Not your normal Adventure
By Lost Mercenary

Here's probably the funniest fan fic I've ever made. My friends say that if i ever manage to leanr how to use Flash that I should make this into a movie. It stars characters from all FF games and I hope you all enjoy it.

Have fun with chapter 1. Hey it rymhes! :D :lol:

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Lost Mercenary: Greetings, I am your host, Lost Mercenary. All the characters of the Final Fantasy worlds have had countless adventures over the years, but none will compare to what will be. An adventure where all the characters will unite under the flag of a single alliance, where they will strike down their common enemy and prevent evil form emerging once more. Where…

Mog: Oh for the love of god! SHUT THE #*@$% UP!!!!

Lost Mercenary: Hey! I’m trying to let our audience know what to expect in the story. What’s wrong with that?

Mog: Nothing normally, but you make it sound so poncy that even the Queen of England would kill herself if she heard it.

Lost Mercenary: Hey I’m the damned narrator and I’ll say it however I bloody well like! Now #*@$% off and let the others play Swingball with that stupid red bob on your head.

Mog: Asshole…

Lost Mercenary: And now the adventure begins!

Mog: *grumbles* Some adventure...

Lost Mercenary: Oh, piss off.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*Cloud enters the Seventh heaven bar. Assortments of other FF characters are also there minding their own… business*

Cloud: *While hyper* IS EVERYBODY HAPPY!?!

*Everyone stares evilly at him*

Cloud: Guess not… *grumbles* miserable bastards.

*He goes over to the bar. Squall is there forcing down a bottle of Brandy*

Cloud: Yo Squall!

Squall: *aims gunblade* You can’t have my Jack Daniels.

Cloud: *Holding hands in air* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I’m not after your drink! I just wanted to chat. Tifa get me a pint of bitter and a packet of those lovely… bouncy… firm… pair of…

Tifa: Hey stop looking’ at those!

*She pours him the pint*

Cloud: So how’s life?

Squall: Well, can you keep a secret?

Cloud: Sure, what is it?

Squall: Well, you see Rinoa hasn’t been giving me any lately.

*Rinoa approaches*

Rinoa: Only because you can’t get it up.

Squall: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Everyone in 7th Heaven: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

*Aeris approaches*

Aeris: Hi Cloudy Wowdy.

*Before Cloud can even reply Sephiroth enters the bar flying like a lunatic, jumps up and down like a member of the Tigger fan club and slaughters Aeris in some over the top dramatic sequence*

Sephiroth: Hehe… I rock. You all suck.

*He flies away*

Cloud: Shit... guess i'll have to go with the sceondary option... Tifa!

*Cloud takes Tifa to the corner of the bar and starts making out with her for all to see. They take their time as well*

*Meanwhile*

Bartz: Oh, come on Reina!

Reina: For the last time, NO!

Bartz: But look at the size of it.

Reina: You’d think I’d touch something like that. It’s big, long and it’s making a scene.

Bartz: But I need you to help me fill in this Loan application.

Reina: *sighs*

*Zell is sitting on one of the bar stools stuffing his face with hotdogs*

Girl with pigtails: Hey Zell, I really like you.

Zell: *with his mouth full* whffffp?

Girl with pigtails: What I’m saying is I… I…

Zell: *still stuffing his face* whffffp?

Girl with pigtails: OH #*@$% IT!!!

*She storms off*

Zell: *finally with his mouth clear* What? Don’t you like hotdogs?

*Aeris walks in. Again?*

Aeris fans: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Idiotic Tifa fans: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Aeris: Hi guys!

Rinoa: eh? Didn’t you just die?

*Sephiroth flies in and does his Tigger jumping, flying killing act again, but this time he decapitates her and sends the pieces of corpse away by teleporting them*

Sephiroth: There that should do it.

*Aeris walks in again*

Sephiroth: WTF!?! Why won’t you just bloody die?

