Announcer: (V.O.) Is there a doctor in the house?
Mac: [In the audience] Yeah. Hi. Hello.
[The camera moves to the left wing of the audience, where Mac is standing up. Caroline, who is in the seat next to him, is pleading him to sit back down. Both are wearing black suits.]
Caroline: No, no, no! No, shh! Stop. Mac, Mac, Mac! No, come back. Don't. Sit down.
Mac: What?
Caroline: Don't. Come back.
Mac: What?
Caroline: Don't do it.
Mac: They just asked for a doctor, so…
Caroline: But you're…
Mac: Come on!
Caroline: No, no, no, no. Look, they'll be dozens of prop… real doctors in-in-in here.
Mac: Er, yeah, having a look. Can't see an GPs putting their hands up, so they can't obviously be fucking arsed, can they? No.
[Guy calls from the other side of the audience, dressed in the same way.]
Guy: Oi! Hey. Oi!
Mac: Who, what, where?
Guy: Who needs a doctor? Has it got tits? If it's got tits, I'm a doctor.
Caroline: Guy!
Guy: What?
Caroline: Sit down!
Mac: Sorry, sorry! No, they said doctor, not poodle-haired twat, so…
Guy: Cor dear, you come all the way to the Royal Albert Hall, you could have washed your hair. [Walks past members of the audience] Excuse me. [To Mac] It's all right, you can sit down. I'll take it from here.
Mac: Cool, you take it.
Guy: Yeah, I'll take it. I will.
Mac: All right then, you do it.
Guy: You do it. Yes!
Mac: Whoo!
[The Green Wing theme tune plays, as Caroline, Guy and Mac dances to the stage, in fast-forward. As they do, they take off their suits, and now wear medical scrubs. On the stage is a gurney with a female patient (really a dummy), covered by a blanket. The music stops.]
Caroline: Here we go!
Mac: Yeah, give it up!
Guy: Sorry, I was making a meal of my strip. [To Mac] Yeah, can I just ask what the hell you are doing here with my fiancé?
Mac: I'm very sorry. Perhaps you'd like to have her electronically tagged?
Caroline: No, please don't give him any ideas.
Guy: What are you doing here, fiancé?
Caroline: Er…I came to the boxing. I got the wrong night.
Mac: Yeah, she…she loves blood. That's why she became a surgeon.
Guy: Hold on a minute. [He goes to a woman in the audience.] Stop flirting with me. I am try… [To a man nearby.] No, not you mate. Her. [To the woman] I am… I am trying to save someone's life. Stop doing that with you bosoms. [To Caroline and Mac.] She's flapping her nipples in my eyeline, it's putting me off.
Caroline: Guy, you've made your point.
Guy: It's her points I'm worried about.
Mac: Right, shush, listen. We need… We need to operate.
Guy: Well, that's a surprise. If he'd been a hairdresser, it would have been, "Yeah, I think we have to give her some subtle ginger highlights."
Mac: I need a scalpel? Has anybody got a scalpel?
Caroline: Um…we'll have to improvise.
Guy: Ah, improvise, [To Mac] that's you buggered, isn't it? Go on, say something really funny.
Caroline: Go on, go on, go on.
Guy: Come on.
Caroline: Go on, go on.
Guy: In front of all these people, off the top of your head.
Caroline: Say something, go on, go on, go on!
Guy: It's coming!
Mac: Mmmm…mmm…
Guy: Here it comes. It's going to be great.
Caroline: Come, come.
Guy: Come on.
Mac: I need something sharp. Clearly I won't be using your wit.
Guy: Yes! Very good! [Guy takes a Swiss Army Knife from his pocket.] What about a Swiss Army knife?
Mac: Excellent.
Guy: Hold on. I've got to put her under. [Guy takes of one of his shoes and hits the patient over the head.] Right, that's it, she's under.
[The theme music plays again. Caroline and Guy try to move the gurney whilst Mac dances to the music.]
Caroline: It's not moving. It's got to…
[They stop moving the gurney, Caroline puts a pair of surgical gloves on. The music stops.]
Guy: OK. Right, I've just got to check for vital signs first.
[Guy puts his hand under the blanket. Feeling her breasts.]
Mac: [To Caroline, about his improvisation] Went really well that one, didn't it?
Guy: Yeah, two reasonably firm breasts. Ooh, hello! Oi, look, it's a phone.
[Guy takes a mobile phone from under the blanket.]
Caroline: Guy! You can't use her phone!
Guy: Brilliant! Yeah, it's lovley. Great photo opportunity.
[Guy uses the phone on the camera to take a picture of the patients breasts.]
Caroline: Stop it!
Guy: There you go! [Guy then smiles and takes a photo of himself. He then looks further along under the blanket.] There you go. Now, I'm just gonna… ooh, hello. A shaven heaven. [Take a photo.]
Mac: Awwww.
Guy: Just gonna take a picture of me giving her mouth-to-mouth. [Bend his head down towards the patients genitals.]
Caroline and Mac: Guy!
[Guy moves back towards the head.]
Guy: Up here!
[Guy then start to kiss and lick the patient, whilst Caroline looks under the blanket.]
Caroline: She does seem to be all woman, and yet strangely, she does seem to have a really massive cock. [Guy moves away from the patient instantly.] You are so conventional.
Guy: Yeah.
[A strange shrieking is heard. The doctors stop. Sue then appears, wearing a tutu, feathers in her hair, a pair of very long arms. She sits on the gunrey, her arse touching the patients head, which is covered by the tutu.]
Sue: Why, Dr Macartney…
Caroline, Guy and Mac: [Unhappily] Sue White.
Sue: [Impersonating Humphrey Bogart] In all the Albert Halls in all the world, you had to walk into mine.
Mac: You look a bit like a fairy.
Guy: [Points to Mac and Sue] Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. That's the introductions out of the way.
Sue: Really? Who's this, then? [Get up off the gurney and talks to the patient] Oh, no, you don't, little lady. Uh-huh. Think we might've met before. Come on, up you pop. Off your trolley!
Guy: [Points to Sue and the patient] Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.
Sue: Oh.
Caroline: What are you doing exactly?
Sue: I'll tell you what I'm doing exactly. This…this little hussy is an offical Dr Macartney stalker. I tell you, I've seen her around before and I tell you something else. She doesn't have a fanny! [Sue lifts up her tutu, revealing a pair of lace panties underneath.]
Caroline: Sorry, what you're saying is someone would deliberatley go under the a very old, rusty Swiss Army knife just to get close to Dr Mac?
Sue: Yah, yah, duh-huh, yah.
Mac: Shush, listen. [Mac lowers his head to the patients to hear.] I think we've lost her.
Guy: No, no, she's right here.
Caroline: No, she's dead, she's dead! What are we gonna do?
Guy: I know, let's play surf the dead transsexual.
Caroline, Mac and Sue: Guy!

I love it when they are actually improvising and trying to make Julain...I feel for him! But he does come up with something rather good! In the end...

yeh me too I was shouting leave him alone lol

*prepares to have things thrown at her*

I rather thought that the whole thing was a scripted joke...

Ditto, Bingle. Played well but I don't think they'd actually be that mean to him!

(ooh look- over 1000 posts! yay me! lol)

agrees with bingle, I thought it was all scripted as well. See just goes to show you how good an actor Julian is :wub:

I asuumed it was scripted as well - it didn't feel improvised.

I have a feeling a few bits would have been we are talking stephen and michelle here!! its possible!!


Stephen made me laugh quite a bit!
'let's play surf the dead transsexual'

Was a little dissapointed at the few people laughing. But maybe a bit of the

was.... was well acted but I wanted more

the stop flirting bit was scripted i think pretty obviously

but the improvisy bit im not so sure

cos when steve says it if u look at julian he is laughing..........hmm i dont kno

either way twas hilarious!

Tamsin's laughing too.

I reckon it was improvised - you couldn't act it!

yeah thats what i think, u cant act julians 'vvvv' and 'bbb' lol
and steves face!!

haha

it's all about tamsin's laugh :lol:

Steve laughs in a bit of an evil, i'm-teasing-my-friend way which was what made me thnk it was improvised...

Yes but Tamsin laughs at anything - scripted and unscripted!

I think it was scripted.

But hilarious none the less. :D

we shall have to agree to disagree!

its julians face that convinces me!

I haven't seen this and won't for a while yet ( :cry ) so thanks so much for posting it, Jess. I love it! It sounds funnier than I actually thought it would be. Guy's lines are hilarious.

As I haven't seen it, I obviously can't really comment on whether or not any was improvised but I do know that comedians will v. often make things appear improvised when they're not. They can be incredibly good and convincing, though. :notworthy