Hello, everyone. I have a major problem that has been eating away at me for some time now. If you could help, I'd really appreciate it.

I used to have a friend on the internet that was very close to me. We had a great start, considering we both were very wary of each other in the beginning. We became friends sometime in April of 2004, and we stayed that way up until early December. One day we had a huge fight that lasted for hours... It was over AIM, so it wasn't easy, and there seemed to be no stopping it. For two months, we didn't speak, didn't write emails to each other, didn't even interact with one another on other forums. Nothing has changed and it's driving me crazy.

The problem that got between us is something I can never forgive myself for. Even though I just wanted to be friends and to have a companion to speak of our common writing interests and joke around with, he fell in love. He told me one day, plain as day, that he had fallen in love with me, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say to him at all.

Back then I tried to tell him that I was already taken and didn't want to spoil our friendship by having those thoughts hanging over our heads. I tried to tell him that it wouldn't work so that maybe his feelings would disappear, but I wanted to go on being friends. We were so close that we both knew each other's darkest secret...I trusted him completely, and he trusted me. However, he felt terrible when I turned him down, so I did something stupid. I have a habit of being honest no matter what if I can at all, so I told him what was a truth, but wasn't something I wanted to act on. It was true, I had a crush on him and I could see him as dating material, but telling him that when I really meant "I'm admitting this to cheer you up, not to say I want to date you" was a huge mistake, obviously. You must understand...I had the best of intentions and I only wanted to see him happy. He made is so plain that he would not be happy unless I would pay him some attention that he wanted...so while I was honest about my feelings, I also gave him false hope.

The reason the fights started was due to something I didn't think he would do. He tried to give me advice when I had problems with my boyfriend, and his advice was heavily biased. He would try everything he could think of to antagonize this guy and make it seem worse than it was. Furthermore, when I would tell him the scenario wasn't quite that bad or that I already knew how to deal with it, he would get angry that I didn't "value his opinion enough to follow it". He constantly tore me to pieces by telling me that he really meant nothing to me and that as far as he had heard from me, he was worthless.

I told him every chance I could that he meant worlds to me and that I wanted him to stay around and be my best friend, which was what I thought of him as. He didn't want that. I told him...for a person to be my best friend, that person had to be everything I looked up to and was valued more than just any old boyfriend. He didn't believe that either. Everywhere I turned, he put up a wall to stop me from getting through to him. It came to be that we argued over the advice he would give me and his constant begging to be let closer. It irritated me when I told him that I had to draw the line, no matter what either of us felt. I knew deep down that even if I did have a crush on him and even if I had told him that sure, we would probably work out if we dated BUT I didn't want to, he was not the right one for me and I was not the right one for him. It all goes back to my being so honest, I'm sure of it... So we fought several times and we found a way to make up and be friends again.

However, the last time we fought...he demanded that I tell him once and for all what I meant to him. So I told him. Everything. It was everything that I have spent the last twenty minutes writing about...and he did not accept it. He gave me his all-or-nothing speech again, and there was nothing I could do to change his mind, because I had been 100% truthful! I told him I did not see him as a possible boyfriend... "Am I not good enough for you?" he would ask me. "No, of course you're good enough," I would plead with him, "but I want you as you are now, my best friend." He did not want it.

Now to present...

Last night I contacted him for the first time in weeks. He seemed willing to talk to me, and I was very nervous. I asked if he would care to talk with me for a bit, and I asked how he was doing. He reported to me that he had moved on, but he also said something that hurt me very badly. "I thought we'd never speak again," is what he said. I told him that I wanted to start talking to him again, but only if he was ready to do it and only if he still saw it fit to be friends with me. He...he just started in with the accusations of never taking his advice and about me "chewing him out", which I admit to doing a few times. -_- It goes back to the irritation thing when he kept pouring out his feelings to me that I could not return. He blamed me for not being able to return his feelings, and I know I am partially to blame...but how is it that I am to blame for someone else's heart being attached to me when mine is attached to a different person? The conversation lasted all of eight lines of text and twenty minutes, counting the dead air time.

I'm so broken up about this that it is haunting my thoughts during my college classes today. I don't know what to do. I stayed away from him and let him heal the best he could, or so I thought. I was nothing but nice to him in the IM...not a word of hate or smart-aleck tendencies. I want to heal our friendship desperately, but he seems to think it would hurt us both too much. This has happened to me more than once, too. Can't someone please tell me how to approach him? How to win him back without even coming close to toying with his heart? I'm trying so hard to keep all of my messages away from "I missed you" and "I need you back in my life", even though both of those are so very true.

Please, if any of you know how I should deal with this...please say something. I'm not strong enough to fix it myself anymore, and it hurts very bad.

I think you two need a break. Take more time off away from this situation. He obviously doesn't really care about what you are experiencing and he is being quite selfish with his own feelings and wants. He is definately not for you because this behavior can get worse over time. Don't let his actions bring you down. I don't really think it's worth it.

I know how it feels to just want to have the other person feel better about admitting their feelings. So I don't blame you for saying your own feelings as well and giving him "false hope". He just seems like the type of guy that is more focused on what he wants, even if he has to demand it. If this situation is really getting to you, I suggest a longer break. Stress over this type of thing isn't needed and you need to feel free from it. Once you feel more free, you'll be happier and you'll see that this situation is nothing compared to the adventures you'll come upon in your life. ^_^

I have to agree with Cloud's Girl. It sounds to me as if this friendship is causing both of you pain. It's hurting you as well as him. You've tried to be honest with him, but he can't accept it. If the relationship is hurting both of you, then you both definitely need to get away from it.