Aeris: Cause I rule?

Sephiroth: We’ll see about that!

(After a whole 4 hours of killing Aeris in over dramatised death scenes there are corpses everywhere in the bar*

Sephiroth: Is it over?

*Aeris walks in*

Sephiroth: IT’S NOT #*@$%'ing FAIR!!!

*Runs out crying*

Tifa: Hey! Who the hell is going to clean up all these Aeris corpses!?!

*When all the bits of god-knows-how-many corpses have been cleaned up, Sabin walks in with Gau on a leash*

Tifa: Hey! No pets allowed!

Sabin: Just because he shits on the floor and smells like a Gorilla’s armpit doesn’t make him any less human.

Gau: Woof!

Sabin: Good boy!

*Gau runs over to Zidane, who is exercising his pathetic chat up lines on Rosa, and starts humping his leg*

Zidane: WTF!?! (Tries to kick him into the table)

Sabin: Bad Dog! *Yanks the leash*

Rosa: If this is the kind of attraction that you give off I’m getting the #*@$% out of here!

Zidane: No, wait. Rosa! EAGGHHHHHH!!! SABIN GET THIS HORNY #*@$% OFF ME!!!

*Gau is finally yanked off Zidane’s leg but not before leaving a mess*

Zidane: Look he spat on me.

*Cloud stares at what Gau left behind(

Cloud: Eh… that’s not spit!

Zidane: ... oh dear... god, that's just so wrong. *cringes*

Sabin: He must have liked your tail. Hey Tifa. Aren’t you a bit of a hypocrite letting monkeys into your bar?

Zidane: For the last time… I AM NOT A MONKEY!!!

*Before the argument can heat up anymore Eiko comes bursting in*

Eiko: EVERYBODY! COME QUICK!

Cloud: I think we’ve seen too much of that already.

Eiko: No. I mean get your fat drunken Asses outside. Something’s happened to Quina!

*Everyone goes outside. Eiko points to a frog*

Squall: So where’s this… Quina?

Eiko: Right here!

*Everyone stares at the frog. It starts eating its own arm*

Zidane: Only Quina likes frogs enough to eat him/herself if s/he became one.

Tifa: Why did you say s/he and him/herself?

Zidane: Got damn programmers.

Rinoa: So what do we do now?

*Cloud steps forward in some kind of noble hero fashion*

Cloud: We will find the ones who did this to our dear friend and bring them to justice. We will undo the wrongs that have been made and we will be victorious in our battle against the forces of evil!

Squall: Fancy a pint though, first?

Cloud: Meh, sure.

*They go back in the bar*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lost Mercenary: And so our heroes quest begins.

Mog: What kind of fucked up adventure is that?

Lost Mercenary: It’s better than some off the boring shit that’s appearing in new FF games! Just look at FFX-2!

Mog: Good point. But still, I think it’s shit!

Lost Mercenary: That’s it your no longer my co-narrator. Locke!

Locke: Yeah boss.

Lost Mercenary: Mog’s the new tea boy. You can take his job.

Mog: NO FAIR!

Locke: WHOPEEE!!!

Lost Mercenary: Mog. Get me my #*@$%'ing tea!

Mog: *muttering* Soon I will have my revenge. Soon his job will be mine. MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Lost Mercenary: Hope you liked our story so far. Please Read and Review it. HEY! WHERE’S MY BLOODY TEA!!!

I loved that. :lmao:

You're my hero. XD :bow:

:fangirl:
wow!
This is really good!!
You are super!!
:)

omg. I could not stop laughing. omg. omg.


:lmao: Those Aerith/Sephy scenes were brilliant! And when Rinoa said Squall couldn't get it up and everyone laughed at him. :lmao:

Lolz. :lmao:

That's awesome!

Not your normal Adventure
By Lost Mercenary

YAY!!! I GOT SOME REPLIES FINALLY!!!! :D :D :D

Seeing as that is the case, here's the second chapter for all you guys and gals.

