WELCOME TO THE BIG CHEESY JOKE BOOK!

Yes, folks! Its the big (virtual) book full of cheesy jokes! Well, it's not big at the moment but hopefully if enough people add to it, it'll be HUGE! :raiseroof

OK I know this is lame but its the summer holidays and I'm BORED! :phwoar And I'm sure you all are, too (Even if you're not on summer hols).

So please give to this worthy cause by donating your cheesiest jokes and make this poor, arm-knawingly bored girl very, very, happy. :excited

I'll start!

Doctor: Do you snore at night?
Patient: Only when I'm asleep.

On which day do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.

:badger

whats pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :rolleyes:

I've also heard something similar...

What's Brown and Sticky?

A stick..

:lol:

i love jokes like that, i cant help it, they always make me near hysterical with laughter! its lame i know but i cant help it! :blush :lol:

happy august to everyone, hopefully we are all well. here is my joke for you:

A man goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The man replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."


I think it ties in nicely with the medical theme of our beloved show. do I need a disclaimer? Ah.

Boooooooooooooooooo thats terrible.

thats the point, no? :D :rolleyes:

True. Still it was awful!!

Probably heard this one, but..

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He wanders up to the bar, and says one for me.. and one for the road :lol:

:lol: hahaha, so silly! wonderful

Why did the bicycle fall over/

'cause it was too tired

:P

What's blue and fluffy?


Pink fluff holding its breath.

a man walks into a bar. oww!

A man walks into a newsagent's.
Man: Do you have any helicopter-flavoured crisps?
Newsagent: No, but we've got plane.

:lol: Wasn't sure how I should spell plane at the end, but it's still funny. Well, slughtly.

Why didn't the skeleton ask the girl out?
He didn't have the guts!

:lol:

Love it!

What's green and gooey and lives in my hanky?

My pet frog

7 blonde's walk into a bar...
OWIE!
:lol:

What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.

or

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
It has great food, but no atmosphere.

:rolleyes: :yeeay

ohhh! this one as well!

Q. How do you keep a blond busy?

A. Write "Please Turn Over" on both sides of a piece of paper!

:roflmao ...... :unsure:

sorry bout that....

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree

A: Because it was dead

(this may not be funny in words, it's quite funny if said)

************

There are two nuns in a car, and suddenly a vampire jumps on the bonnet. The nun driving says to the passenger nun, "Quick, show him your cross", the passenger nun sticks her head out the window and says "Oi you, piss off!"

************

A man walks past a bus stop where a nun is stood, he looks her up and down and then proceeds to kick and punch her, he laughs and shouts, "Ha! Not so tough now, are you Batman"

:) they're lame, I know, but that's the point.

so this is what it comes to these days is it?
cheap jokes on christianity?!
*quote from my R.E. teacher, Miss Philips, when i wrote a joke about christianity in my R.E. book*

:lol: :lol: :lol: They are classics, though. Hilarious.

yes, but shes a VERY strict christian.
she teaches budism and that, but you dont DARE question jesus's existance or violace against nuns infront of her!
*which was the main bulk of my joke, with the Davinci code thrown in.*

Oh :) I'd have a field day with her. She sounds like a teacher one of my mates used to have.

that annoys me...when someone can't even listen to the other side of the arguement....grrr :angry:

:thud

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

because it was also dead





why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

becasue it thought it was a game

haha "because he thought it was a game



Dont sleep with dwarfs with disablities......its not big and its not clever

(my aunty tld me that)

micheal j fox has a little one

arnold schwazzengger had a big one

cher adn madonna dont have one

the pope has one but doesnt use it

clinton uses his all the time

what is it?




















a surname!

:roflmao Fantastic!

lol have to say thought you were talking about something else

did you? did you really?

dirty mind jess.

:D

actually, i think everyne does

huuuuu, what do you mean i have the purest of thoughts

One in a similar vein...

What's long, hard and full of semen*?






















A submarine!

*(sorry, the typo is a bit misleading)

lol

works a bit better when saying it, no?

Yeah, it is.

I'll try and think of a better one next time... :pelt

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

:lol:

I like that!

This thread hasn't been seen in a while.

One for kitty here...

Q: Whats brown, fluffy, and floats?
A: A kitten in space!

Truly an awful joke!!

kittyofdoom's joke remined me of something my friend sent me a few weeks ago:

Economic model explained with cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
>
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,
then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

HONG KONGCAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder. He sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company, and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the> company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office
and go for a few beers to celebrate.

:lol:

A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital. He turns up two days later with the jar empty. The nurse asks why there's no sample and he says "Sorry, but I tried with my right hand, then my left hand. The my wife tried with both hands. Then with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out. Then we got Ethel from next door to try. But it was all no good, we just could not get the frigging lid off!"

haha i like the couldnt get the lid off! i have one that some one told me but well i cant tell jokes :lol:

A woman walks into a bar and tells the barman, "I'd like a double entendre please". So he gives her one.
(Takes a while - for me at least - but funny.)