion as he watched Caroline being led away by Guy and supported as her legs gave way underneath her, and feeling awkward and voyeuristic he left the graveyard.

* * * ** * * ** * * * *

That evening, Mac slipped into Caroline’s house, unable to help himself, and perched on the end of the bed where she and Guy lay. Caroline was on her side, facing away from Guy, motionless, while her fiancé squirmed, and then rolled over, wrapping his arms around her.

“Funerals always make me horny” he commented in a would-be casual voice and Caroline’s expression tightened.

“Not tonight, Guy. Have some respect.”

Silence fell, and Mac almost felt a stab of guilt at the hurt expression on Guy’s face before he rolled over again and closed his eyes, his breathing evening out. As soon as Guy was asleep Caroline got up carefully and quietly and went to sit on the window ledge, looking out into the night. Mac followed her over, wishing more than anything he could touch her, only to put a hand on her shoulder and tell her it would be alright. Helpless, he stood by as tears rolled silently down her face. This wordless grief was far harder to watch than hysterics and he turned away feeling worse than ever to see Angela in the doorway looking at him sadly.

“I didn’t realise you cared about her so much” she said softly and Mac shook his head.

“Neither did she, and that was the point.”

The words had made so much sense before, but now it just sounded like an excuse to his ears and he frowned as Caroline walked through him and downstairs to the kitchen. They both followed her as she sat down at the table and picked up a sheaf of notes in Guy’s writing – wedding plans, Mac realised with a start - scrubbing at her eyes with the sleeve of her dressing gown, until Angela took Mac by the elbow.

“I think we should go” she said softly, “This isn’t helping you or her.”

Numbly, Mac allowed himself to be tugged out of the door, glancing quickly over his shoulder at her, wishing she could see him.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I'm sorry Imo :unsure: hope you'll forgive me by the end

:cry this is so sad :(
and it is making me all watery eyed! :( :cry

more please!

please make it into a 'ghost' type thing then!

:cry :cry :cry This is incredibly sad, but you write it so well I can;t be angry. I love the friendship between Boyce and Caroline you've done in all of your fics so far - I liked their relationship in the show, and always wished they'd had more scenes together.

:( Oh my goodness this is SO sad! I can't believe I actually have tears in my eyes it's written so well!

:sob :sob
this is amazing

Lm, are you planning of putting into this the thing that happened towards the end of the thing that this is based on (like my subtlety?). Because otherwise I don't know if I can stand the sadness.

oh my god.....this is frigging fantastic.....I love this!!!!!! and yeh Angela, one of my fav characters lol...write more or I will have to hurt you

oh god and he loved herandthenhedied and he could never tell her cos it would have hurt her and OH GOD YOU'VE MADE ME BABBLE INCOHERENTLY gah and sh... and he... and OH GOD

this is so fantastic it almost HURTS.

i would give you a cookie

but i dont think it entirely befits the situation.

have a three-tier victoria sponge with real devonshire cream and jam made by hand by blind lesbian nuns. and flour gronud by hand by blind gay monks.

GODDAMIT why isnt there an emoticon for that???

Madelinenancy, I'm starting to wish I hadn't written this...you kill Mac so much better than I do (is that a compliment? It's meant as one!)
But wow. That sounds like one hell of a cake, we really should have an emoticon for that :)

Hang on did Madelinenancy kill off Mac as well, and I thought she was nice :sob

Can Denziel Washington appear as God and give Mac a second chance and move the time back to before he got ill. Thanks.

Well come on if Hollywood can do it :rolleyes:

Big long chapter for you here guys!


Things at East Hampton changed radically after Mac’s death. Martin finally pulled himself together and became far more self confident. As Mac sat on the end of a hospital bed watching Martin deal with an extraordinarily belligerent alcoholic, he considered that he’d probably pass his exams this time round and become a real doctor. Boyce too had settled down, although he still took pleasure from mocking Alan Statham.

It was surgery that broke Mac’s heart though. All the banter and insults that he’d taken for granted, which had made his job so worthwhile, were gone. For the most part, Caroline’s operations went in silence, although Guy would occasionally interject some comment about the wedding or engagement or, even worse, the night before, which made Mac’s stomach burn with jealousy.

In those times, or the nights when he knew Guy and Caro were having sex, he would go on long walks or rides on his motorbike, trying to clear his head of the images that wouldn’t stop floating around. Sometimes he went to sit with the younger kids in heaven, some of whom had died at East Hampton and who he’d known fairly well. They would often play games together as he tried to impart the genius of the Kinks on them.

One evening, as he tried to distract himself from the knowledge that Caroline and Guy were sitting up in bed, discussing wedding plans, a girl called Lily came and perched on her lap.

“What’re you thinking of?” she asked bluntly, and Mac forced a smile for her.

“A woman who I love very much” he said with difficulty, and Lily touched his cheek.

“Is that the woman whose hamster was ill?”

He nodded, his throat tight.

“Her hamster died and he’s in heaven now, and she’s playing with the dark curly haired hamster instead. But the ginger hamster is having trouble seeing them together, because he misses her a lot.”

Lily wrapped her slender arms around his neck.

“I don’t think the dark curly haired hamster is any good for her” she said matter-of-factly, her nose touching Mac’s. “I think he’s cheating scum.”

Mac blinked, taken aback by her ferocity.

“What do you mean?”

Lily regarded him through narrowed eyes for a moment.

“Well, this doesn’t have anything to do with hamsters, but the other day I saw Dr Secretan pulling a pretty blonde nurse into an empty room and locking the door behind them.”

