Kagome the balloon girl, new story

[animenerd]

i've decided to put "kagome inflated" on hold and start a story of my own. here it is

Kagome the balloon girl

by: animenerd


it was a hot summer day as three freinds, inuyasha, miroku, and shippo relaxed in the living room of a big two-story house. suddenly the doorbell rang. inuyasha opened it and saw a postman with a package(no jokes please). "are you inuyasha?" the postman asked. "yes i am" he answered "this is for you" the posman said as he gave the box to him. "Sighn here please" he requested as inuyasha sighned the paper. "good day sir" the postman said as he left.

inuyasha closed the door. "who was that?" questioned shippo "posman. he gave me a package." inuyasha answerd "who sent it?" asked miroku. inuyasha checked but there was'nt a return adress. "thats weird. theres no return adress." he said then he open the box in his bedroom.

it looked to be a floppy strip of latex with hair, arms, legs, and a face. inuyashya looked at the face. the eyes were closed. he laid it on his 4-poster bed. suddenly there was a hissing noise ant the looked at the strange balloon the to see it was slowly filling out. shippo paniked and ran for it. when the hissing was done they saw that the latex had taken the shape of a young beautiful girl and to their suprise she sat up on the bed and opened her eyes. the bewildered men didnt know what to think untill she gave them a warm smile. "hello." she greeted.

[Fiendish_Squirrle]

Ooh! Alternet universe? Nice. Yaknow, every time you right somthing, It seems you get better, and better. Keep it up!

[animenerd]

well its worth a try, and thanks for cheering me on i really appriciate it


inuyasha and miroku just stood there gazing at the strange girl/balloon/whatever who was pleasently smiling the whole time. inuyasha was the first to speak "what are you?" she hopped of the bed "i'm a balloon girl and my name is kagome." she said bowing grandly. "balloon girl? whats that supposed to mean?" asked miroku "It means i can do this!" she said as she slowly began to swell and continued untul she was a ball with hands, feet, and a head "Ta-da!" she said as she floated amlessly. "wow. is this even possible?" inuyasha ponderd "Why, of course!" she said happily. "where's shippo?" miroku asked. "who's shippo" kagome asked, still floating "he's a little freind of mine." answered inuyasha. kagome deflated herself "then lets go find him!" she said "I already did." said inuyahsa as he spotted shippo under the bed. "come on out. everythings alright." he said to shippo, trying to calm him "Are-are you sure?" shippo said a bit scared. "positive. infact, thers someone id like you to meet." inuyasha reassured him "o-ok" he said shakely as he came out. kagome squealed as the took him in her arms " and what is YOUR name little boy?" she asked "I'm shippo" he replied. "Its very nice to meet you shippo. my name is kagome." she said


and thats all i can do at the moment

[animenerd]

now im gonna introduce sango


they were in the living room. inuyasha and miroku on a couch, kagome inflated in the air, and shippo perched on her back. all of a sudden they heard the doorbell and shippo hopped of kagome. "whe've got to hide kagome!" inuyasha said quickly. "kagome promtly deflated herself until she was flat and miroku hid her under the couch. when she was hid inuyasha opened the door and saw the same postman he saw before holding another package.(no jokes please) "im sorry. i forgot to give you this" he said. "ok" said inuyasha as he closed the door. "ok,its safe" he said. miroku pulled out kagome who reinflated herself. "whats in the box?" she asked curiosly. "let's find out" answerd inuyasha. when they open the box it had another flat mass of latex like kagome exept for three main differences. 1. it was a bit taller 2.its hair was longer and sleeker 3. it was pink. they laid it down on the couch and then, like kagome it inflated itself into an older looking woman. She then looked arownd the room and stopped when she saw kagome "kagome!" she said happily. "sango!" kagome cried back as the hugged each other. it was easy to figure out the obvious. "is this a freind of yours?" asked inuyasha."why yes i am and my nome is sango" answerd sango. "can you inflate yourself too?" asked shippo. "indeed i can! observe." she said as she inflated herself into a ball. shippo then jumped onto a nearby coffie table, lept onto sango, and began to bounce on her. they all laughed.

[Zero2431]

Not a bad start. Although I think it'd be easier to follow the story if you divided it better. I just find it a little hard to follow in chunks like that, or at least I would since it's basically just one paragraph at a time. Story division aside, a well formed story so far, despite the small lack of plot.

[animenerd]

the story is just getting started
and now...

kagome, inuyasha, sango, miroku, and shippo sat in the living room. "forgive me for saying this but why are you here?" asked miroku "we're balloon girls and our job is help bring joy and happeness to those who are lonly and sad." answerd kagome. "i'm already happy." said inuyasha. "i beg to differ good sir. for instance your girlfreind broke up with you just last week." said kagome "yes,that." said inuysha. "what happens after we're happy?" asked miroku. "we become human!" answerd sango. "wel half-human half-balloon girl anyway." said kagome "meaning..." said inuyasha "we can transform into human and into balloon girls whenever we want!" answerd kagome "interesting" mused miroku loving the idea of a super-curvy girlfreind. "don't get any ideas wise guy..." scolded sango. "what about me?" asked shippo "you could use a mother figure" answerd kagome. "so it's settled, both of you can stay here." reasoned inuyasha "YAY!" cheered kagomeand sango.

[Ifrit_7]

A little constructive critism if I may. You seem to begin almost all your sentences with a quote, followed by who said it. If you described what sort of actions or facial expressions they were exhibiting as well, your writing would be a little more dynamic, even if they're not exactly doing anything important to the story. It also gives your audience more insight into the character's emotions. As a small example:


Kagome, Inuyasha, Sango, Miroku, and Shippo sat in the living room, staring at the strange rubber girls. "Forgive me for saying this but why are you here?" asked Miroku Kagome giggled as she bounced up and down . "We're balloon girls and our job is help bring joy and happiness to those who are lonely and sad." "I'm already happy." Inuyasha said with a growing sneer on his lips.

You've certainly come up with a creative story, simply offering a few suggestions on improving your writing. Keep up the good work

[animenerd]

Well ill try
and we'll say they lived near orlando--WHY?! BECAUSE ANIMENERD WILLS IT SO!!!

kagome and sango were very happy that inuyasha and miroku were letting them stay. so much that kagome promptly inflated her arms and hugged inuyasha witch was like being hugged by a large pillow.
(later that day)

kagome, sango, shippo, miroku, and inuyasha sat in the living room. kagome had inflated herself into a ball again so shippo could bounce on her. kagome then lowerd herself near inuyasha "so where exatly are we?" she asked curiously. inuyasha leaned close "somewhere near orlando". kagome then shreiked exitedly "oh,i've always wanted to see orlando!" she squeald as she started bouncing around the room. inuyasha quickly stood up and tried to catch her "hey, calm down!" yelled inuysha. kagome thewn deflated herself in mid-air and landed in inuyashas arms(don't worry shippo jumped off when she started bouncing) inuyasha and kagome lookedat each other. then he set her down on the bed. kagome looked at inuyasha "accualy there's something we forgot to mention" she said. inuyasha looked back "what?" he questioned. kagome smiled "we can become human already!" she said. inuyasha looked suprised "realy?" "but theres a catch" replied kagome. then sango enterd the conversation "we can only do it one day every week" she said. miroku looked interested "ok, we'll do it first thing tommorow morning" he said. they bounced up and down "YAY!"

[UsagiJin]

Does this mean I'm off the hook???

[animenerd]

indeed it does! but i would apriciate if you could give feedback

kagome and sango had turned themselvs human. kagome wore a salor-style schoolgirl uniform and sango wore a white t-shirt with blue denim jeans.
*later*
inuyasha miroku and shippo had been to almose every theme-park in orlando but there was one that stood high above the rest: islands of adventure. "thet arived at the parking lot and got there car parked in the "e.t." lot. shippo used his fox magic to turn himself into a 10 year old boy. kagome looked around "is this it?" she asked. "yep!" aswerd shippo the proceded trough security and twards the ticket booth up ahead they saw an archway with the words 'the adventure begins' inscribed on it. kagome and sango took it as a reminder of things to come.

[UsagiJin]

Okay then.

First, you need to capatalise what requires it...like names and titles. Also, the start of sentences.

Next, you need to use all the proper punctuation.

Finally, try to make the grammar a little better. You'll know it's right when it flows off the tongue.

(Ex: Inuyasha, Miroku and Shippo had been to nearly every theme-park in Orlando. However, there was still one that put the rest to shame: Islands of Adventure.)

[animenerd]

im trying the best i can

[UsagiJin]

Good.

All anyone can ask.

[animenerd]

They reached the port of entry. "Wooooooowwwwwwww!" Kagome marveled. "I know." replied inuyasha. They were still a bit hungry(they had breakfast at inuyashas house) so they decided to get some cinnamon rolls at Cinnabon. "Yummy!" Kagome said. "This is Islands of adventure! What did you expect?" replied Miroku. As they munched Kagome saw a big green roller-coaster creating a sense of unease inside of her. 'Thats ok. I have inuyasha to protect me!' she thought as her unease went down. Then they were finished. "Let's go!" said shippo exitedly.

[Tikiman]

i love it. awsome work.

the concept of them in the present let alone florida, kinda threw me off though.