Ahh! Never done this before! Please tell me what you think, its set about two weeks after ep.8...

“Oh woe, oh sweet sorrow why do thee plaguest me so?” Sue threw her head back and emitted a wail piercing enough to awaken the deadest of dead. She was dressed in full mourning gear, complete with lace veil and, of course, a solemn pair of rabbit ears. Beating the ground in anguish Sue sobbed over the grave, broken-hearted. A passer by, spotting her anguish walked over and patted her awkwardly on the back, offering a tissue. “There there dear, its awful losing a loved one isn’t it, were you close?”
“My son, my son the light of my life”
“Oh my dear I am so sorry, were you with him…at the end?”
“It all happened so quickly. He got into this fight with three Siamese and a common moggy, so feisty you know, just like his dear father, took them all on, hissing and spitting all over the place. But he was…overpowered. Still, at least he is running free in the heavens now.” Sue stood with a look of hope upon her face. “Never forget who you are Simba! You are my son, and the one true king!”
The passer-by backed away hurriedly.

“Oh come on Caro, just a little bit longer, how long can it possibly take you to get ready for work anyway? We’ve got five minutes…come on”
“Five minutes Guy? Not exactly bigging yourself up are you? "
“Hey, no bigging up needs to be done here, the evidence speaks for itself. I can be quick, if needs must.”
“No! I need to do my hair!”
“Actually you do look a bit of a mess don’t you? Go and polish the goods then. Any fiancée of Guy Secretan needs to be looking her best at all times.”

Mac parked his motorbike by the hospital entrance and was just about to walk in when he was knocked flat by an excitable, and heavy, Martin. “You’re back Mac! You’re back!”
“So I am” said Mac vaguely. “Although I’ll be down A&E if you don’t stop with the welcoming any time soon.”
“Where’ve you been? I mean, there’s been rumours, one of the nurses insisted that you eloped with her, and Boyce said that you’d been kidnapped by alien forces, intent on using your surgical powers to destroy the world and everyone in it! I just didn’t know which to believe!”
“Well I personally believe that you, Martin, have been the victim of what is commonly known as a wind up so, my special needs friend….Ah, Caroline, Hello.”
Caroline stared at Mac in a slightly dazed way. “Ah, hello Dr. MacCourtney…I mean Dr. MacCooley…erm…Mac.”

He he is v. gd spesh 4 som1s 1st go!

Ooooh yeah it is good indeed...and I would be very grateful of a further installment as soon as possible. Thank you!!

very good :) keep going!!

me thinketh that guy and caro will not be long engaged...
;)

Ah hah! Do you now...interesting theory, very eeenteresting!

haha, brilliant! Guy, Caro and Mac are so spot on, specially with Caroline tripping up over mac's name...bless :D


Pleeeeease can we have some Caromac?

Oooh yeah I'll definitely second that plea...

sure im feeling generous! As soon as inspiration hits me! Already written the end but have no middle :angry:

Think Think... this is gooood :notworthy

Ooh this sounds awesome! :D I'm hoping for some Caroguy...please? :)

Well you've just made me laugh out loud twice, so this must be good. :thumbsup

Pingpong!!! It very good!!! I like it!! add more soon please!!

Right, well thanks for being nice about the little ficness. About this second bit, please dont be offended by the insults, I have four male flatmates who genuinely talk to each other like this! Oh, and in order for the whole thing to make sense imagine that the doctor told Mac he had a few months to live, rather than a few weeks! :P


Well, this love-thing is a bit weird, thought Guy attempting to flirt with the new receptionist. She ticked all the boxes surely - blonde, tanned, portable, easy, in fact he’d normally give her a good 8.7, but somehow, all these things were annoying him so intensely he just wanted to slap her, and not in a kinky way. Just then, he spotted Mac strolling down the corridor followed by a crowd of adoring nurses like the Pied-bloody-Piper and spotted his chance to escape the receptionist’s advances.
“So, couldn’t keep away could you? My charm just keeps drawing you back into the fold! Like a magnetic force…”
“Great to see you too, but you’ve got to give it up mate. Me and you? Not going to happen”
“Got you’re eye on some other piece of ass have you? Its isn’t Fartin is it? Going to tell me where you’ve been then knobjockey?”
“Sorry, classified information that. If I told you, I’m afraid I would have to kill you in a rather nasty way, possibly involving several wild bears…cockmuncher”
“Marmite-miner”
“Back-door trader”
“You just made that one up!”

Pouncing on him as he walked out the men’s toilets, Caroline pinned Mac against the wall with one arm, she couldn’t stand it any longer, she had to know.
“Listen to me, you…silly man!”
“Why Caroline, how insulting”
“Stop it! Where were you? Why didn’t you meet me at the train station? I want answers!”
“Look, I’m really sorry about that, I had to go and see my parents, there’s this…family friend who’s quite ill, well, dying actually. I needed to be with my family, and I did send Guy to meet you…” Caroline, looking a little ashamed, loosened her grip slightly and rearranged Mac’s jacket.
“Oh…that’s terrible, did you know them very well?”
“Right now, I guess you could say we’re fairly close to each other yes. Where did you and Guy go anyway? I gave him the train tickets”
“He err…found these spare vouchers he had for Legoland”
“Legoland, seriously??!!”
“Hey! We had a good time actually, he let me go first on all the rides, only pushed about three kids out the way to get us to the front of the queue. And he bought me some ice cream. In fact, he was quite sweet really”
“Ice cream? You were lucky, normally he only goes for the cones for women he’s trying to get in to bed. Ha! Must have thought he had a chance with you!” Laughing, Mac leant against the wall and caught sight of Caroline’s hands, which were still clutching desperately onto the front of his jacket, her left hand in particular caught his eye.
“Well, the thing is Mac, he sort of asked me to marry him, and I…err…well I”
Horrified, Mac collapsed against the wall “You’re engaged…right…that’s…great”

Dithering in the corridor, Martin was rather shocked to see Karen shimmying towards him dressed in a snappy suit, killer heels, and flicking her glossy hair to the admiring glances of the male staff.
“Gosh Karen, is that you?”
“Who I am is no concern of yours; seedling. Get out of my way” Finding himself flying through the air Martin wondered if he was in some kind of delicious dream, but such thoughts were quickly dispelled when his head came into contact with the bumper of an absentmindedly discarded ride-on lawnmower. “Oww.”

:lol: This is brilliant!

:roflmao

SEEDLING! Ha ha ha I LOVE it (although pleeease don't let Mac die!)

I got bored...so I wrote more. Its getting addictive, and weirder...


It was dark, it was cold, it was chucking it down and Joanna and Alan were trudging through a field that smelt like it had just received a fresh coating of slurry.
“I thought you said this was a short-cut! That’s the last time I’m going to trust the word of any man with more facial hair then common sense!”
“Keep calm now, my precious lamb, the campsite should be just over that hill”
“Calm? I’ve never been less calm in my life, apart from when I was giving birth, and that’s when I had the greatest pair of losers the world has ever known forcing their way through my vagina, each ruining my life forever in their own special way. So you can imagine how I’m feeling right now”
“Horny, my darling?”
“Why the hell would you think that?”
“You mentioned the v…the v, v word”
“Really? May I mention another? Something about the vat of excrement we are up to our eyeballs in?”
“Technically, that’s more tha…err…more than one word, to be, well, grammatically precise”
“Oh…f**k off and hump a cow Alan”

Nervously, Harriet approached Kim’s desk and tapped her on the shoulder.
“Err Kim dear, you wouldn’t mind copying these files for me would you? Only if it’s not too much trouble or anything, don’t want to seem like a Mrs Fussypot”
“I’m not being your skivvy. I was the assistant you know, the second-in-command. Yet somehow they chose you, the middle-aged, scatty, plump one (no offence) to replace Joanna! It’s not fair I tell you! You can do your own sodding files!”
“Now kimmy, I really think that you should, well, don’t you think working might be just a tadsy bit more productive…Rachel, that desk looks a bit dangerous…now I don’t think we really needed to see that did we. Put it away thank you very much…Karen, where did you get that pole from? That’s not even hygienic! Leave Brian alone…he’s just had his second heart-attack, please…girls…..could you all just…SHUT UP! SIT DOWN AND BEHAVE, OR HELP ME GOD I’LL SMACK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR BOTTIES!!!
Thank you.”

“Well, little soldier, you’ve lost your lieutenant, you’ve lost your general, I would advise that you make your next move with extreme caution, because you never know WHO could be next.”
Boyce wandered into Sue Whites office, where she was advancing menacingly upon a row of jelly babies, each inventively maimed.
“Oops! Too much caution …and off with your head. Can I help you Mr. Boyce?”
“Erm, yes I was just wondering if you knew when Dr. Statham would be coming back, or actually, where he is? Not that I was worried or anything…just a mild curiosity, fleeting interest, that kind of thing”
“Ah, I see”
“You see what”
“I seeeee”
“What do you see?”
“Everything. Lazer eye surgery you know, works wonders. Right well, the twitchy one…yes…says dead on my computer”
“Dead? You’re joking!”
“Ah no, misread it. Missing, that’s what it says. My mistake! Could happen to anyone. That’s right, missing….presumed dead”
“It doesn’t say that does it?”
“Might do”
“DOES IT?”
“No” Sue said quietly.

this is brilliant!!
more please :D

yay! ausome fic. write more! :notworthy

This is awesome! Hilarious and very GW. :yeeay

An important bit...



Nursing a pint Mac pondered the intricacies of human existence. If there is a god, he thought glumly, he must be a bit of a bastard. Certainly he’d been smiting the hell out of Mac recently. I mean, the terminal illness was a bit of a blow. But then discovering the woman he loved was having it off with a moronic anaesthetist with, frankly, rubbish hair; who also happened to be his best mate was just taking the piss. Maybe he should offer a sacrifice…or something. Guys balls perhaps. Fried. Still, looking on the bright side, things couldn’t possibly get much worse than…
“Tranny! HEY, LADYBOY!” Or, maybe they could.
“Guess what?” said Guy, launching himself onto the barstool next to Mac, sending the previous occupant flying “Just ticked another one off my list!”
“Oh what is it this time, threesome in a submarine?”
“Passe, my friend, completed March 2001 I believe”
“Finally hunted down that pigeon that shat on your new suit?”
“Shot the bugger last February. Don’t look at me like that, it was Hugo Boss for gods sake. No, I just won a major sporting event!”
“What was that? The Inter-Theatre Frisbee Championships? I thought you were disqualified when it got stuck on the patients IV drip…”
“Guyball! The County Cup! Final was a bit tricky, last chap nearly got me with a nifty handlebar to the gullet”
“So what did you do?”
“I punched him in the nose”
“That’s allowed?”
“Oh, its encouraged! Things get better too, only leaves one more thing on the list. And do you know what that is? Do you? It says right here – Marry… Caroline. In two weeks I can give that one a big fat tick and that’s it! I’ll have done everything I wanted to do before I turned thirty.”
“Well I’m ecstatic for you Guy, truly I am. Just one tiny insignificant detail though – you’re 34.”
“Well, it still counts. I’ll just change it to 40. What’s on your list anyway Rapunzel?”
“Oh the usual, skydiving, swimming with cute little dolphins, dying, decomposing, threesome in space, that kind of thing.”
“Eh? What was the last one again?”
“Threesome in space? I know, unlikely right? But since I saw that last Star Wars film I just…”
“No, no the one before that”
“Oh, the dying one. Yeah…probably a bit more likely that. I’ve been…err…meaning to tell you, you see but it’s been a bit difficult. How to…phrase it.”
“You’re kidding right? Aren’t you?”
“Afraid not. I’ve got a couple of months. That’s why I took time off, visiting my family, trying to get my head round it all”
“So there’s no fatally wounded family friend?”
“Erm, no, sorry. Made that bit up”
“You told us he was called Bert”
“I know. I’m…sorry” Macs face crumpled slightly as he stared determinedly into the bottom of his empty pint glass.
“Don’t be such a poof. Here look, I’ll buy you a pint.”
“Well there’s a first time for everything I suppose” Mac suddenly looked deadly serious “Look Guy, you mustn’t tell Caroline; understand? Secrets are a bit of a mystery to you I know but let me talk to her myself at least.”
“Alright, but no funny business, okay? Just because you’re…passing on doesn’t mean that you can try to steal my fiancée. I don’t want a wife who’s been...gingerfied.”

Fantastic Guy/Mac scene and very GW-esque with its comedy in the face of death.

Loved the last line 'gingerfied'!!!!

Aw it's so fantastically like Green Wing it's amazing. Guy is so...like Guy although Mac can't die...can he?

Aw thanks! Yeah im feeling dead guilty about poor ol' Mac (no pun intended.) Writing this takes forever! Any ideas anyone? anybody out there? help!

This is brilliant - I love how that last scene, despite dealing with something really sad, was so funny made me giggle hysterically to myself. You;r Mac/Guy banter is spot on.

Yep, that mac and guy banter was so spot on... and "I don’t want a wife who’s been...gingerfied.” - i could so imagine that in an episode, it's so guy...

brilliant! :notworthy

hehe, gingerified is an awesome word.
Please don't let Mac die :cry

Moremoremore!

Oh dear, this is really long, and totally ridiculous!!


“I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow-white turtle doves”

“Alan, stop singing. You’re swaying again too, I can see you.”
“But, my sparrow! Can’t you feel the rhythm, the simple melodies, the lilting transcendence of ethereal wonder that infuses every inch of your soul with the blazing wonder that is, indeed, music?”
“I told you not to eat those cookies! As far as I can see you moronic twit, we’re stuck here in this godforsaken hell hole with a load of backwards hippies singing about turtle-bloody-doves so they can forget about the pointlessness of their own lives. I’d rather be at the bottom of that cliff right now being feasted upon by crowds of rangy gulls, plucking at my eyeballs and…” But it was no use, Alan wasn’t listening. Lost in a whirl of musical joy; eyes shut, moustache gently twitching as he silently mouthed the words to the song….

“I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms and keep it company”

Struggling free from the advances of the questionably gendered weirdo on her right whose hand had been straying ever-nearer her arse, Joanna backed away from the ‘circle of love’ and hissed into Alan’s ear “f*ck the world, I’m going for a fag.”

**********************************************************

“And that one there, that geet big one, that’s Betty. She can get the measure of a person in two seconds flat that beast can.” Great, another crackpot, thought Joanna, crouching over the campfire and puffing steadily on her ciggy. She glanced over to where a sheep was standing glaring back at her. It looked a bit pissed off. “Baa” it said in a menacing tone. “Oh get lost cat meat” replied Joanna wearily, flicking her fag in its general direction. Next thing she knew she was viewing the world from an entirely different angle - flat on her back in the mud, with a cloven hoof printed squarely in the centre of her forehead. “Jesus!” She spluttered “What the hell is wrong with that animal? Why isn’t it minced?” Brushing some of the mud (or what she hoped was mud) off her jacket Joanna peered up at the traveller, who looked more like a hungover Santa Clause. He was regarding her with a hostile expression on his face and a pitchfork in his hand.

********************************************************

Alan picked up the phone with trembling hands while Joanna paced around outside shivering and muttering “Bloody…woolly-headed...telepathic…only kicked it once…nitwit…peace and love…my arse”
“Err Mr Boyce? Is that you? The, err the pelicans have err got into a spot of bother and I was…we were, surmising that the best em, the best option might be to return to the nest, so to speak and…I take offence to the term ‘quitter’ Mr Boyce…I’ll tell you what I’m going to do about it! I could put the phone down on you right this minute…YES I BLOODY WELL COULD and what’s more…oh, you’ll pick us up? Well we’re near, near a a field, there’s a pond, and oh! There’s a whole crowd of angry hippies with, well, some quite pointy garden tools heading straight towards us…well it is rather worrying…could you hurry…please?”

*************************************************

In the car…
“So, Dr. Statham, are you going to tell me why I had to prevent you being skewered like a marshmallow? No? Or maybe what happened to the campervan? Or where you went in the first place? Or why Joanna won’t say anything apart from ‘strangle the turtle-dove’ and ‘the sheep knows?’ What has she got? Animal Tourettes??”
“They were taking their revenge…don’t you see!”
“Who? The…sheep?!”
“Yes! It all started with the campervan…had to avoid the, the sheep and then woopsie! Over the cliff edge…dangling, oh god, the dangling.” Alan covered his eyes in horror. Boyce placed a hand on his knee.
“Your hand Mr Boyce!”
“My hand?”
“It’s…its intruding upon my personal vicinity! Could you remove it!”
“What’s the magic word Doctor Statham?”
“It’s…I…err you bloody…please. Please could you remove, yourself”
“That’s it! Well done” Boyce gave Alan’s knee a praising pat before returning his hand to the steering wheel. “So where were we? Ah, the dangling…”
“Yes, well my Cleopatra…err Joanna asked, yelled, at Martin to get help and he said, he said that there wasn’t anything around for miles but water and she said that he’d better use whatever he could find or she’d drown him! Or disown him…or something”
“So…”
“So he, he came back carrying a sheep and put it on the bonnet. Joanna was furious, sexy you know; when she’s angry, but the creature couldn’t figure out how to jump off so we thought, if we could get enough sheep to stay on there, we might be able to jump out before it went…over the edge”
“Hang on! You used sheep, SHEEP as balancing weights??!”
“BAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” said Alan mournfully “They’re poor little feet scrabbling…I’ll hear them, in my dreams. But they got they’re revenge didn’t they? Oh yes. Nearly killed us dead! My lovely, lovely creature driven past the brink of insanity!” Alan looked over to the back seat where Joanna had got her head stuck in the automatic window in an attempt to bite a passing cyclist. “Mr Boyce?”
“Yes Dr. Statham?”
“Can we stay with you?”

Hehe I love it so much! Alan Statham is so...Alan Statham and Boyce is so Boyce! Keep it coming! Thanks!

Thank you emmy! I think youre the only one who does love it though... :cry comment my lovely people please do!

Split the next bit in half, because im a tease :P Post the rest tonight

“Rachel? Could you get me a cup of tea please dear?”
“Right away Mrs Schulenburg….Ma’am”
Joanna’s old office had been transformed. Pictures of children; or at least the odd leg and arm captured as the child ran out of shot adorned the walls, accompanied by pastel drawings, paint splashes, and definite signs of plasticine trodden into the carpet. Harriet surveyed the mess happily and swung in circles on her chair a few times for good measure “Weeeeeeeeee” “Woooooooo” Feeling a bit nauseous she stopped, and her hand suddenly hovered near the internal telephone. Should she make the call? Impulsively she reached out for a nearby bottle of orange juice and poured it liberally over her keyboard as Kim walked through the door.
“Whoops-a-daisy. Just had a little accident there Kim, what, err do you think I should do about it?”
“Well I would suggest that you ring the IT department straightaway Harriet, and you’d better request Lyndon, that looks pretty serious to me. Wouldn’t want some amateur making things worse would you?” Kim winked slightly at Harriet, picked up a file and waltzed back out the door.
Encouraged, Harriet reached for the phone a second time and quickly dialled the number before she had time to change her mind. “Hi, Lyndon? It’s Harriet Schulenburg, from Human Resources…Oh you remember! How sweet of you. Well I’ve really got quite an urgent problem up here I spilt...you’ll be here in two minutes? Gosh, well I’ll see you then!” Slamming the phone down Harriet ran to the nearest mirror in panic. Was that porridge in her hair? She hoped it was…

*************************************************

Yawning widely, Caroline opened her locker and pulled out her white coat. Guy was getting so excited about the wedding it was almost impossible to get any sort of sleep at all without being woken up every few minutes and asked what type of wine she wanted at the reception, to gel or not to gel and other such vital questions…bless. I really must get that Ribena stain off the pocket she thought, that’s the last time I’m having a carton fight in theatre. Rubbing the material furiously with her finger, she noticed that there was something inside the pocket and pulled it out. It was a letter.

hehe! Loved the bit with Harriet, it's all so Green Wing. Please let the letter be from Mac!

:notworthy This is so well-written - i love it. And ooh, I'm all on edge about the letter now. Is it from Mac? *crosses fingers*

Im feeling prolific...

Dear Caroline
I know I should be telling you this face-to-face but I can’t seem to summon up the courage or find the right time to do it, and seeing as there’s not much of that left I thought I’d save some, and write to you instead. Oh bugger, this is even difficult on paper. I’m dying Caroline, that’s why I didn’t turn up at the station, I’d just found out and I didn’t think it was fair to impose any of this sh*t on you. I’ve only got a few months left to live so what sort of future would there be for us together? Sorry I ran away like a fool. I’ve already told Guy but I wanted to let you know myself. I’m glad you’ve got him to look after you. Truly I never meant to hurt you Caroline.
See you in theatre, and ask Guy what the hell he’s gassed Mrs Worther with, she’s been out for four days now. She wasn’t THAT annoying.
Mac

“Hey wifey!! What do you think about getting your Mum to put loads of brandy in the cake, drunk old people are always such a laugh, especially when they have those electric scooter things…Why are you sitting on the floor? Are you alright??”
Tears ran freely down Caroline’s face as she looked up at Guy and immediately he ran over to her and pulled her into a tight hug. “It isn’t…him is it? He hasn’t told you? Oh not by sodding letter, that man is even more emotionally retarded than me”
“Yeeeaahh….*choke*…..he can’t be dying!.....*splutter*….Its…*gasp*….not….*heave*....FAIR!!”
“I know, it’s a bugger, remember to breathe there darling…good girl. He’d better make it to the wedding, I’m not having Martin as best man, he’s about as funny as a slug…don’t cry don’t cry, I’ve got you, it’s alright” Guy wiped a tear from Caroline’s face and smoothed her cheek before reaching in and kissing her gently.
“It’s not alright though…is it Guy?”
“No, no you’re right, it’s not. But I don’t know what either of us can do about it.”

*******************************************************

“Wake up! Dr. Statham, it’s your turn! Wake up! wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup” Boyce shook Alan violently awake from where he was napping on the sofa.
“Alright Boyce! I’m, im getting up! How is she? Stopped singing the Wombles yet? Because oh my fucksies that one was driving me crazier than even you could manage.”
“Oh no, she’s moved onto Thomas the Tank Engine now…It’s an improvement I think. At least I know the words to that one so we can have a good sing-along together” Boyce grimaced in a way that was clearly an attempt to stifle a giggle.
“It’s not funny Mr Boyce! That’s my girl, my gril, my girlfriend up there, mad as a march hare. My sex life is suffering you know! Haven’t heard a peep out of him in days now. I’m on the very edge of my tether Mr Boyce, the very-bloody-edge!”
“I could always call you in a prozzie, maybe Martins got one going cheap, who doesn’t mind the ones that are a bit past it”
“Well you can take that back!”

Oh! I just realised that I've totally forgotton about Martin and Karen!! Will have to have more of them soon...also ive thought of a totally fabby name for Mac and want to tell you all now!! Note to self, stop posting on own thread...

:notworthy this is the most greenwing-esque fic i've read. Its brilliant i can imagine the characters saying all of those things to each other and you must post more :D .............................please :wub:

Aww thats so sweet of you! i totally dont deserve it! I shall post more as soon as ive made some progress on my essay *grr* and also *argh*

YAY!
This is great!
I've just read all the way through it!
:D

Cant wait for more! :)

hehe i have just satreading all of this and i have to say there fucking brilliant i have been giggling like a two year old!!

awww :cry poor Caroline and poor Mac :cry
please don't let him die!

I love this fic!