Mac’s eyes narrowed and he took a deep breath, trying to persuade himself that Guy wouldn’t do that. He loved Caroline too much, didn’t he? They were talking about marriage – or rather, Guy was talking about marriage while Caroline listened. It must have just been some mistake…somehow.

The next day, Mac followed Guy for the whole day – from when he woke up and made Caroline breakfast in bed, to his taxi ride into work because it was Caroline’s day off, through his operations and tea breaks and lunch. The Swiss anaesthetist didn’t put a foot out of line…well, not compared to usual anyway. There was the usual chauvinistic remarks aimed at the nurses, a run-in with Jake the complementary therapist, and an amusing incident where Guy attempted to push Martin out of the way only for Martin to push him back twice as hard and tell him to f*ck off.

As Guy crawled out from under a pile of folders and test tubes, trying to salvage some dignity, Mac laughed harder than he had for the weeks he’d been in heaven, wishing at that point he could have given Martin a hug and said how proud he was. It was almost worth dying to see someone’s life improve for it.

* * * * * ** * * * * * *

Guy considered going on the hunt for that cute redhead he’d seen, as he ate cereal from a bowl in the staffroom, but decided against it. There was always so much more adrenaline flowing when he knew Caroline was in the hospital and could walk in at any second. So instead, he made himself a slice of toast and planned his next conquest, smirking to himself.

“She’ll never find out” he sang to himself smugly, “Because I am a Swiss anaesthetist GOD!”

Clearing his throat, Guy stood up and headed to theatre, a grin plastered across his features.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The next day, he did go on the hunt for the red-head. He’d seen Caroline into theatre with a kiss on the lips which, as usual, she didn’t respond to, which meant that in his world what he was about to do was entirely fair; in fact, Caroline was asking for it.

It didn’t take much persuasion to get the nurse to follow him to a quiet room. Guy’s nose brushed against hers as he whispered sweet nothings before kissing her so passionately she couldn’t control herself. Pressed up against the wall, clothes went flying as he ran his hands and tongue up and down her body, revelling in the excitement. Sex with Caroline just wasn’t the same as this, a different woman every week. Caroline never moaned like this girl was moaning, never arched her body, never begged him to f*ck her.

Even while he was thinking about her, the nurse had wrapped her legs around his waist, jammed between him and the wall as he pushed into her urgently, his breath taken away instantly by how hot she was…


Meanwhile, Caroline’s operation had been cancelled and she was wandering the hospital corridors trying to decide what to do. She knew that marrying Guy would be the smart thing to do. He loved her, and he’d never leave her, and surely that security was worth lying to herself for? Mac wasn’t coming back, and never would be – she’d seen his body laid to rest.

Her mind made up, she went on a hunt for Guy. When she found him, she’d tell him that she loved him, and that she wanted to be with him, and to get the wedding organised as soon as possible.

“Have you seen Guy anywhere?” she asked Boyce. He nodded and jerked a thumb in the direction of radiology.

“No idea what an anaesthetist is doing in radiology, but I saw him go that way 10 minutes ago.”

Caroline hurried down the dead-end corridor, peeking in every room she could see into. There was no sign of him, and only one door left. Mac beat her to the door, and thanking some deity for his non-corporeal form, he floated through the wood only to stagger back out again, swearing and gagging at the sight of Guy having passionate sex with some nurse. Wishing he could stop Caroline, he stood in front of the door hopelessly as her hand reached for the latch, wishing that someone would page her, anything to keep her from seeing this and getting hurt. His wishes were in vain though, as the door clicked open – why, why hadn’t Guy locked it? – and there was a gasp from inside.

“Guy?!”

“Oh God. Caroline. I thought you were in theatre!”

Caroline looked at Guy and the nurse, her eyes filling with tears.

“You bastard” she said quietly, and backed out of the door, pale and shaky. If looks could kill, Guy and the nurse would have been dead in seconds as Mac floated through the door again to find them still shagging and getting back into their rhythm as his fiancée stumbled through the corridors, cut to the core.

Caroline pushed her way out of the hospital, breathless and speechless. Guy…her fiancé…Guy…fucking some girl in a box room. Did she really mean that little to everyone she came across?

Not knowing where she was going, she crossed the car park, unable to contemplate walking back into the hospital and dealing with whatever excuses Guy had come up with, and skirted around the woodland until she came to the shopping street.

“Hmm. Alcohol.” She said to herself, spotting Threshers across the road. “That’s got to make things feel better. Alcohol, chocolate and cigarettes, I’ll be sorted.”

:( aww Mac :cry
and tsk!
bloody bastard that Guy is! :angry:

I DO NOT KILL MAC BETTER COS I DIDNT KILL HIM.

JUST ALMOST

and it wouldnt be a compliment :cry

but fabulous in stallment the HAMSTER bit oh god and the insanely clever little girl.
lol you do have it in for guy but i dont CARE cos he STOLE CAROLINE away and now shes oh no shes going to drink herself to death, isn't she?

:ph43r: she might
:ph43r: she might not

you're justgoing to have to wait til I come home from work to find out! Mwahaha.

:o
she could die and then her and Mac could be happy in heaven!
or you could always bring Mac back to life :rude

hehe love Martin pushing Guy back twice as hard :lol:

If you can't put the clock back to before Mac died, I almost want you to kill off Caroline so she and Mac can be together in heaven :unsure:

omg what am I saying, this is madness :o