Whats wrong with you people, no joke topic? This lack of humor's......sickening, so post all your jokes or funny experiances here!

I'll start us off,

One day I went to a wildlife park thing anyway, I was feeding the kangroo's when one attacked me. Not ready to be beaten up my a marsupial I fought back with kung fu fury, long story short I was banned from the park for "assulting a animal".

:o I was thinking the same thing earlier today (starting a joke topic that is).

Well I have one.

Did you hear the news? It seems Minnie Mouse is going to divorce Mickey.
It seems that Mickey is becoming psychotic after his recent decline in popularity.

In the divorce papers Minnie states that "Mickey is fucking goofy"


Another one is:

There is two priests. Both decide to take a bath late at night, to relax after a tough day. Stripping down they both take a moment to loosen their tight mussles until one of them realizes that they have no soap. The other priest, says that he has some in his room and gets up to go and get them.

Since it was late at night he decided to dress and quickly walks to his room. Retrieving two bars of soap he hurries back down the hall to bath house when he sees three nuns coming his way.

Knowing no way of hiding he moves to the side of the hall hoping they would pass without paying much attention to him.

When the nuns walk up to the the frozen priest and remark on how life like the statue is.

One nun reaches out and grabs the priests balls, resulting in the priest dropping one of the bars of soap.

"Wow, a soap dispenser" proclaims the nun.

The second reaches out and gives the balls a tug and sure enough the second bar falls out of the priests hands.

"Marvelous" replies the second nun.

The third nun reaches out and gives a good tug.

"Humph, it must be stuck" the third nun explains

Again she reaches out and continues to tug.

"Ah-ha!," the third nun shouts, "it also has hand lotion."


One last nun joke (and kindy sick at that... you have to read the whole thing):

One day the bus driver notices a nun sitting down and reading the bible. This isn't out of the ordinary since this nun usually rides the bus down to the cemetary a few stops away from the monestary. On this night, though, he sees a man watching the nun with a mischeievious eye. This isn't lost on the nun when the men is about to make a move from his seat she looks him in the eye and sniffs, causing the man to lose his nerve.

After the nun exits the bus, this man walks up the bus driver and asks about the nun.

"Does she usually get off here?" asks the man.

The bus driver thinks a moment then replies "yes, every friday at 10:00 pm she rides the bus to the cemetary."

"Thanks" answers the mystery man.


Come next friday, sure enough, when the man enters the cemetary he sees the nun praying in a partially secluded spot. Chuckling to himself he puts on his mask which he believes looks like what an angel would.

Thinking himself clever, the man slips up and says "Nun, I am God's angel," in what the man thinks is a heavenly voice, "I have come to reward you with something you desire."

"What is it my lord," the nun asks in a shocked voice turning around to face the man.

"In the glory of God, I have come to fufill the desire you have, I have come to have sex with you" replies the man.

"But my lord, I have sworn to remain a virgin. If we are to have sex then it must be up my ass," replies the nun shyly.

"Then it shall be," exclaims the man.

For almost an hour the man brutally hammers the nun. At the end of the sex the man laughs and tears off his mask and shouts "I am not an angel of God but the man from the bus!"

The nun then gets up and tears off her mask exclaiming "And I am the bus driver!"


:lol: That joke was told in Physics class in grade 12. The joke took twenty minutes to tell between the fits of laughing and the fact that the teacher booted him out of class half-way through.

Haha, that last joke :lol:

I've got one for you.

A man on a airplane needed to go to the toilet *bathroom for you americans* but all the male toilets were full. Having a quick look he noticed that none of the female toilets were full so he quickly ducked in.

After he'd finished his business he pressed a button and a warm jet of water washed his bum. Impressed he pressed another button and a towel dried his arse, delighted with these services he pressed another button labbled ATR and this was the last thing he remembered.

He awoke up serveral hours later with the hostess leaning over him, "you pressed the automatic tampon remover and will find your penis with the rest of your luggage."

I hand typed that since I lost the joke book, or misplaced it ;D

Whats a mexican with a rag hanging out his arse?
A flamethrower.

Americans say toilet too, Nulli. Bathroom is just the room the toilet is in.

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He tells the bartender that he'd pay for anything the monkey damaged while they were there. The monkey starts jumping around the bar and eventually lands on the pool (billiards for anyone who didn't know) table. The monkey picked up the cue ball and swallowed it whole. Soon the man and his monkey leave. They come back to the bar the next day, but this time the monkey sits next to the man at the bar. After about 5 minutes the monkey starts taking peanuts and sticking them in his arse before eating them. The bartender asks, "Why does he put the peanuts in his ass before he eats them?" The man says, "He's making sure they fit."

What times bed time at neverland ranch?

When the little hand meets the big hand.

Proof that there is a God :P

Ok another joke my boss told me during work.

In a recent popular mens magazine, a poll was done about women giving them (men) oral sex. Here where the stats:

14% said they liked the feel of it.

16% said they liked having the power over women.

70% said they liked it, because it shut the women up.


Anybody have some more humour?

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

:o :lol:

Two men walk into a bar.

The third man ducks.

Alright I have another joke.

Two newfies (Fred and John) are watching the hockey game on tv, sipping a few beers, and having a hell of a time.

After finishing his beer, John gets up to grab another from the fridge. Upon opening the door and idea pops into his head.

"Hey Fred," shouts John, "does the light in the fridge remain on when the door is closed?"

"You know what, I don't know" replies Fred. "The game is at intermission right now so we can check until it comes back on."

For 10 minutes the two newfies try to figure out weither the light remains on or goes off when the door is closed. After trying many different plans on figuring it out John comes up with something ingenious.

"I got it!" cries John excitingly, "Lets take out all the food and shelves so I could climb in and see if it does go off."

"What a great idea" replies Fred entusiastically.

After removing the food and shelves John climbs in, and closes the down after him. Waiting what Fred believes is ample time for John to discover weither the light is on or not, he opens the door to his shivering friend.

"So, did you see weither the light remains on or off?" asks Fred.

"No, it was too dark to tell in there."


Believe it or not this was told to me by my friend who grew up in Newfoundland.

Has no one else got a joke to share?

Two guys are reading the daily newspaper while waiting for the bus. One reads about a killer on the loose. He starts a conversation with the man sitting next to him.

John: Did you hear about that Killer on the loose?
Bill: No, why should I?
John: Well he has the tendency to drown them in the tub and then pour Cornflakes over their bodies.

Bill: Wow
John: The police think hes a Cereal-Killer.

:smash

Ouch :duh:

Your just like my boss, he always has these corny jokes.

Heres another joke:

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".

Farting Preacher Two

Thought we might need a little humor again :P.

So there's this leper (we all know what a leper is right?)

He's wandering the streets, trying to find a place to drink. The problem being that he's dropping skin off and really grosses people out, so no bars will let him in. He wanders for hours and hours until he finds a small, dark, out-of-the-way dive bar. The bartender agrees to let him stay as long as noone complains, which is fine because there's only like two or three other drunks in the bar, and they're not really paying attention.

So the leper takes a seat a the bar, he has a few drinks, he and the bartender are chatting. Everything's great, until about an hour into their conversation when the bartender suddenly runs into the bathroom and pukes his guts into the toilet!

"Whoa! Hey!" says the leper "did I make you do that? I'm realy really sorry, maybe I should go huh?"

The bartender says "Nah, it's ok, not you, just a little stomach bug or something."

So they go back to drinking and talking, watching a rerun of Tyson vrs Lewis. Everything's fine until, about ten minutes later. The bartender once again, looking panicked, runs into the bathroom and BLEEEAAAARRRRGH spews in the direction of the toilet.

The leper really doesn't like this. He gets up to go, he says "I'm making you sick, I'm sorry,I gotta go you been real nice and everything..." "Nonono, it's not you! Don't worry about it, I'm fine, have another beer" says the bartender, coming back around the bar. The leper warily sits down, he knows something weird is going on, but the bartender isn't making him leave, so he goes back to his drink.

Until about ten, fifteen minutes later when for the third time the bartender runs to the bathroom! He doesn't make it this time, and hurls his stomach contents into the hallway in front of the bathrooms. The leper jumps up says "THAT's IT! I'm out of here! I'm making you puke, you've been really cool but I can't stand this any more!"

"nonono, 's not you" says the bartender, wiping vomit off his chin

"Well if it's not me what is it?" demands the leper

"Whell, if I must tell you....
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it's the drunk sitting next to you, dipping his nachos into your arm"

Gross.

Alright this is one from the presidential elections in 2004, Bush & Kerry.

One day, Bush calls Kerry and says, "We gotta finish this once and for all. I propose we go ice fishing in Alaska, and the one who has got the most fish after 3 days wins the elections. Simple as that."

Kerry is a bit wary at first but agrees nontheless. So they go to Alaska and start fishing the first they. Kerry catches 1 fish, Bush none.

Second day, Kerry catches 2 more fishes but Bush still got none. He's growing restless and calls Powell.

Bush: "Hey Colin, I'm ice fishing with Kerry but I think he's cheating. He's going to win the election!"

Colin: "When you're sure he's cheating, follow him tomorrow and come back with proof so we can disqualify him".

Bush: "Ok thanks I'll do that."

Next day, Bush follows Kerry from a safe distance and watches him fishing. He dashes back to the hut and calls Powell again.

Bush: "I saw it he's really cheating!!"

Colin: "Great what's he doing?"

Bush: "He's drilling holes in the ice!"

Ha. Ha. Ha. C'mon guys, laugh, your leader told you a joke. :unsure:

Ha ha...ha...It would have been funny(er) if Bush was drilling them... Bush - Alaska - Drilling - Oil...see?

-

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

Here are a few jokes

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."


Confucious Quotes

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.

Haha, those are awesome, although I knew most of them already :P

Here's another:

Girl soldier who sits on lap of general gets early discharge.

"Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. "

That's my all-time favourite :D

Confucious: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day

::edit:: not really "funny" per se, but check out the size of this catfish!



Reminds me of the rumored diver-eating catfish in Reelfoot lake in Tennessee.

"BARCELONA, Spain -- A handout picture released Monday Aug. 1, 2005 shows Duncan Rooke, 32, left and Stephen Buss, 30, as they haul in a record-breaking catfish in the River Ebro, near Barcelona in Spain on July 6, 2005. The 7ft 7in, (2.3 meters) 212lb (96kgms) female fish isthe biggest freshwater catch ever made by a British angler and nearly pulled 32-year-old gas engineer Rooke back into the river once he had hold of her. After weighing the fish and burping her to get rid of the air in her stomach, she was released. (08/01/05 AP photo)"

Man who falls asleep with itchy butt wakes with smelly finger.

Jolius already said that. :P

Baseball all wrong, man with 4 balls can't walk.

So one day little Johnny comes home from school, smiling from ear to ear. His mother greets him and asks him how his day was. "Great," said Johnny, "I had sex with my teacher." His mother was shocked, "Just wait until your father gets home!" and she sent him to his room. So Johnny's dad gets home and his wife says "Ask your son what he did in school today!" So he does and Johnny tells him he had sex with his teacher. Well his father is overjoyed, "Thats great son, I remember my first time," "Im taking you out to buy ice-cream and a new bicycle"
And Johnny says, "Thanks for the ice-cream dad, but I'll have to pass on the bike, my ass still hurts." :lol:

lol

Ok heres one I learned from my boss during a boring day of work at the pharmacy (I swear that man go's home and finds all the funny and lame jokes there are)

Did you guys hear about the cruise ship that went down in the Caribbean?

Well it seems there were only three survivors: Dwight, Dwayne, and Dorothy.

All three of them swam to a nearby tropical island.

Having waited weeks for rescue, the castaways grew increasingly bored.

Dorothy, one day, asks what Dwight and Dwayne would like to do, and eventually nature took course and they where having sex on the Beach, in the water, in the trees.

Until one day Dorothy said "This is wrong and immoral, it has got to stop!" and she kills herself.

Dwight asks Dwayne, "Now what are we going to do?" and sure enough nature takes its course and soon they are having sex on the beach, in the water, in trees.

Until one day Dwight tells Dwayne "This is wrong and immoral, it has got to stop!"

Dwayne replies "Fine we will bury Dorothy"

:lol: Damn I love working at the pharmacy!

Just thought I'd share this with you guys. Sorry Bthizle...