I'm sorry to pollute the forum with my problems... yet you all were very helpful last time so I can't help but hope you won't hate me for posting something like this again.

The background: My girlfriend and I have been together for just over two years. She lives with me now at my house. We used to fight a lot (every other day, really bad intense fights), but since I confronted her last time, she's been a lot better at tolerating my likes and hobbies and such, and we haven't fought nearly as much. We almost broke up then, and I told her I wasn't sure if we'd ever be able to go back to how it was before, but that I would give it a try.

The problem: Even though she's acting so much nicer, less bitchy and mean and more tolerant of my likes and such... I just don't feel the same way about her anymore. I know I'm probably a jerk, but I cannot help it. I'm just not in love with her anymore and I'm starting to wonder if I ever was. I'm not so good at this sort of thing.. Sure I can go on all day about the Cleris heh... but when it comes to my own love life, I'm horribly ignorant and probably an insensitive jerk. And to top that off, she's pressuring me to commit more to her... she wants to get married X_x. But even though I'm not in love with her anymore... I don't hate her and I really don't want to hurt her :(. I feel like a real asshole. Not to mention her living with me creates all sorts of complications. I'm not sure she makes enough money to live on her own.. When we met she was living with her grandmother, but that's no longer an option for her. I'd be very willing to give her money to get her on her feet... but I'm not sure she'd accept it from me or if that would even be enough.

I know I have to end this... there's no fixing it. I kinda thought I could last time.

The horrible thing is, I think she believes everything is fixed and is okay now. It would probably shock her to do this.

Blah... how the hell did I get myself into this situation.

And lastly.. I've never had to dump someone I was serious with before. Usually I'm the dumpee, not the dumper heh.

Two years is a long time when it comes to relationships now. Instead of thinking how to break up, try taking a vacation with her and see if the spark lights up again. Or revisit places you've been to with her that reminded you of how you used to feel. Maybe this is just a phase for you and that the last little while polluted your view on the relationship. Also, be extra open with her and communicate your feelings toward each other so that you can both work towards some kind of resolution, whether it is staying together or breaking up. Try that out and see where it gets you. If you still feel the way you do, then it may be best to end the relationship.

I've been in a similar situation myself. I dated a guy for two years, and while we didn't live together, we were very committed to each other. And I fell out of love, so I eventually broke up with him.

Here's the thing though. Since your last fight, it may be that you're over-analyzing your feelings and the relationship. That might sound like a stupid conclusion, but modern psychology says that the more we analyze our romantic relationship, regardless of how happy we were before analyzing it, we tend to feel worse about the relationship afterwards. It could be that you're over-thinking everything, and not feeling enough because you keep convincing yourself that the relationship is doomed.

I agree with Kaldea, though. This could be a phase, and communication at this point is critical. If your girlfriend is thinking about marriage, you'd do best to make your feelings known to her rather than to give her a nasty shock by spurning marriage and ending the relationship all at once. Give yourself some time, and make sure that you really have fallen out of love. And by "make sure," I don't mean analyze the relationship. I mean try to feel what you felt before with her, and see if you're still capable.

Seriously, thanks for the replies... I really really appreciate it. People at this forum are the best! You all get many many cookies!

You're both right, I guess I really need to step back from this and give it a real chance, huh?

I kinda got it in my head that it was doomed, even after I promised to try. So maybe I ought to do like you say and try taking her somewhere or something. I do need to put this marriage thing to rest though... I know I am not ready for that, even if everything were perfect right now. I mean I'm not opposed to it in principle... but I want to be absolutely sure I'm in the right relationship before I do it. Obviously if I'm considering breakup... it's not the time to even be thinking about it. I'm not sure how I break that to her though.

It's all in the way you say it to her. If you just flat out say, "I don't want to get married", she won't take it very well. Just tell her that at the moment you're focused on you two the way you are now and that you want everything perfect before you want to take such a big step so that there will be no chance of failing. Make sure she's in a state of mind for a serious discussion though. Maybe after a good day of activities together. ^_^

... what Kaldea said. ^_^

To add to that, if you do break up with her, don't go into some sort of Hollywood-like talk and avoid saying cliché lines like the "it's not you, it's me" or anything that may sound very insincere.

As much as possible, try to maintain eye contact and if she starts some drama, don't add to it. Stay calm. If she breaks down, you don't have to really comfort her anymore.

It may also reach a point when she may start acting like she's asking for your sympathy. You may seem like an asshole for being cold but if you really want out, just act like you don't care anymore. Feeling too sorry for her will just make you look like a pushover--like you'll easily succumb to crying and drama... stuff like that.

But make sure you give her your reason on why you are breaking up with her, for closure's sake on her part... and for your part, too. Believe me, it's better than spending too many evenings recalling the unsaid. :no:

That is very important. You wouldn't wanna start talking to her about breaking up when she's having a bad day. Timing is important so be observant.

I suppose I should update everyone on what happened... She brought up the marriage thing again and it started up a fight... even though I wasn't wanting one :(. It's done and over with now. The fight was bad enough, but when she hit me repeatedly for not wanting to get married, I figured there's no reason for me to continue. Physical violence is not a thing I tolerate... Isaac Asimov once said "Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." Still, I do appreciate the help and wish it didn't go down this way... blah, I still feel like a jackass anyway :(. Relationships are hard. Love is a mystery, and I don't know jack about either ;p.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with my personal junk... I'll try not to pollute the forum with more of it in the future. Only Clerisy goodness, heh. Seriously though, you guys are great :).

No problem the faster things are resolved the faster you can get on with life :)

I can't believe she hit you though thats so immature, i understand frustration but violence is rarely the answer certainly not for a problem like that. [double kudos to you for keeping your cool theres alot of men who wouldent have] :gift:

Don't worry though you're doing fine with relationships you just gotta meet someone who understands you for who you are not for what they want you to be.


Your friend

~marshall~

Aww, sorry to hear that she took it so callously, TM. :( But really, if she's going to be so immature as to hit you because you don't feel ready to get married, I fully agree with your decision to end things. Imagine marrying someone who's going to throw a hissy fit every time they don't get exactly what they want. <_<

Sorry to hear about what happened dude. But yeah, you're better off without her if she'll just treat you like that. :( And she wants to marry you? I don't think she's even ready to get married if she tends to act like that. It's really immature.

:lol: But still, feel free to discuss anything with us here. We'd be glad to help you needed. :gift:

Good luck!