It sounds to me as if you've tried to explain, but he's not hearing you. In that case, I doubt that he'll ever hear you. As long as you hang around, he's going to find it harder to move on. It sounds like you're getting hurt by hanging around him, too. So it's not doing either of you any good right now.

Be a friend to yourself as well as to him and take a break from each other. Talking to each other about it isn't solving anything right now. I think the best thing to do for now is to leave one another alone until he sorts things out for himself.

Alright...thank you, both of you. I really appreciate your help. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes because I don't know if what I'm seeing is right or not, and most of the time I don't really want to fix things just so I can be happy. I guess that staying away from him is the best thing after all. I just didn't want to believe it. It hurts either way...but I'll try my best to get on with it. I have been able to go on and have a nice relationship with the boyfriend I have right now, but this other guy evidently holds me in contempt because of it. I have no other choice, I guess...

Again, many thanks for your help and support. It's nice to know that someone can at least acknowledge what I feel. I will follow your advice.

I agree with them, but...Well, I used to be with a member of this forum, Zack, but things didn't worked out. He told me something that hurted me real badly and I could never forgive him. I was so down I even thought I'd never be able to smile again or trust guys... So, what I did was: PMed a friend and bash him till I couldn't more; try not to go to the net; called a friend; let my girlfriends make me smile and have fun; forget about it; moved on.

I know its hard, but you must be strong! Try to go out, say a few jokes, listen to others, listen to cool and festive music (no love songs!!!) and be crasy!! It sure helped me out!!
I can even talk to Zack normally, without hating him or feling hurt. We're just friends again. I even gave him a beating in Last person to post here wins!!! :lol:

For what you said I doubt you can, but you could always play his own game, if you think you're strong enough. Why don't you just act like everything or nothing, too? Like or as friends, or just forget I exist. But that'd be a little harsh, I know, but, depending on the person, it can help. He sure looks like that sorta guy. :rolleyes:

Anyway, be strong!! You can do it!!

Hope Zack didn't read this, if so, sorry! ^^'

Hehehe, that sure sounds like it would work. ^_^ I think I'll try that! I just returned from a party at a nice Japanese steak house with the girls...it really helped a lot. They helped me realize that I have friends around me when I didn't even know it.

Getting to be friends again is all I want, but it's out of the question right now. I will, however, try your strategies as well. ^___^ Thanks so much for helping!

Good luck, I can understand why it hurts so much. With online relationships, you develop an emotional relationship, and you become more attached than a physical relationship. You can end up becoming very close very quickly, and it's intense. It'll take time to heal, and you'll always have a part of them in you, but only keep the good, and smile when you think about it. I understand how it feels, I married my internet lover. I agree with everyone else that it's best to give it space. Once again, good luck!

Wow...you really married your internet lover? That's amazing! It gives me hope that me and my boyfriend (who I also met over the internet) can actually get married like we want to in the future.

You're right, things do get very intense very quickly. I wonder why that is...

At any rate, thanks for your support. ^__^ I'm so happy that I posted this here... Everyone has been so nice to me and has given me such great suggestions.

I agree with what everyone else say. But just take time for yourself. Don't blame yourself. You told him the truth...and yes, it does hurt. But you were honest and didn't want to hurt his feelings. You're also in a relationship too and I'm sure you didn't want to ruin what you have. If your friend was understanding, he would try to understand your problems and help you out. But reading what you wrote, actually made me broke into tears. It was too sad :( and I was very not so happy with how your friend treated you.

I hope you guys are still friends but if he still acts the same way, maybe its best not to be friends anymore? This is not to be harsh or anything, but I think you should be happy. NO...Ten thousand times happy and enjoy your life. It wasn't your fault and he shouldn't be taking it out on you. I had something similar to this...then he said we couldn't be friends when I ask if we could...that made me so sad and mad...and his reasons was so lame. "I don't know, we just can't"....huh <_< what was that....(sighs) Oh well, I gotten over it. :P

Thank you, aerithstrife, it means so much to me that you understand. I haven't found anyone outside this forum that really understands what it's like and I appreciate every last view and comment I recieve. Knowing that you also had something like that happen to you helps me think that I can deal with it. You're right, I may not be able to be friends with him anymore. Even though it hurts me to think about it, if it saves the both of us our self-esteem, it's worth it. Thank you, and I'm glad to hear that you got through your problem. ^_^

:lol: Don't worry about it too much. You have lots of caring friends...right here...for you. It'll be hard, but I really think you deserve better. I hope, one day, you can meet a very good friend who will understand you fully and lend you their shoulder when you're sad. Someone to understand your pain and shared your happiness. ( Okay, I'm not sure if that make sense... :blink: )
:lol: No problem. I can relate and even when I'm not friends with him anymore, I realized that he was a jerk to me all along. I didn't want to end our friendship and I know its hard, but talking to someone who cares about you and listen to your pain, made me feel better. I was able to pulled myself from the brink because I had someone to listen to my pain. :lol: She's a very understanding friend and always listen to my problems. Sometimes I think I trouble her but she just encourages me on.
:lol: But really, we're all here for you in this forum and I want you to be like 10 thousand times happy in your life. :P You can count on your many friends in this forum to help you through. :P