Enjoy!

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Mog: Greetings everyone, I’m your host Mog. Today we’ll be… OH SHIT!!!

Lost Mercenary: MOG!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO BLOODY SAY IT!!! YOUR ASS IS FIRED!!! YOU’RE THE TEA BOY NOW!!!

Mog: I don’t wanna be the tea boy though. It sucks.

Lost Mercenary: Well that’s tough shit. Now get me my tea before I rip off that stupid bob off your head and shove it so far up your ass that you’ll be shrieking ‘till every window shatters!

Mog: *goes to get the tea while whispering* Don’t worry Mercenary; you’ll get your tea alright. You’ll definitely get your tea. *looks to the audience* That sounded shit didn’t it?

*Audience ignores him*

Mog: *cries*

Lost Mercenary: Anyway, when we last left our heroes. They had discovered that Quina had turned into a frog of all things, and are now planning what to do about it.

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Cait Sith: I say we eat the bitch!

Zidane: Why the hell would you want to do that?

Cait Sith: S/he beat me in a belching contest and I never forgave him/her for it.

Rinoa: … That’s a pretty shity reason.

Cait Sith: What can I say I’m a pretty shity character.

Cloud: Alright, enough of this bollocks. How are we gonna get Quina back to normal?

Eiko: Do we have to? You bastards don’t have to hang around with it all the time! I haven’t seen the sun in 6 months cause of that fat #*@$%.

Cloud: Yes, we do!

Zidane: Why?

Cloud: ‘Cause if we didn’t this story would end real fast.

Squall: So where should we look?

Barrett: How about up Tifa’s skirt?

Tifa: So much as touch me you’ll have that gun arm so far up your ass that you’ll shit bullets for the next year.

Cloud: We’ll split into 3 groups! Me, Aeris, Bartz, Reina, Zidane and Eiko will go to Qu’s marsh and talk to Quale. While Squall, Zell, Yuffie, Tifa and Garnet go somewhere else.

Barrett: What do the rest of us do?

Cloud: You get to look after that self-mutilating frog over there.

*He points to Quina who is currently attempting to devourer its own arm*

Barrett: You’ve got to be fuckin’ kiddin.

*He turns round only to discover the others have run away*

Barrett: Now what?

Cait Sith: Suppertime! *Slurp*

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*Meanwhile in some kind of secret lair*

Sephiroth: Those fools don’t have a chance! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Kefka: Soon those mortals will be dead! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Kuja: *Blow-drying his hair* Soon my hair will be finished! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sephiroth: …

Kefka: …

Kuja: What?

Seymour: Oh, would you darlings please stop bickering.

Sephiroth: *Whispering* Why the #*@$% did we bring these guys along?

Kefka: Blame the writer.

Lost Mercenary: *Glares evilly*

Kefka: *Praying hysterically* Forgive me master…

*Bolt of lightning strikes Kefka leaving him charred*

Sephiroth: Who came up with this crappy plan anyway?

Kuja: It was… the One.

Seymour: Oh… The One!

Kefka: I'd pray with you but I’m too badly charred.

*Neo enters*

Neo: That’s right. Everyone bow down to me!

*They glare at Neo*

Sephiroth: Who the #*@$% are you?

Neo: I am… *bows down* The One!

Sephiroth: For what?

Neo: … I… don’t… know…

*Sephiroth turns to the others*

Sephiroth: Can we kill this guy?

Seymour: Of course not. He’s The One you silly boy.

*Sephiroth flinches at Seymour’s friendliness then decides to go mad*

Sephiroth: HE’S NOT THE ONE ALRIGHT!!! HE’S A ONE, BUT NOT “THE” ONE!!! HE’S JUST SOME ONE!!! A #*@$%'ing NO ONE!!!! UNDERSTAND!?!?!?

Everyone else: … No.

Sephiroth: Oh I’ll do it myself. TIGGER ATTACK!!!

*Starts killing Neo*

Neo: But the war isn’t over?

*Dies*

Smith: Thanks mate you saved me a job.

Sephiroth: No prob.

Smith: Time to find some hooker programs!

*Flies off*

Kuja: What a nice man. Stupid, but nice.

*Some guy in a hooded cloak enters*

The One: Behold. I am The “Real” One.

Sephiroth: Prove it butt munch.

The One: I have a really cool, dark cloak and no one can see my face.

Sephiroth: Not good enough.

The One: *Kills Sephiroth* Anymore questions?

Kefka, Seymour, and Kuja: *Shake heads frantically*

Kuja: Oh, I’ve got one. Can we see your face?

The One: No.

Kuja: Are you a man or a woman?

The One: I’m not surprised this fucker lost to a monkey in Final Fantasy 9. Anyways, go find those pesky heroes and them meddling kids before they unravel the mystery.

Kefka: Hey, you can’t boss us around like that.

The One: Shut up bitch and start juggling!!!

Kefka: What?

The One: DO IT!!!

Kefka: With what?

The One: Your bollocks if you don’t find something quick.

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Lost Mercenary: Meanwhile Cloud’s party are in Lindblum on their way to Qu’s Marsh.

Cloud: God, what a shithole.

Zidane: HEY! I used to live here.

Cloud: That explains a lot. All these gas fumes must have given you that giant head you carry around with you.

Zidane: … piss off.

Reina: Can we go shopping?

Cloud: No!

Reina: But why?

Cloud: Because there’s a clearance sale down at the shoe shop and… Hey, where did she go?

Bartz: She headed to the shoe shop faster than a nun’s first curry, right after you said the word clearance.

Cloud: This is gonna take a while.

Zidane: Who wants to see where I used to live?

*No one raises their hands*

Zidane: Tough we’re going.

*They arrive at the Zoo*

Zidane: Welcome to my humble abode.

Aeris: The #*@$%'ing Zoo?

Zidane: It’s not a Zoo. The estate agent called it a temporarily confined environment with animals.

Eiko: Which is a Zoo.

Zidane: IT’S NOT A #*@$%'ing ZOO!!! I mean just because I got a free bucket of fish heads, piss infested water…

Cloud: And plenty of bananas.

Zidane: And plenty of – HEY!

*A Zookeeper comes along with a big net*

Zookeeper: Hey! What are you doing out of your cage?

*Throws net on Zidane*

Zidane: Aw, Christ!

*Everyone laughs while Zidane gets dragged away*

Zookeeper: Come on, it’s time for your big act at the Zoo circus.

Zidane: GUYS! HELP ME!!!

Aeris: Shouldn’t we help him?

Cloud: Sure… We’ll never let our good friend down.

*At the circus box office*

Cloud: Hi! Four tickets please.

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Lost Mercenary: And so concludes this exciting chapter of “Not your normal Adventure”. Will Quina ever become normal again? Will Cait Sith succeed in eating him/her? Will Kefka be able to find something to juggle with? Will Zidane be a circus success and will Cloud get his moneys worth? Find out in the next upcoming chapter.

Mog: Here’s your tea… sir. Hehehe.

Lost Mercenary: Thanks Mog.

*Drinks tea*

Mog: DIE YOU BASTARD!!! DIE!!!

Lost Mercenary: *Drops the mug, turns pale and freezes with fear and pain* Hack… Hack… WHERE’S MY #*@$%'ing SUGAR!?!?

Mog: WTF? There was enough poison in there to make Jay Leno’s chin go inwards! What happened.

*Locke slumps dead to the ground*

Mog: ………………………………………………… shit… wrong one.

:D :woot: :lmao: :lmao: my neighbours heard me....
will you write again?

:lmao: yes please...

just because it's funny I forgive Ya saying that Cloud and Tifa made out <_< :puke: