Okay, this is just something I threw together in about 20 minutes for my English class. We need a paper to work on, and I think this is workable. If you see any major grammar mistakes, please realize I haven't slept in a bit. Uh, enjoy it, I guess. :sensei :barb:

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The Lab

Oh no, it’s after me! Why do I always end up in these messes? Wait, what am I doing thinking? I’m being chased by a dog spitting acid! I knew this job would be the end of me. That pale guy in the suit probably did this. And there was my conscience telling me not to trust someone who talks like they have peanut butter stuck in their throat. From now on, I’m listening to myself. It’s probably the safest thing to do.

But first, how do I get rid of this psycho-dog? Obviously, trying to tire him out isn’t working. If only I had a gun, or a blunt, metal object. This will teach those security buffs that personal guns in the lab aren’t a bad idea. Man, these corridors really do go on forever. I wonder how the janitors manage to stay sane while cleaning this. Well, they certainly aren’t going to be happy campers when they see the trail left by this monster. Perhaps one of these doors will help me. Nope, that one isn’t helping. How about . . . Yes, bingo!

Well, of all the doors to choose from I have to choose the dark and wet furnace room. There has to be a flashlight or something in hear. I wish that dog would stop ramming the door. Let’s see, where is a light source? Humph, he won’t be needing that any time soon. Whoa, this place is really clean. Wait, are metal doors supposed to bubble like that? Oh crud . . . well, into the vents I go! Is this how sardines feel?
What’s that noise? It must be a rat or something.

That is most certainly not a rat. Yup, this is how sardines must feel.

In the third paragraph you wrote "hear" instead of "here". ;)

Funny story though. :salto

Yeah, I caught that lol. I'll be sure to post the final draft when it's done.

Not bad, but what is the purpose to it?

I would be able to better help you if you told why you are making this and what you are trying to get across.

Also when is it due? If it is not due until a couple of days, I can lend you a hand to make it better.

Also the plot, organization needed, and any thing else that is a requirement you should post.

It was definately interesting, and definately workable.

Xeno, it's just a paper so I can say I went through the steps. The requirements for it are pretty open. It pretty much just has to get better. Anyways, already working on the third draft (draft a day).

As for a purpose, I have no flippin' idea. I do know that it is a stream of conciousness, which is where you write the thoughts that a character is having (all of them).

What I wanted to know is because I was going to help you rework/ give ideas and wanted to know the requirements so as to make the paper valid.

Now for purpose I take it, You choose a character (any character you imagine) and write about what he thinks and feels... correct? Also what grade level are you so I can better understand the level of skill needed for the paper.

A VERY GOOD IDEA is to have metaphors or use something like "His thoughts swirled like a winter storm" instead of saying "His thoughts are cold and angry". As you see the first one brings an image to mind while the other one simply states.

The first one is very powerful because it involves more senses then just one.

Things like:

-Images (Visual)
-Smell
-Feel (The flesh on his fingers gripped and tore will he clung onto the ravine for dear life)
-Taste (The salty taste of blood lingered in the air, as the man scanned the room for possible clues to the murder)
- Sound (The car screetched as it went around the corner//instead of saying the car quickly went around the corner)


Also Colour, is a major thing you MUST add. Colour based on the colour scheme (red= anger, courage, strength; yellow= cowardice; blue= sorrow, cruelty,etc.; green= envy, growth; white= Purity, good, life; black= Death, evil; brown= earth; Gold= Power; Silver= Wealth, and so on.)

If you ever read a proffesional story (be it short, poetic, novel) you will see that the author don't randomly choose these colours out of the blue. They choose because each colour represents something and if they use it properly the image of that colour will remain longer and be more effective then if they ignored it.

If you don't believe me look at the Flags of the World. You will quickly see that I speak true about these colours. There are lots of Red, whites, and golds.

Also make sure the reader can see clearly and easy your purpose. Everything written and spoken, hell everything done in the world has a purpose. If the reader can see the purpose of your story (maybe in this to see the mind of your character) they will be able to better relate and personally judge your work.

When your story loses track of its purpose that is when your reader becomes confused, which is the single handed worst thing in writting. From there the reader loses interest in the work and moves onto something else, likely not finishing reading unless they most (ie teacher grading your work).

Hope these pointers help, they came from my college teacher so it isn't all BS thought up by me. Please post your final draft as I would like to read this interesting story.

Xeno maybe you wanto get on MSN or TS soon?

Edit Xeno- I am on.

I'm writing this for my Junior English class (high school). I was planning to rewrite the whole thing completely, and those pointers will really help. I've never really thought about it, but colors do come into play in several books I've read.

I'm also thinking of just stopping with the stream of conciousness thing. It is kind of fun to write, but doesn't really convey much meaning (in this, at least). I should have this completely done by this weekend.

I agree, while it is neat, school teachers often don't award marks based on it. I know from my college that presentation, organization, information, and how you present the info is the big things they look for.

I hope it goes well, and trust me your teacher (if he/she knows what they are doing) will be impressed if you sit down and write metaphors, colours, etc.

The only problem with actually working my ass off on this one, is that I have another one due next week. Not to mention that random five pages every friday, the quizzes every thursday, the essay questions on tuesdays, and STILL reading 1000 bloody pages in two weeks.

I do have other classes! :duh: :angry:

:(

Your in High school right? Go to your advisor (I don't know what you call them down there) the person who handles student affairs in your school.

Tell the person the amount of pressure you are under and all the tasks you are required to complete.

Ask for some of you assignment due dates to be set back.

You should find, if you have valid reasons, they are flexible and helpful in such circumstances.

I might end up doing that at the end of the quarter. I'm currently in an "honors" class, which basically means a you do more work but can end up with greater than a 4.0. However, I recently figured out the universities don't give a damn about whether or not it was an honors class, they just care about the grade.

Well, I have a three-day weekend this week (labor day), so I plan to try to get as far ahead in that class as I can.