Okay, this is pretty difficult for me to put into words, so please forgive me if I start rambling and don't make much sense. A thing that's been preying on my mind a lot lately is the expectations people have of me, and how that is affecting what I choose to do and why. When I was in school, I got consistently good grades. I went to school every day, did my homework on time, tried my best when exams rolled around, and when I did my GCSE's at fifteen, I did really well.

I started off doing my A-Levels at a college near my hometown, but after a week there, I left and went back to my old school to enrol at Sixth Form. Because of that initial gap, I never really felt like I belonged back at my my old school, and my attendance started to deteriorate to the point where I would go weeks without showing up there. In spite of that, I managed to do fairly well in my A-Levels, and took a three year gap before I went on to do my university degree. I've always been good at English and creative writing, and my family often talk about this. When one of my short stories was published in an anthology, they were really proud of me. But I didn't feel proud of myself. Instead I felt embarrassed that everyone was making such a big deal about it.

The thing is, my family expect me to do well at university. But instead of trying to do my best, I seem to have gone into self-destruct mode. I skip my university lectures and seminars, I don't bother checking out books from the library for reference when I have essays to do, and instead of doing my best, I do the least amount of work that I can possibly do without failing my classes.

It's the same thing with my job. I used to put in effort to get a good scorecard each month and keep updated with all the new promotions our company offers. Now, I get on the bus that I know will more often than not get me to work five minutes late. I don't bother trying to get good stats. I sit around reading news websites instead of answering calls. I come back late off my breaks and ring in sick for no other reason than that I can't be bothered to go in.

I guess part of the reason I'm like this is that my family always expected my brother to do well and get a job in graphic design. He dropped out of art college, and he has a council house with his girlfriend and their baby. He doesn't have a job, so he lives off benefits. He's in debt, and we have people calling our house all the time demanding money off him, even though he hasn't lived here for over three years. He spends all his money on cigarettes and beer, and if he doesn't have the money for them he borrows off me and our parents. If we say he can't have the money, he takes it anyway. He doesn't seem to care about anyone else but himself, his girlfriend, and his daughter.

This is really affecting me. I feel like I'm obligated to do things better than him, because otherwise I'll disappoint people. Because of that, I do the complete opposite of what I feel like is expected of me. I just don't seem to be able to make an effort with life anymore. I want to be a writer, which is why I'm getting an English degree, but I haven't written anything new on my novel for ages. I don't go out of my way to get in contact with my friends, so they feel neglected, and sometimes I feel lonely but when a guy is interested in me I completely shut off, even if I like him too. Sometimes, I can't even be bothered to eat.

I'm so frustrated with myself, and I know that I'm the only one who can help myself, but I just can't seem to conjure up the enthusiasm for life that I used to have. So I guess I'm just wondering whether anyone has any advice, or whether anyone has been through anything similar.

Don't worry I almost feel the same way. Somtimes I feel like everyone wants so much from me especially my mother that I feel if I screw everything up I absolutely despise myself for not being able to do it and afterwards. I just mope and begin feeling like I'm nothing, but I always remember that I'm only human and I just can't do everything everyone wants me to do and that makes me feel better if only a little. Just remember that you're only human and even though people want us to do things we just can't do they will soon realize we can't do it and they won't try to put such a heavy load on you. Just remember to do the best you can and everything will be better. I'm sorry if this didn't help.

I'm not sure about giving you advice, Yukari, but I can certainly relate, specifically over the past few months. This 4th year at high school for us is important because this is when we get exams which we've been building up to since we started school, so there is a fair bit of pressure. Up until the second year of high school I was always very smart, into my work, getting high grades and was progressing really well. But then in third year is when you pick choices of which classes you want to do and that's when the pressure goes on you to do REALLY well in those classes and pass with flying colours. It's not just pressure from the teachers, it's from your family too.

So I've been a lot more relaxed with my learning over the past 2 years. I've still been progressing fairly well, but I know I could have done better if I tried. I've done enough to keep me in the top classes and to keep people happy but it's made me feel a bit...blah about the whole thing. I want to know that if I mess up, I can mess up and that will be the end of it. Not that if I mess up then my life will be ruined like I feel it will be.

I think the best advice I can think of is that remember that you are learning for yourself and no one else. Progress at your own pace and don't let anything else alter your own decisions.

Thank you, you guys. I think like you said, Mokuren, I need to remember that I'm just me. I'm not some Supergirl who can put the maximum amount of effort into every aspect of her life. Sometimes people need to step a little way back from things and just have some time to evaluate what's going on. I think that's probably what my subconscious is telling me to do, which is why I feel so apathetic. I am feeling a little better now, and I've managed to get some uni work done, but if I still screw up, there's always resits of exams! My novel's waited this length of time, so it can wait a little longer, until I've completed my first year at uni. I guess I need to remember that there's a limit to the amount of stuff I can take on.

Scott, that's similar to how I feel, kinda 'blah', with next to no enthusiasm for the subject that I'm learning. But I'm getting that back. I just wish that there weren't so many pretentious students in my classes. But a english degree without pretentious students is never gonna happen, haha. Thank you for your advice, I seriously find it hard to remember that I'm doing this degree for me sometimes.

I can tell you for sure that if you mess up, your life will not be ruined. There are always resits, and as long as you do some revision with breaks every so often so you don't overload yourself with information, you'll be fine. Just don't try to learn too much at once. I panic revised before my mock science paper and it got me nowhere, 'cause I couldn't remember half of the stuff I read. Oh, but my revision guides really helped me, since they had little tests and evaluation sections. Especially the maths book.

*huggles j00*
I think I can relate to you... Not going into details, but I do feel tremendous pressures from people surrounding me..as if they are always expecting something out of me. I fear not living up to their expectations..I fear failing... I feel that they are scrutinising me... Did I do well enough in my studies? Will I be successful in my career? Will I get a handsome and rich boyfriend (yah i am kind around that age that relatives start to..you know.. T_T ) I fear failing. x_X
Sometimes I would just lock myself away in my own little world *_* It became like a form of escapism... I'll get depressed for a while..

And then I remind myself that everyone else faces problems..might be of a different sort, but still, noone leads a perfect, trouble-free life. There are people suffering from worse problems. So you're not alone! We gotta be strong! :angry:

:huggle: