A farmer is sat in his local getting drunk when the barman wanders over and says, "Grateful as I am for the business, it’s a beautiful day out there, why aren’t you out there enjoying it?"
The farmer shakes his head, "Some things you just can’t explain."

"Want to talk about it?" asks the barman, sensing a problem.

"Sure," replies the farmer. "Earlier I was sat milking my cow and just as I got the bucket full she lifted her leg and kicked the whole lot over."

"That’s not so bad," says the barman.

"That’s what I thought," replies the farmer. "After all, some things you just can’t explain."

"So what happenend then?" asks the barman.

"Well, I took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer. "But just a few minutes later her right leg kicked the bucket over again!"

"Some things you just can’t explain, eh?" laughs the barman.

"Right," says the farmer. "So I tied that leg to another post, started milking again and then her tail knocks the bucket over!"

"So what did you do?" asks the barman.

"Well, I’d run out of rope by then," says the farmer. "So I took my belt off and tied her tail to the rafter. Then my pants fell down and the wife walked in....and well, like I said, some things you just can’t explain."

Young lad loses his job at the chip shop, so his dad goes to find out why,
Owner says " i found him with the potato peeler up his ar$e"

Dad says " can i see the potato peeler ? "

Owner says " no i'm afaid you can't cos i sacked that little c*nt as well "

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

a little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is politics?"
dad says, "well son, let me explain it this way: i am the head of the family, so call me the president. your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the government. we are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the people. the nanny, we will consider her the working class. and your baby brother, we will call him the future. now think about that and see if it makes sense."

so the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said. later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. so the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room finding the door locked. he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. he gives up and goes back to bed.

the next morning, the little boy says to his father, "dad, i think i understand the concept of politics now."

the father says, "good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

the little boy replies, "the president is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. the people are being ignored and the future is in deep sh!t."

How true.

And finally for today


''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He''s just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn''t you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley''s left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.'
;) ;) ;)

question for admin, any chance a getting this thread pinned, can add a joke a day then if ye get a gud un? just a suggestion ;) ;) ;)

:rofl: Great jokes lad!

suppose o can do, just for the "60%of the time it works everytime"

cheers matt. Must up that % to about 90 lol

Guy walks in to a hotel and begins checking into his room. he asks the clerk. "Is the porn on my telly disabled?"
No, she replies, "its regular porn you sicko" !

A little boy says to his mother, "Mummy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that ****** party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

last one for today

At the dole office in Castlebar a Traveller walked in to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' How's it going Boss, You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd like to get a job!'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment to satisfy her s*xual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s*x drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is ?200,000 a year.'

The traveller just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull$h!ttin' me!'

The social welfare worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it!'

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: , :up: good stuff

letter to brian cowen




Sometimes the easiest solution is the best!!
The solution to the economic crisis!



Dear Mr. Cowen

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Irelands economy.

Instead of giving Seven Billion Euro's to the Irish Banks who will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Republican Retirement Plan:

There are about 1 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them 7 million Euro apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. One million job openings - Unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new car. One million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing

Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy 100 Euro of alcohol/tobacco a week .... and there's your money back in duty/tax etc


It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of government pay back - Their falsely claimed expenses and allowances

you're a dirty man

tut, tut :D

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.








The case came up in court.




The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.




The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'




'CASE DISMISSED!!'

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....



Uphill... barefoot...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda




And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!


Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

I walked past the fridge last night and thought I heard two onions singing a bee gees song.



But when I opened the door it was Just Two Chives Talking.?


drumroll please

A new EU initiative has decided that You are no longer allowed to use the word "Pikey". You must now use the phase "Caravan Utilising Nomadic Traveller"

blatently roobed from focusowners

Two Suppositories

A man with a bad stomachache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do about it. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting two suppositories deep up the back passage. The man agrees, so the doctor warns him about the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time, using rubber gloves and a lubricant.

So the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other, shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulders."

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on.


The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere
through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and
wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking
around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other.....

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!!!!'